teasing, cyberbullying

14 years old

classmates

So sad, alone, scared, suicidal, stupid, depressed, unloved

I dont know. I had mees in my head and still felt scared and stupid but now its better. Im not 100% happy, but its good

My best friends, but its didnt help.

Cuz I thought I will be feel better. But I was wrong.

half past year year in old school and half past year in new school

For the first time, sorry for my imperfect english, Im from Slovakia.

School system here, is kinda different so I will try explain it.

I dont know if I can call this bullying but I want say U my story.

And the last thing before I start:

In my story I will be talking about 1D cuz this is one of reason why I was victim of bullying, but dont stop reading this! I want say you how bad bully can be.

Everything started in 8 or 9 grade.

I was depressed girl, loner without friends. I wanted be alone and every lunchtime I sat alone on the floor and thinking. Sometimes came to me my sister, we was together in one class. She asked me if Im allright and sometimes said me something like:

„Boys said me that you sit here like a dead girl."

„You just sit here and not perceive nobody. Something whisper to yourself and that's all"

I had mess in my head and sometimes I thinking about suicide.

In this time, 1D really helped me. I was just a big fan girl with 1D T-shirts, bags, bracelets books, etc..

My classmates called 1D gays or five faggot brothers.

I trying ignored it but everytime everybody laugh and I was kinda angry cuz I dont understood, why they do it.

They destroyed my 1D art what I draw when we had a lunchtime. I gone out of my class with my classmate and when I came back, my art was destroyed. Specifically Harry.

Another day one of boys said: „hey! Give me your 1D bag! I want see it burn!

Next day I found my 1D bag kinda destroyed. Louis and Niall had holes in necks and Niall had scars on his cheeks.

The most embarrassed was when me and few my classmates was in another class all one hour. When we came back, my another classmate laugh and I don't know why.

She said "Boys read your 1D book!"

I was shocked! I had one 1D book (big writing pad) where I write everything about my feeling and about 1D and my dreams and my poems about Niall or 1D.

And this mother ******* read it!!!! I was so angry!

I asked my classmate, why she didn't do something when she saw it!

She said: "Teacher asked him, if you gived them a permission and they said yes, you know about it."

Hm, but this didn't was answer for my question!

My classmates spend a rumors specifically about Niall, cuz he is my fav. Now I don't remember what they talking, but I remember I was really angry and grabed my magazine from his hands.

"Oh, she is kinda rude." Said one of the group.

A few weeks after, everything was worse. Not because of "bullying" but I don't feel mentally well. I started cutting myself, but not too much. Just a few scars.

My sister knowed about it and a few days after, my classmates knowed it too! They said I just want attention!

That's so funny!

I hate attention!

The best thing was when I upload a video on YouTube. Type of video when you have a paper with text and telling other your story.

I telling story about my life and said how much 1D helped me when I was in depression.

My classmates found this video and under comments wrote things like "Hate 1D! Niall lick my ass"

"Motherfucker!"

and another.

In this video I wrote- I hated people in my class.

But this fools maybe don't know english or what cuz I didn't wrote I HATE, I wrote I HATED!

Another day I was scared to go to school. My mum said Im not victim of bullying cuz nobody shoved my head in toilet.

Wow, in this moment I imagine perfect american bully in american school in movie. But mum, my life is not a american movie!

When Im came to class, on blackboard was wrote "SUICIDE!"

I felt so bad.

On facebook we had personal group only for our class.

One of my classmates wrote here "I hated people in my class, no comment."

And some people comment in and gived a like.

I felt so bad cuz I don't understood, why they did it!

10 grade was a new level! Cuz when 9 grade end, everybody go to another school with new classmates!

My and my sister have a strong sibling relationship and my sis always helped me in old school with homework's but now my sis go to another school like me.

But my sis go to new school with six old classmates, her friends.

Im gone alone, without old classmates.

I really don't know if I can call this bullying, but again, this was new level.

I was 16 years old. First day in new school Im fallen in love with my new classmate! Just call him "Blondie" he was one year younger than me.

He really likes me but I was too shy and never talked with him. But when yes, in my belly I felt more butterflies. I was really fallen in love. My voice shivering when I talking with him.

We never talking too much, but 25th November, was different. It was one of best day in my school life! I don't wanna talking about this day, cuz it will be long for 5 pages! I just talking with him like a friends, laughing and Im for the first time smoke weed and cigarettes with him.

Just, next day, my girl classmates wanted ask me something. Lets call her "Bitch"

Bitch ask me: "(My name) you love Blondie?"

And I was like what?! Why she ask me?!?!

She was so nice to me and I though she understand me, so I said yes.

And this was big mistake!

really long time I though she is my friend, but she didn't!

She was bitch, cuz she still wrote with me on Facebook and ask me question about "Blondie" and I just answered her.

But she everything said to "Blondie" and he stopped talking with me, and ignoring me. Im know, I didn't was pretty for him, I never had a real boyfriend and never kissed somebody!

My heart was dead. I was like dead. I cant said what I felt, cuz I loved him so much! Even when we didn't talking.

But "Bitch" still wrote with him and spend a rumors about me.

She pretend to be my friend but true was, she hated me!

You know what was the best? when my classmate said me "Blondie and Bitch are together! Couple!"

Im just done!

She wrote me how much she love him, and I more days crying in my room.

But after all, she didn't love him, really no. she is just a bitch and she hanging out with him just because she know I loved him.

I started cutting, but not because of this new "cute couple"

No!

Im cutting myself cuz it was too much for me.

He ignored me

Didn't talk with me.

My friend still asked me if Im ok and why Im so sad, so many time I crying in school but nobody saw me. My friends not really helped me cuz "Friend1" didn't understand my feeling and "Friend2" said "Bitch" detailed information about my feeling to "Blondie"

Maybe you don't understand me, but Im so sensitive person. Too much sensitive and Im so jealous, when he talking with another girl in my class. I know, its bad, but I cant help to myself!

Everytime I asked to myself "Why he cant be my fiend and talking with me like with other girls?"

How time go, I thought he just don't like me. I knowed it.

My cuts on my arms and hands looked like burns. Big burns! My sister found it and she was so scared. She said: "If mum find your scars, she kill you!"

Maybe two weeks when I came to home, I quickly washed myself cuz my mum was gone in job. Its was bad time.

One of my classmates saw my scars too. Im kinda sure she said it to "Bitch" cuz they was BFF and "Bitch" maybe said it to "Blondie"

15th February I wanted do a suicide.

It was too much for me, I wanted die! I didn't want look at him and her and all this world. I didn't want live in class when he ignored me and didn't like me like other normal girl classmates.

I was stupid? Maybe! Maybe I was like lil kid, but understand me, I was fallen in love.

I was in school two hours but something broke up inside me and I asked to myself, "Why Im still here?!?"

I grabbed my things and run away from school.

My house is kinda far from school so I gone maybe 2 hours on foot to my house.

Im ate 1 pill. (pills for depression) (you can eat max 2 pills for one day)

A few minutes later Im ate pill number two.

I really don't remember time! It took 6 minutes? Or 2 hours?! I really don't remember.

I only know I ate pill number 3 and a few minutes (?) later Im ate pills number 4,5,6.

I was in hospital 3 days, doctors didnt understad me. They pretending that they are my friends but when they came off to my room, they strated spend a rumors about me.

I really dont know if they thoung that glass wall behind me and them is soundproof but I hearted every single word! I was so angry cuz they talking about me and "Blondie" behind my back.

They said Im stupid and etc...

You know what was cool? My hallucinations!

So many imagine friends! I still talking with them and they answered me. One of them so much scared me oh!

But its another story.

I didn't go to school all mounts. Now its holidays, and everything its ok.

The last thing what I wasn't said I was so thankful for every stupid moments.

When I gived him my pen, when he asked me something about school, when he gived me his lighter, when he sprayed me with his dezodorant, when I lie on his back when he did a push abs, when we together smoke at the school toilets....

My mum wanted give me to another school.

First time I wanted, but I didn't do it.

Im stay.

That was my story.

Its not as bad as other stories, but I felt so bad, suicidal. And you can see, what happens when somebody spend a rumors behind your back.

The "best" was when my classmate said to me they broke up after 15th february!

Maybe this is not bully, but I hated her for what she did me! I wanted to kill myself because of it!

My classmates didn't know about it. "Bitch"didn't know about it. "Blondie" didn't know about it. But you know what? I think that somebody said it to him, he don't care...