Okay.. so I'm going to try and write the best that I can but I apologize in advance.

I guess I really started to notice the "bullying" around third grade. I had been attending a private catholic school that had about roughly 180 kids. My class was one of the largest classes with about 35 kids. I never really was a popular kid. I had friends but I never was picked first or anything. One particular group of friends was really important to me at that time. We were a typical group of social outcasts (well as outcast as you can be at third grade) as we liked video games and reading. One skill we all possessed was drawing. I mean I don't want to brag but we loved it and we're pretty good at it too. I drew the realistic stuff. One of my friends could draw cartoon characters like no other epically at age nine. The rest of our ragtag was group posses all sorts of other skills that we cherished. We had no problem benign the underdogs.

Then the name calling started. "weirdos" "freaks" "losers". One time I was sitting on the bleachers reading when a kids from my class came up and punched me strait in the face. I'm not joking. I had a black eye for days! Hearing and seeing people that you though were your friends call you and your group names like that was heartbreaking. I got over it pretty fast but some of my other friends started to question their social standards at about 5th grade.

5th grade was the year when kids started watching tv shows and wandering why they weren't as pretty or as popular as the teens in the shows. They saw movies that showed popular girls pushing unpopular people down and they took off of that. It was also the year of Instagram. oh god. The follower wars that followed were a nightmare. All you would hear ever day in homeroom was " I got 54 followers! I'm so popular ". and then as soon as she turned her back the best friend she was talking too would turn around to another girl and say " OMG did you hear her she is SO not popular. I have 76 followers!". During all this I was I was determined not to get an Instagram.

During that year I noticed a lot of people leaving. They would brag about getting out of the sh:t hole we called our school and moving on to public school. This one guy bully made it his mission to hurt me as much as possible before he left the next year. I would walk down the hall carrying 3-4 textbooks and he would push me. I was so shocked the first time he did it. Why would he push me? I had never done anything to him? During all this time the name calling only got worse. The small group of friends I had diminished as they all wanted to be popular. All except my best friend.

My best friend was the prettiest girl I have ever seen even at a young age. I always will be jealous of her cheek bone and thin thighs. She was immediately accepted into the popular cliches but she never left me.

Still in 5th grade bully1 (not the guy bully, bully one is a girl). started to attack. I was used to being called name and being picked last but someone that I directly trusted hurting me was something I could never imagine her doing. We had been friends for years both liking the same things. She was the girl that could draw mad cartoon drawings. We had always been friends but about twice a year we would fight over the stupidest things. These fights were literally wars that every year every teacher expected becuase we would always do it. One day we were friends and the next we weren't speaking.

The most significant fight was about bully2. bully1 and I were pretty close and then bully2 came along. bully2 had a sister the same age as bully1 so they hung out quite a lot. In sixth grade bully1 and bully2 were as close as could be and I was the third wheel. after 4th grade my best friends mom lost her job and she had to go to public school so I was alone at school. Every day the two bullies would torment me physically and emotionally. They would spread the stupidest of rumors. In 6th grade everyone was dating. This was horrible. I of course did not have a boyfriend and had no intention of getting one but the bullies had other plans. They got a boy I REALLY liked to fake ask me out and then dump me 2 days later then start dating bully1 that same day. This was my first heartbreak and it was stupid.

The bullies would have mass sleep overs with all my former friends were they would send me texts and voice calls telling me how much they hated me. How I was a stupid slut. They would send me pictures of parties that I wasn't invited too with captions like " look how much fun we are having with out you!". All throughout the school year teachers thought bully1 and I were best friends becuase I wasn't allowed to leave her side. I was like her own little minion. She literally would grab my arm and dig her nails inside my arm to the point were I bled to make sure I didn't leave her side. I was forced to sit my her at lunch as she made fun of me openly and the worst part was that I couldn't walk away. Not becuase I wasn't strong enough but becuase I was afraid of the physical harm that would come to me later.

I tried going to other children for help but it was like she had them all wrapped around her finger becuase as soon as I shared my distress I bombarded with another rumor. None of those girls would try and help me becuase they all believed that they were doing the right thing. They truly believed everything she said.

I was at home one night watching ghost adventures when the night I will never forget happened. It was Friday and all I heard about all week was this party. I knew I wasn't invited and that didn't bother me but what happened next made me want to die.

"you are such a slut. I can't believe you would lie to all you friends. God hates you know. you shouldn't be here. no one likes you. you are so mean. now we all see your true colors and hate you. your true colors are hideous so get away from all of us"

I never figured out who wrote that text message and I never intend too.

I cried for days.

I felt like the whole world was against me and no one wanted me.

Maybe I should just kill myself like everyone was telling me too.

That text message came on March 17.

I never went back to school. Monday came and my parents tried to drag me out of bed. I would not go. I ate 3 buckets of icecream in 24 hours even though I was lactose intolerant. I wanted to feel the pain in my stomach becuase it remained me that I do feel pained. I started hurting my self. never cutting my wrists becuase it was too noticiable. Instead I felt comfort in using myself to harm myself. I would use my nails just as bully1 would and scrape the inside of my arms in the shower until little red dots appeared and eventually bled. I didn't eat anything at all for 3 days. I didn't speak for over a month. We went to so many doctors. they all said the same thing " she is just a teenager she will come through ". I never spoke with the doctors. I hated them. My parents would take me to shrinks and leaving me there.

The shrinks would ask questions like.

"do you smoke?"

"have you ever experimented with alcohol or drugs ?"

I just stayed silent.

During this time I noticed severe stomach pains. I had always had acid reflux but this was different. It was excruciating.

I had my first panic attack in the middle of mass. Even though I wouldn't speak I would still go to mass. I loved God and I believed that he would get me through it. I think that is why I could never use a blade to hurt myself. I only used myself becuase if God made me and I hurt my self using myself it felt better.

Anyway , in the middle of mass I felt the excruciating pain come on again. I looked around and bully1 was sitting ride behind me. She neve NEVER went to church. Church was the only place I felt safe but here she was smiling at me like nothing had ever happened in the middle of mass. I wish I could tell you that I smacked that smirk off her face but I can't becuase I started hyperventilating to the point were I passed out.

All I can say to someone who has never had a panic attack is its hell. They come on with no reason sometimes and you figure out later why it was triggered.

After that day I stopped going to church in fear that I would see her again. I still regret that decision.

My panic attacks now happended on a regular basis. they lasted about 45 minutes. It would start out as acid reflux. then I would think about my old school then I would think about my stomach pains then I would think about bully1 then I would think about hurting myself then I would think about death and it was a never ending cycle. On the outside I had no control over my breathing. I would hyperventilate to the point of not being able to breathe. This scared me so I was clutching my chest and hitting my self trying to get me to snap out of it.

I broke my own rib by hitting myself becuase I couldn't breathe. I had to go the ER were I was admitted immediately and sedudated.

The next thing I knew I woke up at Center Point. For those of you not familiar with Center Point it is a mental hospital. Of course I didn't know this at the time to waking up in a room that was so white it was blinding and literally sedated so much I couldn't move.

My parents calmed me down and we sat in that room for 4 hours without food and I had not eaten since the day before and all I ate was an orange so of course I had another panic attack.

The same nurse kept coming in saying " the doctor will be with you any moment". Eventually I was able to feel my body again and in that very room is wear I learned to pace. Thanks to that horrifying wait I now can pace endlessly anywhere.

This room was about 20ft bye 10ft and I was going insane. if they kept me in this room much longer I would give them I reason to put me in this mental hospital!

Finally! 4 hours later a man came in. He took my blood pressure which I already had memorized because I had been to so many doctors already and asked me the same questions.

"have you ever thought about hurting others?"

NO!! WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT??!!

So after I answered all the questions he concluded that I had extreme anxiety and depression. thanks doc.

After that visit I was so scared of doctors that I didn't anything I could to get away from them. I smiled I laughed I told them I felt SO much better. They gave me 4 different pills and set me free. These pills are horrible. I can not feel anything. You tell me someone is dead and I'll just stare at you. It is useless. I feel void of all emotion.

I wanted to fix this. I was still getting threats and names sent to me so I hid my phone and didn't look at it for until school started.

After I quit going to school in March the rest of my school year confided of panic attacks and doctors visits. Eventually I was started worrying about next year. How could I go back there? Long hours on the computer researching and debating left me with one choice.

Sacred Heart Academy

If I had never stumbled across this school I probably wouldn't be hear. Sacred Heart saved my life and I am forever grateful. I convinced my parents this was the only option. I have 4 other brothers and sister me being the oldest, that all go to my former school. My parents were not just going to let me switch easily but I convinced them. August 17 officially stated my new life. I made new friends and relized that there was something seriously wrong with the people back at my old school. I now know that after suffering comes joy and you just have to hold on.

Two months ago they discover a tumor in my collarbone. Possible cancerous and better yet possibly cause from the medicine they gave me. I told all my new friend and they were so supportive of me. They posted pictures and started hashtags all in the name of me. I was blown away. No pen had ever been so supportive. They held me up. When the time for surgery came I was so scared. The doctors were the worst part. I didn't want to be laying in a bright white room not being able to move ever again but they said it was my only choice. Moments before I was under amnesia I got a text.

It was from bully1.

Apparently things weren't going so well for her. Her uncle just killed himself. All her minions abbanded her. Her parents just signed the paper for divorce. She apologized. She said " with everything going on in my life and now finding out you had a tumor I don't know if I can do this anymore".

I should have felt happy or glad that she was suffering but I wasn't becuase I had forgiven her. I know this sounds cheesy but I had.

At my school a consular came in. She gave us all rocks. She called them forgiveness rocks. She said that if you wanted to forgive someone just switch rocks with them. As all the other girls addressed thier own problems I held on too my rock. Later that week my new best friend and I drove up to my old school. Her bully coincidently switched schools and now was taking up education at my old school. We each took our rocks and through them as far as we could from the hill to the soccer field. The closure was overwhelming.

So as I lied in the hospital bed getting this text from her I made it my duty to help her.

My surgery went as well as it could have gone. My tumor is not cancerous and I only have a 4 inch scar.

Now I can tell people I fought ninjas and got this scar when they ask.

I invited bully1 over and we talked she apologized multiple times and I comforted her saying that I forgave her. We haven't talked since but I am now able to rest in peace knowing how to better handle situations.

As for my depression I am slowly taking less and less doses. Sure I have those days were everything seems grey but I always push through and always will.

I suck at giving advice but if you ever feel sad try music. It really doesn't matter what type of music you like but Birdy, MCR, tøp, Florence and the machine, and Emeli Sande helped me so much.

Thanks for reading and remember -as cheesy as it sounds there is always I light at the end of the tunnel