I never really saw myself as a victim of bullying but it was always there. I would get called names here and there by classmates, family, even friends but it never bothered me much until 7th grade. In 7th grade, I started middle school and had none of my friends in my classes. They all had classes together, but I was in none of them. Yeah, I saw them at lunch and break, but they all made new friends and many of them stopped talking to me. I met new people too but was not close enough with any of them to ever join their social groups or group of friends. I was starting to become very lonely when it came to being out during lunch and break. Some people noticed and would call me a loner or would say that I was so awkward and weird. They would talk and stare with their friends but it still didn't bother me much. I was lucky enough to still have my little kid elementary spirit and was pretty content with myself. I still talked to some of my old friends here and there which kept me happy, and I was becoming close with a boy that I sat next to in quite a few of my classes. I really liked him and I thought he maybe liked me back. Little did I know at the time that he would ruin my entire life. He was always pretty obnoxious being the popular class clown type and what not. His friends were pretty jerky too but I didn't mind. They would sometimes talk about how lonely and awkward I was behind my back thinking that I was deaf or something but I heard every word. This is when my crush/soon to be bully actually stood up for me. I heard him tell them to shut up and I looked back and he smiled at me. I thought he was the sweetest and maybe he really did like me. By this time, things were going good, great even. I was talking to my old friends from elementary more and more around school, I had great grades, I was socializing more with people in my classes, I was even hanging out with some of them at lunch and break! I felt great about everything. I was completely content. Then came winter break, and the end of first semester. I was bored and one day I was scrolling through Facebook. Around this time, many people were putting up status' that said if they got a cretain amount of likes, they would put up an additional post and tag their crushes. It seemed to go great for every person who did it. Their crushes were always flattered and it seemed like a great way to express feelings for another person. I decided to do it and in a few days I got the likes required. My crush and all his friends had happened to like my status as well. I decided that I would go through with it and put up a status tagging him. I did it late that night and went to sleep thinking it would be great waking up to my crush possibly messaging me back saying he liked me too or something. I lay in bed thinking that night about how great everything was going for me. I was finally getting somewhere, or so I thought. The next morning I exitedly woke up and logged into Facebook before doing anything else. I was surprised at how many notifications I had. There were at least 15, which seemed like a lot for 7th grade me at the time. I clicked on one that said my crush had commented on the status. "What the hell?!" "I don't see you that way." Were the first two comments on the post. Many followed saying things such as "lol" "what a fail" I didn't have the guts to read the others although I did see one slightly positive one from my elementary friend that said "don't be such an ass" I was pretty crushed but this was just the start. I quickly deleted the entire status hoping the 30 something people that saw it would forget about it and hopefully I would too. I was in a panic. What did I do wrong? Maybe I should message him and say sorry. So, that's what I did. I messaged him apologizing and said that I hoped things wouldn't be too awkward between us in second semester. A few minutes later he saw the message and then blocked me on Facebook. I was stumped, crushed, and disappointed in myself. I started thinking maybe it was because I really was just a weird awkward girl. What if I was too fat? What if he thinks I'm ugly? What does everyone else think about me? I hated myself for the rest of winter break and dreaded going back to school. Once the big day finally came, I walked through the school halls to get to my first class. I passed people in my classes and they would smirk, laugh, chuckle, talk about the whole Facebook incident to their friends as I passed them. I hated myself more and more with every whisper whether it was about me or not. I sat down in my first class dreading what was to come. My crush sat near me in every class. I even sat right behind him in physical education. I was pretty early that day and no one was really in class yet. As a few of the jerky guys walked in they looked at me, laughed and said "oh wow, what a fail" they would talk about it right in front of me laughing about it while I just sat there staring at the floor hoping that they would stop. More and more people showed up and I was the talk of the class, even some of the school that day. Word spread fast and this was juicy stuff to a lot of people. I felt more and more ashamed and disgusted with myself and everyone around me. I couldn't tell my family because I wasn't allowed to have Facebook at that time and I would get in huge trouble if they found out I had made an account anyways. I pushed everyone away and everyone seemed to push back. My crush was now my bully. He was pretty popular and knew everyone in our grade level including all my old friends. He would tell them that I was weird and gross or that he couldn't believe that I liked him. They all grew distant and probably bought what he was saying about me. I knew that everyone thought I was weird and awkward now. It was just a fact at this point and I hated myself for it. I spent my break and lunches alone in the school library trying to look busy whenever someone saw me alone. I started viewing myself as worthless, ugly, weird, and thought I would be better off dead. I then stared thinking about suicide everyday. My first class was math and it was on the second story. Instead of doing work I often thought about jumping out of the window or thought of ways to kill myself. I would often cry and people would stare and talk about me but I didn't care anymore. I hated everyone. I loved my family and they kept me going. I felt sad thinking that they had no idea that they're baby girl was thinking about killing herself everyday. I would cry everyday just thinking about how upset they would be if they knew how I felt. Somehow I managed to finish 7th grade. My grades dropped a lot but I still passed them all with C's and B's. I felt better that summer thinking that maybe 8th grade wouldn't be so bad. Summer passed. I didn't think about suicide as often. I wasnt sad but I wasn't happy. I was just living and I felt hollow. 8th grade came and I really didn't care about what other people said but I cared about what they thought. Not much was said about me that year at all, in fact, I met some great friends that really kept me going and I was hardly alone. The Facebook thing died down but it was still talked about here and there. Those days still haunted me and really changed my perception of myself. Now, instead of hating people and what they said about me, I hated myself. After all, it was me that got me into that whole mess. I was to blame right? Right. So that's when I started self harming because it seemed like a good way to take my anger out on myself but little did I know that it hurt the people around me alot more than it hurt me. My parents eventually saw my cuts and scars. They were really understanding and got me into therapy. They still didn't know about the Facebook incident and they still don't know to this day. Therapy has helped but it hasn't made the memories or feelings go away. I still have to deal with hating myself everyday and I still have frequent thoughts of suicide. I'm going into 10th grade now and I'm hoping that this year will be good. 9th grade was a little rough and involved more self harm and more therapy but over all it was bearable and I really enjoyed myself. I even passed all my classes which felt amazing. I am still going to therapy. I still worry about what people think about me and I feel like they're always talking about me behind my back. I get panic attacks because I get so overwhelmed with paranoia and suicidal thoughts. Self harm still occurs but it is not as bad as it used to be and I can go longer periods of being clean now. Overall, I'm slowly fixing myself from that one small incident that happened 3 years ago. Sure, I may chip and Crack here and there, but who doesnt? I'm glad that I stayed alive and I'm proud of myself for getting through such a rough patch. That incident has brought so many challenges and changes that were for the worse, but I have learned a lot from it all. It is one of my greatest hopes that no one will ever have to suffer this much. For people who are going through this, they need to know that they're not alone and things really will get better with time. This is my story and my journey through the battlefield. I'm still fighting but one day I will win. One day we will all win :)) ♡♡♡