I'm twelve and i already want to die. I've been bullied every single day of my life ever since kinder-garden. I wall always the tallest kid in the class and at home my dad would always give me praise for that. I loved being tall, from what i can remember. Then i entered kinder-garden. Everybody laughed at me and since the school was k to 8th grade i even had bullies in the 8TH GRADE. He was a very tall and had a whole group of friends, he took the bus with me. I'll call him Bully #1 i didn't have any friends so i was all alone. He would call me fat, weird, stupid and he would call me a bitch and all that and sometimes it even escalated to sexual things that i refuse to say... I would stay in the main office because i didn't want to go on the school bus, because that was when the 8th graders would bother me the most. My parents eventually had to pull me out of that school.

I got bullied as soon as i got there again because of my hight. As if going to a new school wasn't scary enough, right? I met this really mean girl, can't say her name but for now i'll call her Bully #2. I thought she was my friend because whenever i was with her she was cool, funny, and nice but as time went on she started changing and calling myself and my old friends retards and stupid dumb and crap like that. All i did was cry.

Came home?Cried. Woke up?Cried. Left school?Cried. Came to school?Cried. Went to sleep? Cried.

2nd Grade.

One day i was rocking back in forth in my chair. I fell and hit my head, and it hurt like hell, i was in so much pain, but that didn't matter everybody still laughed at me. I was crying and the teacher was by my side telling them to be quiet. It was hell. Nothing really major but just wait. IT GETS WORSE.

3rd Grade.

I met my first Physical bully. Bully #3.

He was so cruel. He would stop me in the hallway just to call me names and kick me. I was only in the third grade so i thought he was just playing around. (sad i know) One day i was called out early and he decided to use the bathroom right when i was leaving. We were on the stair case. He pulled my backpack back-words and i fell, he slapped me right across the face and then he kicked me but i got up and ran, ran past the front desk and my mother and all the way to the car. My mother asked if i was okay as soon as she got in the car with me. I didn't tell her anything. This continued for two years until he transferred schools. Different day, same routine. one time he grabbed my wrist and left a cut.

I went to counseling that year.

4th grade was just minor teasing nothing too serious Bully #3 was still bothering me but you already know that.

5th grade

everything just got so much worse i was depressed, short tempered i always wanted to be alone and i hated people with a passion. I cut and burned, i was anorexic for a short period of time and i just couldn't do anything right. I wanted to die so bad. ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE GONE. I always fought with my parents, I wanted to run away and never come back.

6th grade.

more physical bullying, YAYYY. This time i was getting punched and slammed into lockers hit with books slapped kicked EVERYTHING. thrown against tables i even got hit with a chair once. I met another "friend" (notice the quotation marks) She was cool i guess, even though i now hate her with a passion. She was always talking behind my back desperate to get to me. She called me the following names:

Fake

Slut

Bitch

Whore

Waste of space

Unoriginal

Copier

Mother fucker

dumb

stupid

retarded

mistake

fat ass

dumb ass

stupid ass

bitch ass

fuck up

loser

poser

AND THE LIST GOES ON AND ON

she then took what little friends i had left and turned them against me. So i was left friendless like before.

I still told no one.

7th grade

I was finally brave enough to tell my parents i was being bullied but i didn't want to be specific. They took me to another counseler where i was professionally diagnosed with the following:

- Clinical Depression ( i took zoloft and prozac aka anti depressants for that)

- Social anxiety ( i didn't get medication for that.)

-Insomnia

-Anger Issues

-BPD (bipolar disorder) that is gone now.

AFTER THAT THINGS GOT EVEN WORSE.

i didn't want to see my counceler.

I shut my parents out.

I stopped talking.

I started thinking about suicide a lot more.

I would listen to angry and sad music

When i talked to my parents we fought and they would hit me sometimes...

I started cutting and burning a lot more.

I had breakdowns.

I stopped taking my medication.

I stayed in my dark room.

Voices

more voices

i wasn't good enough

im still not good enough

i want to be gone.

I tried to commit suicide.

Remember how i said i was an insomniac ( have insomnia)

Yeah, well they gave me sleeping tablets. So i took them off of the medication shelf and i wrote a suicide note. I took out the pills but before i could swallow them my friend came over. Shit, i thought. I totally forgot about her. She must have HEARD ME OR SOMETHING BECAUSE SHE CAME INTO THE BATHROOM AND LITERALLY TACKELED ME TO THE FLOOR TAKING THE PILLS AWAY AND RESTRAINING MY ARMS.

i still go to counseling and i take my medication now but i still wish i was dead. Living is not my thing i guess. I feel lile, like a monster. I dont belong here. They say that music is the words that some cant speak so here are some songs to explain the way i feel.

Little do you know - Alex & Sierra

Dark enough - Amanda Lopiccalo

Dear Diary - MikeIWJ

Breathe Me- Sia

Paradise - Coldplay

ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE HAPPY.

- @BeautifulLucaya