This room is bare, each night is cold. There's an emptiness in everything- nothing will ever be the same. My unruly mane has grown past my shoulders, unkept, waves lacking their shining luster. I guess you could say I'm going back to all the things I miss from my youth. If only to try to reimagine a different ending to the tale that froze my time.

"I know it's hard, son...shhh....shhhhhh,"

I break out into another heaving, snotty sob, strangling the pillow that's now lost her scent. The thought of never having that anymore, tears me down in the worst way all over again. Mum is rubbing small circles on my back. I refuse to respond. I haven't said a word in days. I refuse to face the window, though the curtains are shut- I do not want to see the world or be a part of it. My darkness is my only friend.

Time elapses, my days are spent by lying here for countless hours. I do not bother with anything I don't need. Who needs to eat? Who needs to speak? Who needs a shower? There's no one I've got to impress.

"Come on, Fred- let some light in...,"

Kashs voice is chipper and trying, but I close my eyes to the bright light that casts shadows across the room once she draws the curtains. My eyes stare at the floorboards- all I want to do is sleep and dream. That's all I'll ever have left of her.

"Freddie....it's been weeks, mate. You've got to eat better, you have to get up....the twins are asking for you...,"

Deacy sits by my feet as I curl into a ball to tuck away from him. Away from them. All of them trying to coax me from the bed that I've claimed as my tomb.

But I know I've got to get up, soon. I know I have to be the father she would expect me to be. I have to get to know our little Lily, I have to be a better role model to my little beans. They all need me, I'm a father of three and all alone in this now. They need better than just me. They need their mother...we all do...

All of her words, her letter, her songs from all those years ago when we thought that child birth would be the way she would leave- well, we were wrong. And, unexpected accidents are far worse than what you actually prepare for.

I keep replaying everything in my mind, tormenting myself, cursing the last things I said to her. I told her not to take too long- maybe if she hadn't been rushing.....I didn't even kiss her properly, I didn't even hug her or say I love you. She was sad about Rose and still tender about Lily and me- us. She left in a hurry and then she never came back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Excuse me, Cherie is calling- I'll be right back,"

I walk away from my family and head towards the kitchen. I want to be able to be unheard of I have to help her through this- I know she's so stressed and upset about Roses cancer.

"Freddie? It's Thomas. Listen- I..uh, I'm so sorry Freddie, there's no easy way to put this- but Cherie was in a terrible car accident. It was a head on collision, the emts arrived on the scene with me and...I'm so sorry Freddie, but she didn't make it...,"

My world is spinning so fucking fast I think I might vomit or break. I'm at a loss for words, praying viciously that this is some kind of joke- a nightmare- anything else! Anything else, but certainly not the truth!

"W-What What- what do you m-mean?!," I don't even try to conceal the fear that lashes at my heart. I'm a stuttering mess, trying to comprehend reality and trying not to believe a word of it at the same time.

"I'm sorry- so soo sorry. I..I found her phone on the side of the road and called you straight away. She's not going to the hospital Freddie...she...they took her to the morgue....,"

I remember screaming my bloody head off and falling to the ground. I remember wanting the floor to open up and swallow me whole. I remember trying to let go of her casket- and the hands that had to pry me off of the damned thing, while I wailed like a typical weeping widow.

But, I can't remember my words. I can't remember what happened the day that Lily came home. I can't even remember anything new. I don't want to. I don't want my mind to take up space with new things. My brain is a montage of photos and videos and feelings, words, songs, scents- all of it is her.

I'm scared that if I dare do, say, or think anything new, or anything that she doesn't get to be here to witness- I'm scared that it'll make me start to forget her. And I could never live that way.

I'm barely living at all.

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