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Sona felt like she was being weaved into a web of endless circles. Why would Abhay even think it was his fault? He didn't make her have an attack. He didn't snatch her inhaler. What was he even thinking? Punishment himself with such thoughts when he was only 15.

Sona rubbed her tired eyes, at least she had gotten an answer. At least now she understood why he didn't talk to her properly anymore. Tarni had spilled her guts out, finally. She told him what she had overheard as a kid; the conversation Abhay and their mother had. The fact that the day when she had gotten an asthma attack impacted him too strongly made her feel. . . . strange.

What was she feeling?

She touched her wildly beating heart.

It was not love. But guilt.

She closed her eyes, rubbing her face with the heel of her palm as she sat on the steps outside the garden. It was New Year's today, so of course all couples were being extra clingy. Sona realised that she would have to witness these kids kissing each other sneakily under the eyes of Rimple ma'am and Akash sir. It would be too dark anyway and also too adventurous.

Sona didn't have anyone to kiss. Why was she even worried about that?

"What land are you lost in today?" someone knocked on her head.

"Aksith!" she grumbled, rubbing her head with a mean glare. "Keep your hands to yourself."

"Can't keep my hands to myself. . . " he sang with a sly grin, his amber eyes twinkling.

"Did Abhay scold you or anything?" she shook her head and asked instead.

"No," his grin didn't flatter and neither did the glow in his eyes. "I wanted to tell you something."

"What?"

"You know how everyone like, has a partner to kiss on New Years. . . . "

"Yes?" her voice grew a little impatient.

"And we don't don't. . . . " he said with a drawl.

"I thought you were going to tell Tarni how you feel?" she said with raised eyebrows, not understanding the underlying meaning behind his words.

"Yeah," his cheeks turned a little red as she looked at him. He looked away and scratched his head. "I-I think maybe you should tell Abhay too."

"Oh."

"Omg! Omg! Omg!" Priya came running down the stairs and started pulling both of them. "Someone is asking Abhay out!"

Damn.

Sona shared a look with Aksith, one filled with bewildered as she was pulled away.

There in the garden, many people had stopped doing whatever they were doing. Even the staff who was preparing for the New Years night paused in their work to see the scene unfold.

Diya was standing in front of Abhay, a shy smile on her face as she thrust the rose in her hand towards him. "The meaning of rose is love and even if it's to early to say that. . . . Abhay I really love you. I have since college started."

Sona's eyes was fixed on his face, he looked unreadable even with thousand people staring him down. His fingers grasped the steam of the rose, his eyes fixated on Diya's face.

Sona felt her heart would stop forever.

Her breathing heaving as she felt tears pooling in her eyes, why was she crying?

"Sona," Aksith covered her eyes with his hand. "Don't see it, Sona."

Sona's lower lips wobbled, she would still hear everything.

". . . . What do you feel about me?"

What did you feel about me, Abhay?

". . . . I hope I didn't shock you. . . I made it quiet obvious I always liked you. . . . "

I hoped I didn't shock you, Abhay when I tell you I love you too. I made it quiet obvious I liked you, didn't I?

". . . . You don't have to answer now. . . ."

No, Abhay! You have to tell me now! We known each other for 18 years, was there not a moment when you felt you were more than a brother to me?

"Sorry, Diya," he said. "I don't like you like that. Also if I did, I don't want to date right now."

Sorry Sona, you were always a sister to me. How could you ever feel things were more between us?

Aksith pressed his hand gently on her eyes, her tears wetting his palm. He spoke softly in her ear. "You should tell him, Sona."

How could he ask her to him tell her feelings when she knew he would reject her just like he rejected Diya?

🦋🦋🦋

Sona was sitting on the log, the one where she had found Aksith singing. She knew he had said they would do the countdown together, but she had sneaked off in amidst of the music and cheerful chatter. It wasn't like she was very far from them though, just a little far. At the other end of the garden, brooding and lost in thought.

Diya had so much confidence that she felt envious. She confessed to Abhay, in front of a whole crowd and even when she was rejected she took it so well.

Why couldn't she do it? Why? Maybe if she confessed she could give her heart a break. It was hurting her too much.

"Sona?"

She didn't need to turn around to see it Abhay himself. He had been looking at her the whole party. She felt like she was being spied the whole time.

He sat down beside her without a work, he reeked of alcohol and Sona sighed and he rubbed her head. At least he wouldn't get angry.

"Why are you here, Sona?" his twiddled with his thumb as he looked at her but she didn't look at him. Even in the dark she was scared that she would remember each and every contour of his face, the rise and fall of his nose and the way he moved his lips. If it was the Sona before, she would've loved to know that but not this Sona. This Sona either wanted Abhay all in her heart and not at all, no more in the middle.

"Someone was spying on me the whole time," her words were harsh.

She felt him shuffle and then he was engulfed by warmth. She grew startled as her heart thundered in her chest. Why was he hugging her out of no where? Why was drunk Abhay so unpredictable?

"I am sorry, Sona," he mumbled against her skin. "I still blame myself."

"Then don't! It wasn't your fault and you know it! You've punishing yourself like a 15 year old the whole time! You are 20 now!" she said, shaking her head as she elbowed her way out of her arms. "Don't touch me, Abhay."

"Sona?" his fingers brushed her shoulder and she flinched away.

"Are you still angry?"

She nodded. "I am."

"Forgive me?"

"No!" she yelled.

"Look at me, Sona," he beseeched.

She shook her head as she wiped a traitorous tear away.

"Just this once?" he was pleading her.

She gave in and looked at his face, she immediately gasped. His eyes were wet as tears streamed down his face.

"I was very stupid Sona," he sniffed and gave a laugh. "That day, it haunts me. Every night it haunts me and I thought after that day I didn't deserve you anymore. I was the reason you almost died that day, Sona. How am I suppose to act like I still deserve you?"

"Don't cry," she mumbled unconsciously.

"I am just drunk," he laughed again with his tears. "It feels good to get it off my chest."

"You should have never thought that way, Abhay," she pursed her lips, her own throat chocking up. "It hurt me so much."

His eyebrows drew together in confusion.

"You ignoring me," she said, "It hurt me so much, Abhay."

"I am sorry," he harshly wiped his face.

"I thought you hated me," she cried. "And I thought it was my fault."

"I love you, Sona," he finally cupped her face and this time she didn't move him away immediately. She relished the moment, the way his mouth said those three words, the way his eyes were blood-shoot, the way his lips looked so inviting. She looked away, tears rolling down her cheek. He swept his thumb over them.

He kissed her forehead. She glared at him. He gave another kiss, a slightly wet one. Her forehead felt warm, but she glared at him more harder.

"I don't blame you for hating me."

"I don't hate you," she said immediately and pried his hand off her face. She was a blushing mess in the dark night. She had always dreamed of being so close to him, to kiss him, but now it was only making her feel sad.

"I love you, Sona," he said it again, his eyes fogged up. They way he said it, was the same way he would tell her when they were kids.

Sona felt like crying, his hand grazed the clip he brought for her. "Don't touch me," she said feebly.

He moved his hand away instantly. "What should I do?"

"For what?" she asked.

"So everything can be back to normal."

"Nothing will be back to normal," she said, she wasn't a 9 year old anymore who loved playing chor police with him, she was 18 now and she was in love with him. How could things go back to normal?

"Don't say that," he softly said. "I don't want you to be angry with me," he was talking like a child.

"I won't be tomorrow," she said, her shoulder brushing his. "Let me be angry now."

"Only now?" he drawled.

"Only now."

"You are drunk, Abhay," Sona smiled a little as she shook her head.

"I am telling the truth."

"What am I to you, Abhay?" she suddenly questioned him. "Why am I so important to you?"

He stayed quiet so some time, lost in his thought. He was looking at the sky, there were no stars but endless clouds. The snow under their feet also got more colder when silence engulfed them.

"You are special," he said, still gazing at the sky. "You've always been special."

"What is that suppose to mean?" her voice cracked.

"When I saw you almost dying. . . . " he mumbled. "I thought I would die, too."

Sona pressed her lips together, her chest was heaving with anticipation her heart doing somersaults. She waited for him to speak but he didn't.

She tried not to cry, tried not to let his innocent words hurt her. Her hands shuffled inside her pocket and she found the neatly folded paper she had put in her pocket in the morning. She looked at him and he was looking at her already, smiling at her.

She stood up hastily. "Take this" she thrust the letter in his hand. "Only write back if your reply is positive."

He looked cute when he was confused and drunk, he unfolded the paper when she stopped him.

"When I go away!" she yelled.

He nodded seriously. "Okay."

Sona smiled at little, wondering if he would remember even half of what they talked about. She clenched her fist and walked backwards. "One more thing," she gained up all her courage to say this. "Don't tell me you love me."

With that she started walking away.

She didn't want to hear his 'I love you's'. They didn't mean what she wanted them to mean and she hated herself for being too greedy.

I think this chp was really heart breaking to even write.