Chapter Fifty Five- It's complicated

Curiosity is a funny thing. It is defined as 'the desire to learn or know about anything; inquisitiveness'. Curiosity pulls us to do things. It's a horrible pull that drives you insane until it is satisfied. Curiosity is the reason I'm doing this...it's the only reason I'm doing this.

I slowly walked toward my computer and sat down in the chair staring at the blank screen, debating on whether to type in the address or not.

Why would he give me a web address? It didn't make any sense to me. It would go to youtube. I knew that much because it was there starring up at me, in the address.

I shook my head and typed in the address. Screw it, I'm curious.

It seemed like ages before the page changed and a video began loading. The title at the top read 'I'm sorry that I am an idiot'

In the little box, that had been black now glowed of Tom's little music studio. He sat in front of the camera. He looked horrible once, again which gave me a twinge of guilt.

"This message is for Cassandra Mary Dean, the love of my life. I was horrible to her and she has every right to hate me...I just hope that she is listening to this, please be listening to this...

I was an idiot. No scratch that I am an idiot. I was so mad at myself that all of this was my fault, that I hurt you, that I blamed you. Which was wrong. You're not the problem, you have never been the problem...I am. I was so scared that I thought that you were going to leave. I got paranoid, and in the end...that just made you leave." He shook his head, and took a deep breath before continuing "I said those horrible things, because I was confused...But I didn't mean them. Like Rupert told me, you are the most committed girlfriend that there ever was. I had no idea to the extent that you gave up for me...I must have over looked it. I mean you stood up to your father for me?" He shook his head again "I don't think that I could have done that- no I know that I couldn't stand up to my father like that. But you did, and no one has ever done anything like that for me before...

And you're right. I never do listen to you, and I should because not listening to you just gets me into more trouble...If I just took the time to listen to you, I could have prevented everything that happened between us." He sighed in frustration.

"I hate myself for letting you leave that night. I let you slip through my fingers just like Will. I admit that I am almost as bad as Will. I was more than horrible to you and you deserve so much better than me. From me hiding our relationship to yelling at you and making you hate me...I'm surprised you stuck with me for that long.

You gave up your life for me, and I didn't realize or appreciate it. I mean when I think back to it...you literally gave everything. First you gave up your friends, then you gave up your job, then your home, then your family...and half the time you were alone...I can't believe that you did that." He looked like he was on the verge of tears now.

"You are an angel. I swear to god you were sent from heaven, and I really don't deserve you, I don't think that anyone deserves you...you are that amazing, but I can't live without you. These past five months have been nothing but agony; they have been killing me inside. And I have no doubt that you could get another boyfriend who is much better than I am, but he will never love you as much as I do. How could he? I can't even begin to explain how much I love you; I don't think that there are words in any language to describe it. I know that I'm going to want to breathe the same air that you breathe for the rest of my life. You are going to be the only one that I am ever going to love" I was crying by now "And I know now that I would rather be anywhere but here without you.

So here I am Cas. I am admitting to the world that I am wrong. That I am a bloody idiot. I want everyone to know that I love you, that I am always going to love you...

Please come home. Give me a chance to be the man that you deserve. Please Cas" His face was so broken and so hurt as the screen went blank.

Tears streamed down my face, as I sat there looking at the blank screen that now filled with advertisements. It took me a moment to fully comprehend it. To wrap my brain around what he just did. He admitted to the world that he was wrong.

I whipped the tears off my face, and leaned closer to the screen scrolling down. It had already had over 2,000 views.

And over 1,000 comments.

I scrolled through a bunch of them.

FeltFan445: This is the sweetest thing ever! :') I only wish my boyfriend was this sweet!

MalfoyForever17: Did he really just do that????

HPTRIOFAN: She is crazy if she doesn't go back with him!

HatterMadder: Wait what did he do?

Teddybearfever: @HatterMadder: What do you think? Obviously he hurt her...or really pissed her off.

The most popular one though was:

EWATSON1342: TOM AND CASSIE FOREVER

I took in deep breaths reading other people's comments. It was crazy...this whole thing was crazy.

I stood up, and paced around the room a bit, having too much adrenaline to continue sitting in the chair.

I looked down and realized that I was still only in a robe. I walked into my closet and pulled on some jeans and a long sleeve shirt.

I banged my head on the side of my closet door. What am I going to do? I would feel like a total bitch, if I just ignored it. I wanted to go and see him...he did just apologize in front of thousands. But I didn't know if I was ready to forgive him.

I bit my lip, and did something that I had never done before. I typed in Tom Felton in the search zone on youtube.

About 5,570 results appeared. I sighed and scrolled through them.

I must have watched 50 videos, of just him, just pictures, when it started raining, causing the afternoon light to fade behind dark clouds.

Then I started watching videos of Draco Malfoy, just for kicks, and then I watched the video about four more times.

I love the god damn idiot. I knew that I still loved him; I never stopped loving him really. He just hurt me so I said I hated him to hurt him. I never thought that he would ever hurt me though, who is to say he wouldn't do it again? And what...if I go there...I'm losing my life again. I don't think that I can go through the past five months again...I can't relive that.

I miss him desperately. And I hate that I miss him...I hate that I love him...It makes everything difficult.

Man sometimes I really just wish that I had stayed home on that day. So many things would be different. I would still be friends with Danielle. My father would be talking to me, and I would probably visit them more. But where was that life going? Was I just going to work at the clinic as an assistant for the rest of my life? Was that all my life was ever going to be? Is that all my life is ever going to be?

Screw it. Screw all of it. I'm tired of being alone.

I picked up my keys and my phone, and ran out of my apartment to my car, and peeled out of my parking space, heading for the main road.

An hour into the drive though I was back to not wanting to go. I kept going back a forth, back and forth, back and forth.

And the rain only made me depressed. It was a light rain, no thundering or anything, but it still was annoying.

All too soon, the familiar street, came into view, and I was parked in the drive way.

I took my time, getting out of the car and into the rain.

I walked down the side walk staring at my shoes...when I got to the lane though, I stopped. Tom was half way out the door in jeans and a white t-shirt, staring at me.

I sighed and continued walking up the long lane. He started walking the other half, so we were going to meet in the middle.

The rain drops splattered on his shirt, and his blonde hair started to turn darker and stick to his face, causing my heart to beat faster.

"Why are you an idiot?" I asked nonchalantly still walking towards him.

"I don't know" He said staring at me, looking hopeful.

We stopped when we were about two feet apart, both soaked.

I looked up at him "Why do you make me love you?" I asked

"Because I love you" He answered.

He leaned down slowly, hesitantly. I missed the electric current that you could feel between us, when we were this close. He was moving too slow for my liking though.

I wrapped my hands around his wet neck, and pressed our lips together. His lips were swift upon mine; they were needy, hungry, but sweet. This kiss said that he loved me...in the most sweetest way that I can imagine.

I pulled away though, careful not to get carried away, and wrapped my arms around his neck, barring my face in his shoulder, loving the smell of peppermint that filled my nostrils, like I was breathing for the first time...really breathing.

He wrapped his arms around my torso, so that they were overlapping. We stayed like that for I don't know how long. It could have been minutes or it could have been hours, just standing there in the rain.

I broke away eventually though. "Can we talk?" I asked, hoping that he would listen.

He brushed away my, now straight, hair from my face and nodded, leading me into the house.

I shut the door behind me. The house had no lights on. It gave a depressing feel to it, the moonlight glowing along with the rain drops in the window, created a shadow on the furniture.

He started to walk up the stairs, I followed. He kept looking over his shoulder to make sure that I was behind him, that I hadn't run away...I hated that he felt that way.

We walked towards our-his room. And once we were inside of it, he turned to me.

His arms were out, making sure he didn't make any sudden movements. "I'm going to get you some dry clothes okay?" His eyes were scared "Just-don't-move"

I obeyed and didn't move. I looked around the room and hated what I saw. Multiple things were broken. Glass was split over the floor in one corner, from a lamp. His TV had a huge crack in it, signaling that he threw something at it. The drapes were torn and thrown on the floor. Picture frames that were on the dresser were on the floor face down. His wooden desk chair was in two halves. There were few things that were not broken, very few.

From our-his closet he threw out a pair of shorts and my favorite sweat shirt of his. I peeled off the wet clothes that clung to my skin and changed, not really caring if he saw or not.

I threw the clothes into the bath tub and rang out my hair, trying to get it to dry. The next time I walked out he was changed into a new t-shirt and pants, sitting on the bed head turned so that he was staring at me.

He opened his arms for me, almost begging to hold me.

I complied and crawled into his arms, sitting on his lap head resting on his shoulder, one arm wrapped around his neck, one around his chest, hands lacing together on his shoulder. He held me tight to him, laying his head on top of mine.

"I missed you" I whispered.

"I missed you too" he whispered back. "I'm sorry"

"I know you are..." I said not sure how to actually say what I was thinking.

"I'm forgiven?" He asked. I nodded my head under his.

"Well that's fantastic! That's really great!" he said all happy perking up.

"That doesn't mean we are back together" I said. He stiffened and he moved me, standing up looking out of the window, back facing me.

I moved to the edge of the bed, sitting on my knees. "Tom?"

"What do I have to do?" He turned around facing me, with tears in his eyes "What do I have to do to prove that I love you, I'll do anything"

I sat up higher on my knees, brushing away his tears with my thumbs. "I know you do...I know you love me, and I love you...but that's not the problem I have" I sighed, my hands on his chest, his hands wrapped around my wrists holding them there "I don't want to be hurt again...I don't want to be all broken and alone...I'm so sick and tired of being alone, having no one there...having no one to talk to. I don't like it. And who is to say this won't happen again?"

His lips tightened together, and he swung us around so that I was tucked into his chest again. "I promise that I will never hurt you ever again" he said kissing my still wet hair.

"When" I took a shaky breath "When you're mad...you're really mad, and I don't think half the time you even know what you are doing- and that frightens me"

He sighed "Well let's just not fight anymore problem solved"

I leaned back "This is us we are talking about...there are going to be fights"

"Then I don't-"

"How about we talk about us when your finished with Harry Potter?" I sighed. I could wait...it was just too hard being with him when he was away half the time.

"What? No, there has to be another way..." He took in a short intake of breath "Come with me"

"What?" I asked

"Come with me, when I go back, just come with me...Think about it, you wouldn't be alone, you could watch the filming, and it would be amazing! We would have all the time in the world to think about our problems"

"I can't just leave...I have obligations"

"Like what?"

I stood up. "Oh I don't know...like a job!"

"Take some time off" He said begging for me to come back to him.

"Oh yeah I just got off of a two month leave of absence then I go away for months on vacation...yeah I would so not be fired!"

"Then quit" he explained shrugging.

I sighed "Don't you see that it's happening again? This time I'm not going to give up everything. I'm not. I won't!" I shouted breathing heavily.

"Okay, okay calm down" He said grabbing my arm and pulling me to him again. "I just want us to be together"

"I do too...it's just too hard. I finally just started to get my life back...I'm not just going to give that away"

He sighed "And I won't ask you to...not again"

"So...where are we? I want to wait until you don't have to leave, and you want me to go with you..."

"I don't know...we will figure this out though. I'm not going to lose you, I can't"

I nodded, and buried my head in his chest.

"How about we go to sleep?" He suggested, already moving us so that we were under the covers.

I snuggled in closer to his chest, loving the warmth that I had missed for months. "I love you Tom" I told him half asleep.

His arms tightened around me "I love you too Cas, forever and ever"