JEANIE

Dear Travis,

I'm in the hospital. Big whoop there.

Everyone in my family knew what a clutz I was when I was younger and always said I'd get hurt so bad I'd end up there.

Well, they were right.

I'm laughing as I'm writing this.

Because I should have gone to the hospital a long time ago. To see if I'm not crazy.

To see if maybe I had a screw loose.

Because I'm crazy insane to have believed you all those years. All those months.

Every single day I am with you.

You lied to me. You lied to me every single time you told me you loved me.

And I believed you. I loved you too.

If only I could take that letter back. The one that said I would be waiting for you if you ever came back.

Because I won't. Not anymore. Maybe it's better for me to try for someone else. Some other males who might not run and hide from me my entire life.

Because that's what every single one of you has done. Ran from me. And hid.

You're hiding now Travis. Because you never loved me. You couldn't wait to leave me.

It all makes sense. Why you just couldn't stay away. Because you were just waiting for the day you could finally leave. Of course you couldn't expect to see me at the festival. You were perfectly happy with Lucy.

So you made it up. Forgetting me. Because that is what you were trying to do.

And our marriage! Was that a whole ploy to make Lucy jealous? Because she gave up on you?

Now I bet you're with her. Right now.

Happy.

I actually believe I might hate you. And I don't hate Travis, you should know because you spent the past four years knowing me. Chasing after me, when the real prize isn't with me.

It is her.

Nothing like a lie, huh? Yours just got bigger and bigger until you couldn't take it anymore. Until you had to divorce me.

You made me fall for you. Made me love you, Travis. It obviously worked. Because I married you.

I'm sorry I put you through so much torture, Travis. I promise I won't ever put you through life with me again.

Ever.

I'm not writing to you anymore.

Consider this our final divorce.

Lara Jean.

They removed the bullet forty minutes ago. I have just woken up to a crying Fran, who has her shoulders wrapped in Jared. They are both staring at me.

"Hey," she breathes, cupping my hand in both of hers. I give her a weak squeeze.

"How are you feeling?" Jared asks me.

I shrug. "Like I got shot."

He tries to laugh.

Fran scowls at me. "That's not funny," she whispers, and Jared's expression becomes solemn.

We all know how Fran feels about bullets. All too well.

"Where's-" I stop myself. I don't want to talk about him. He left. Again.

"He's gone. He told me he is moving tonight," Jared speaks before I can take back what I said.

Fran looks at me with a tender expression.

"I'm sorry," she says.

I sniff. "I'm not. Can you grab me a paper and a pen? Please?"

Fran does, and I begin to write quickly. I fold it up once I am done, and write his name on the front. I give it to Jared.

"Could you- somehow give that to him? Somehow?"

He nods. I know if anyone could find Travis, it would be him. Jared would find him.

Not that I want him to. But in order to give him this letter, I needed to find him. And this is the only way.

"Doctor said you can be released in an hour. Do you want anything to eat while we're waiting?" Fran asks.

"Yes. Please. Thanks."

She smiles. "Be right back," she says and leaves the room, Jared, alone with me.

"Jeanie, are you sure...?" He asks me.

I look him dead in the eye. "Yes. I don't want to see him again. If you find him, either send it to him or give it to him. I don't think I could."

He looks hurt. Because I know not only have I lost my husband, he has lost his best friend. And I'm sorry about that. I am. But I will not let myself ever see Travis again.

It's kind of hard to realize that the one person in your life you loved the hardest and most, is a lie.

A big fat lie. One I believed with my whole heart.

"I will," Jared speaks, breaking me from my thoughts.

I smile, "Thank you."

My Mother insists I come to her house a few days after recovery. I don't bother fighting it even though the last time I saw her I stormed from the house.

I am looking forward to seeing her. Not so much my stepfather.

But luckily John isn't here. Which is good for me.

I brought Fran with me for support. She knows what I can handle and what to say something I couldn't if something came up.

"Lara Jean! There you are," Mother exclaims as we walk up the stairs to greet her.

"Hi, Mom," I say as she squishes me into a bear hug. I try not to cringe as she touches my stitches.

Fran breaks off the hug. "Mrs. Reynold, she's still hurting in her shoulder. Careful."

Mother scrutinizes Fran with a look I knew all too well. But Fran has the same expression that I wish I could have had when I was younger.

But I am not as brave as she is.

"Well Francine, I have not forgotten your spunk, mind you."

I smile at Fran. She sure did have spunk.

More than I ever had.

We walk inside. I suddenly feel overwhelmed just walking through this house. I suddenly miss Travis.

Which makes me angry. No, I do not.

But, I do. That feeling has not disappeared of late.

"I have some food for you. Come and eat, and tell me what happened."

I am surprised as I take a seat at the table that she is even interested. Seeing as she wasn't even at the hospital even though she was the first person alerted of what happened.

"Do you know who shot you?" She asks me before Fran has even sat down next to me.

"No," I say.

Mother looks displeased. "Well whoever it is would feel my wrath if they ever catch that horrible creature."

A throat clears. We all look up to see John standing in the doorway. He glowers at me.

But mother smiles. "John! Come, I didn't know you'd be back so soon."

"My flight is early. How are you, Fran?" He asks her, taking a seat farthest from me.

"I am well," She looks at me. I don't bother returning her look. I am glued to John.

"And you? Lara Jean?"

I frown. Since when has he ever cared?

"Fine. As well as I can be-"

He cuts me off, "Did they ever find the shooter?" He asks, uninterested.

"No, sir," Fran replies when I don't.

John goes straight for his coffee and newspaper, ignoring the rest of us.

"Oh, dear, did I tell you that the business went through? With the manager in New York?" His face lights up all of a sudden then he glances at me with a disapproving look.

He looks back at Mother and smiles.

"No! That's great, dear," Mother says, returning his grin.

What's going on?

"I should start there soon. Next week. After so many months, huh? Or is it a year ago?"

"What business?" I ask suddenly, curious.

"Nothing," John replies.

"Oh, it's wonderful Lara Jean. He is now partnered with a shipping industry in New York. I'm so proud. They told him that they wouldn't allow him because of some misfortune in our family, but that's cleared up now," Mother squeals.

John shoots her a dark look. I don't miss it.

"What misfortune?" Fran asks, also curious.

"Nothing of consequence," John states, unfeeling.

But I don't miss his blatant look at me.

Me.

It was me. That's his misfortune.

"It is me?" I say to him. "Why?" I ask.

John looks startled. And pale.

Mother shakes her head, "You? Don't be silly, Lara Jean. It isn't you."

"Then who?" I ask, needing to know.

"I don't know. John hasn't told me that much."

John looks between the two of us.

"Is it me?" I ask him.

"No."

"Then who?"

He doesn't answer.

I have this awful feeling it isn't me. But someone close to me. Someone who could mess up his chances with this dream company. Someone who didn't live up to his standards.

I suddenly can't breathe.

No.

"What's wrong, Jeanie?" Fran asks.

I place my hand on the table, turning to the only man left with some importance. "Is it Travis?" I breathe.

His eyes widen.

Bingo.

"Travis? Lara Jean, this is insane-"

"Is it Travis?!" I interrupt.

John slowly nods.

And that is all I needed.

He never wanted Travis. He wouldn't have him here. He never approved of our marriage.

I let out a shaky breath. No. No, no!

"You!" I exclaim, pointing a finger at his face. "You... sent him that letter. You made him leave. You kicked him out of my life."

Fran looks shocked.

I have a hard time getting out the next few words, "You... had me shot. As a warning."

I look into his eyes. And I saw the truth.

I have to leave. I stand, walking out of the room, Fran following me. I only hear my Mother yelling at John.

Tears fall. I laugh.

I am so stupid.

He must have sent Lucy to hypnotize him because he would have known what she could do. He is at those family celebrations.

He knew she loved him. He knew she would do it.

He had the letter sent. Made him leave.

It was all a lie.

Then I fall to my knees. And I believed it. The wrong lie. The one where I thought Travis never loved me.

But he did. He does!

Too late.

"Jeanie?"

"Fran, it's too late! I'm too late. He's already gone. Don't have Jared send that letter!" I scramble to my feet.

"He hasn't. He can't find him."

I let out a sigh of relief.

"I have to get you home," Fran says, helping me to the car.

We climb inside. And I don't think. Or watch anything. I just cry. And cry.

I'm sorry.

I suck in a breath.

And try to stop crying.

Travis, I'm sorry.

But the tears are without mercy.