JEANIE

Dear Travis,

I remember the second time you proposed.

Later I hear you recalling that you never meant to say those words. The ones I now ache to hear but felt scared you would back then.

The words just flew from your mouth.

I was so shocked I wasn't sure what was going on since you said after that you hadn't meant to say that.

If you had never proposed to me that time, I don't think I would have known the extent of your feelings until later.

And that gave me something to think about.

For a few months after that.

It brought me to tears the first few nights.

Because I hated that someone as wonderful as you loved me. And I ached to feel the same way. I wanted to. Begged myself to.

But it didn't happen. I didn't feel the love that you felt for me.

I laugh when I think of that time. The time when I didn't love you. The time when I thought of you only as a friend.

Because now I can't imagine not ever loving you. Ever not having your love.

I think I realized it when I decided to talk to you after that. A month later. When I had all that time to think about what you said, and then I saw you, my heart became full.

Because I thought about you. The whole time, I thought about you. And it made me miss you. You were my constant companion. My best friend. The one who would listen.

And I missed that. You. I missed you. So much.

Then I got to thinking of how I would have to live without you. Because of how I didn't love you, of how you were thinking of job moving, and how much we had been growing apart.

But then the words leaked into my heart. The ones you told me so often without ever saying them.

The way you brushed your hand on my face. The way you laughed. The way you talked to me. The way you kissed me.

I realized all of those were you saying the words to me.

I think I have always loved you, Travis. Always. I just think I realized it too late.

I was just so caught up on just being a good friend, settling into my new life back home, hiding from the fact that I wanted a love that would never leave me, I only saw you in that light a few months before I finally told you I loved you.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I waited so long.

And I'm sorry that I have to wait even longer now for you.

I'm sorry I didn't say those words sooner.

The ones that brought happiness into my heart. True happiness that only you brought me. I didn't get that from my parents, living without it in boarding school, until you.

And I am so grateful you were in my life.

I would never have anything else except you.

Thanks for waiting.

Jeanie.

It is our annual game night. Fran and Jared, along with me and Travis decided to do a "double date" which could be said about Fran and Jared but not for me and Travis.

Cause we aren't dating. Not anymore.

Not for the past five weeks we haven't.

But Fran managed to convince me to come tonight. I didn't want to, but when Euchre was involved, I knew I couldn't say no.

Fran is ecstatic. After I had told her that Travis had proposed she was surprised I turned him down.

She, of course, is the ultimate romantic when it came to me and Travis, and she so badly wanted us to happen.

But I knew it wouldn't. I could not marry a man I did not love. And she knew that.

Fran and I are on a team, while the boys are on another. We are winning 7 to 3, but it won't take long for them to catch up. It is our fourth game, and so far we have almost won every single time but they came back and beat us.

I don't take losing too well when it comes to just the four of us. But I had managed to remain calm the whole time.

But since it is nearly twelve o'clock midnight, and this is our last game, we just had to win.

I won't accept anything otherwise.

Fran iis the same way.

We are also convinced the men are cheating.

"Pass," I say, knocking on the table, while Jared did the same. Fran glances at me, then turns to Travis.

"Pick it up," she says to him.

"No table talk," Jared says, elbowing Fran as Travis picks up the ten of clubs.

"I'm not!" She exclaims, smiling.

"Sure," he says as Travis looks at me.

"You start. Jeanie," he mutters, his eyes penetrating. I glance at my deck, trying not to return his stare.

I have a horrible deck. I only have the Ace of Clubs, which isn't bad, but all of my other cards are low.

I led with my highest. A queen. Of diamonds.

Jared groans and follows suit. Fran puts down the ace, and Travis drags out a nine.

I grin, sliding the deck over to my corner, "Only two more, Fran."

She grins back.

I go with my next highest. A nine of diamonds.

Jared trumps my card with a queen of clubs, sticking his tongue out at me. I return the favor.

Fran shoots down the king of clubs, and Jared glares at her.

Travis puts down a low spade.

Fran took that round. Only one more.

Then she leads with the left and the right of clubs, reigning in all the rest of Jared's clubs and Travis' high cards. I put down my ace along with a low card.

We win the next round too. Which meant two more points. We are at game point.

It's my turn to go next. I flip over the right of hearts. Jared groans and Fran highly fives me while Travis just shakes his head.

"So you wanna just stop now? Give us the victory since it's so obvious who's gonna win?"

Jared laughs.. "Yeah right Jeanie. We're gonna Euchre you. I pass," he says.

Fran smiles at me.. "Pick it up," she says.

I do, and take out a lower card that I have no use for and put the kitty away. Jared starts with an ace of spades, and Fran trumps him with a nine of hearts.

Travis follows suit, and I do as well.

Fran takes that round. Then she leads with an ace of clubs, and everyone follows suit until Jared trumps her with a ten of hearts.

They take that round.

He leads, starting with a diamond, and I end up beating him with the highest one. Then I lay down the right.

And it's over. We already won.

"Aw, I wanna rematch," Jared growls and me and Fran high five twice. It's about time we won.

Travis sits quietly in his seat, and I look at him. And he's staring at me, a kind smile on his face. I can't look away.

Until Fran calls my name, and I break off Travis' gaze, turning to my friend.

"Do you want a ride home? I know your mom dropped you off," she says, knowing my car was put in the shop two days ago.

"Sure," I say, gathering up her stuff.

"I can take her," Travis says, and we both turn.

"It's fine-" I say, but get cut off.

"No, I know you have to wake up the earliest tomorrow, Fran, so I can take her. You stay home and sleep. I'm closer anyway," he convinces her.

She nods.. "Thanks.." She gives my arm a squeeze, and I can't help but want to clasp onto her and tell her she can't leave me.

But she is already up the stairs. Jared has already left, so we head out. We climb into Travis' Jeep, and he starts the engine.

We talk the whole time. It isn't like I am uncomfortable, but I don't feel the conversation is comfortable. It is just... awkward.

I decided to talk about my new job, and what I have beenwas doing to pass the time. I describe it right until he parks in my driveway.

It's like the same place we were five weeks ago when I left him in the car after he proposed.

"So yeah. That's my job," I say, unbuckling myself.

But his eyes never leave mine.

There is that smile again like he is in a trance.

Except this time he says something.

"I love you," he says, loud and clear, without hesitance.

I feel all the air leave my chest. I grasp onto the door handle, trying to get a grip.

He blinks. And then I think he realizes what he said.

"I-I mean. I," he sighs, "I guess I can't take it back now. I love you. And I mean it."

I want to smile. And grin. And laugh.

But I can't. I am glued onto his lips that just said the thing I wanted a man to tell me someday. The one thing I have always wanted to hear from a man.

I didn't get it from my father. Nor from my stepfather.

And here he is. Travis. Telling me those exact words. With every ounce of love I knew he felt for me.

I'm sorry.

"I didn't mean to say that. Sorry," he says. "But now that it's out, I feel slightly better than having it cooped inside,"

I wish I could say the same.

"Jeanie." He takes my hand, rubbing it with his thumb, "I know it's only been 5 weeks, but I have to ask again. At least... ask for real."

He takes a deep breath.

And I don't have the heart to stop him.

"Will you marry me?"

I want the words to explode from me. The ones I know he wants to hear. The one I want myself to say.

But I can't. I want myself to, but will never let myself.

I feel a tear run down my cheek.

Travis' other hand wipes it away, and I break down in a sob.

He unbuckles himself, and I find him pulling me close to him into a hug. He holds me tight as I release the door handle, and cradle myself into his grasp.

He feels warm. And good. And strong. The things I respected and wanted.

Sometimes it scares me what he feels for me. What he feels for everyone. How he feels. Because he told me once that he feels very strongly for people. For anyone. He says it scares him how much he loves.

And I feel sad. Because I can't compare with what he feels for me. And it makes me hate myself because of how good of a man he is.

How good he is to me.

But I can't do it. Marry him.

Not now. But maybe...

I won't ever know.

Because right now I break from his grasp as I feel his lips kiss my cheek. I grasp for the door handle again.

"No. I can't," I whisper, and yank the car handle, letting myself out into the cold air. I slam the door shut, and run inside.

He drives away soon after.

And I fall to the ground, crying.