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"Look at me Emmy," Justin demands gently as he grabs my face in his hands and wipes away the tears that had fallen, "you are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid my eyes on, you're heart is so pure and you're intentions are nothing but good, I have never met anyone as amazing, strong, pure and so much more as you are. You don't deserve this, you deserve so much more, more than your father and definitely more than Aiden."

I look down at the bed, did Justin really think that highly of me? Did he really think that it was Aiden who didn't deserve me? Did he really think I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen? The emotions almost drown me with their intensity, there was no way that someone felt as highly about me as Justin just made it sound. For once I actually felt worthy.

My emotions skyrocket as I notice Justin lean in, maybe I could kiss him, maybe I could fall back in love with him, maybe everything could be different. I wasn't sure if it was the excessive amount of alcohol I had consumed finally kicking in or if it was because my emotions were running so high and after my father texted and made me feel worthless, it was Justin who made me feel worth something, but when Justin's familiar lips touch mine, I don't push him away like every nerve in my body begs me to.

His lips were soft and gentle, they were kind, they were so familiar and maybe that's the reason that I found myself responding. Maybe it was the fact that I knew nothing would ever happen between Aiden and me and I wanted more than anything to be in love with the guy who thought so highly of me, who had loved me for so long and who had continued loving me, who I knew still loved me.

I want to blame the alcohol and the high emotions but when I let Justin hover over me and take off his shirt, I know that subconsciously, it's because my father had made me feel like nothing once again and I wanted nothing more than to feel wanted. Maybe sex with someone who wanted me was what would make me feel better about myself, I mean it seemed to work for Aiden.

I was a good girl but Justin and I had had sex before so maybe doing something so familiar was exactly what I needed. Justin was the only one who I had ever slept with, he had been the only one who had seen me in my most vulnerable and made me feel wanted in so many ways, maybe that's exactly what I needed

The song by Meiko fades into the background as Justin kisses my face, maybe what I was doing was bad but for once I wanted, needed to feel desired and wanted, Aiden didn't want me, my father didn't, and who better than to do that than with the guy who had loved me for years, who had been my first everything and who treated me with so much respect and gentleness it was astounding that I no longer felt anything for him.

I needed this, I would probably regret this in the future but right now all I wanted was to feel something, to feel anything, to feel worth something.

***

Justin and I had finished about 10 minutes ago and as soon as I thought about what just happened, I regretted it. I didn't regret doing it with Justin but what I regretted was knowing that it meant something different to him than it did to me. I thought that I wanted to feel desired, to feel wanted, but right now I just felt like shit. Justin lay beside me, talking about our future and I didn't know how to tell him that I didn't want it, it wasn't right. No matter what I did, I was still in love with Aiden, I had moved on from Justin, probably before I even broke up with him but I was very aware that he had never moved on from me. Justin just wasn't it for me anymore and I hated myself because Justin was the sweetest guy I had ever met, and he actually adored me, unlike Aiden who wanted me for my body.

"So what do you think about that Emmy?" Justin smiles, referring to us moving in together at the end of the year when we left for college.

I sit up, wrapping the blanket around me to keep myself dignified and covered.

"Justin, I - I can't," I admit.

Justin's smile falters instantly; "why?" He questions, his voice breaking, and vulnerability seeping through every word.

I look down, not wanting to answer and after a few moments, Justin answers for me.

"Aiden."

I nod softly.

"I thought you said you were over him," Justin questions softly, his voice breaking once again.

"I love him, nothing I do will stop that and I understand that now," I whisper.

Justin looks down at the bed, "did you sleep with me just then to try and forget?"

I look at Justin and see the vulnerability in his eyes, "not at all Justin, my father made me feel worthless and I just wanted to feel wanted, I don't regret sleeping with you at all and it definitely wasn't because of Aiden."

Justin nods sadly, "I think it's time for me to give up."

I look at him, trying to decipher what he means.

"I mean that I think it's time for me to stop trying to win you, I'll always be here for you but this is killing me, I'm so in love with you Em, and every time you reject me, or talk about Aiden, or even worse when you don't reject me makes me feel like absolute shit because I know that you'll never feel that way about me again," Justin admits.

I nod at him sadly, "I'm so sorry Justin, you're the one who made me feel again after Maddi passed and I'll always be in debt to you, you were my first love and the best guy I know and I wish I still felt something for you or that there was even a chance I would again, but I'd be lying to you if I said that."

"I know, and I forgive you. I hope Aiden turns out to be a better guy than I think he is," Justin smiles sadly.

I smile back at him before climbing off the bed, taking the sheet with me. I pick up my clothes that are all discarded on the floor and enter the connected bathroom with my gold bag where I was so thankful that I had thought to bring some touch-up makeup.

I put my clothes back on and fix my makeup as best I can, 10 minutes later I'm ready to go. I walk outside to see Justin fully dressed and on his phone. I smile at him and he smiles back but the smile doesn't reach his eyes.

"Ready to go?" I ask.

"Not really because the second we leave this room I know I have to stop trying to win you back," Justin admits.

I smile at him sadly, not knowing what else to do or say; "I'm so sorry Justin."

Justin nods at me, smiling. He grabs my hand and we walk to the door together, our hands connected. I let Justin hold my hand because I know it brings him comfort and that he would let go as soon as we left the room.

Justin sighs to himself before opening the door and we step outside together, only to see Aiden and Toby sitting on the steps. They turn to look as they hear the noise and I actually want to run away and hide when I know how obvious what Justin and I just shared was.

"Mills?" Toby questions, shock lacing his words.

I turn away from him and quickly walk the other way and to the other stairs that I knew were just around the corner.

"Emily!!" Aiden yells but I ignore him and keep going. I hear his voice follow and I instantly know that he and Toby were chasing after us. I pull Justin's hand even further and jog down the stairs, the first place I think to go is the courtyard and I'm grateful once I get there, it seemed like everyone was here, sitting around the fires, hopefully Aiden wouldn't make a scene in front of all these people.

Boy was I wrong...

"Stop fucking ignoring me Emily!!" I hear Aiden's angry voice follow me out. Everyone stops what they're doing and I feel hundreds of eyes on me.

I turn around to face a fuming Aiden, a Toby stumbling behind him, obviously still in shock. Aiden's eyes glare at mine and Justin's connected hands and I instantly let go even though I had no reason to, I owed Aiden nothing. I had no clue why I felt guilty, why I felt like I had betrayed Aiden when he had slept with countless girls in the past few weeks.

I stare at Aiden, he stares back, fuming. I'm speechless, maybe it was because I had so many pairs of eyes on me or maybe it was because I was weak, but I was at loss for words. He had seen me, he knew exactly what Justin and I had just done.

Aiden waits for me to speak and when I don't, he chuckles sarcastically, shaking his head; "you know Emily, there are a lot of things that you are, but I never knew that you were easy."

I hear gasps coming from the audience and I see Toby flinch at the word, it only hits me then what exactly it was that Aiden was saying; he was calling me whore.

An anger I have never experienced bubbles up inside of me and suddenly it explodes; "you have got to be fucking kidding me. You're implying that I'M the whore. I have slept with 1 person in my life and you know, maybe we did just have sex again after almost a year of being apart but that does not make me a whore. A whore is someone who fucks everyone and if one of us a whore, it's not me."

Aiden stares at me for a minute before replying, the fuming anger I had never before experienced matching his; "I never claimed that I was anything else, you're the one who's been giving me mixed signals, making me fall in love with you and then changing your fucking mind, then you go and sleep with your ex!! That's a new low Emily."

The anger somehow gets worse, subconsciously I hear his whole sentence but consciously all I hear is him blaming everything on me, telling me I'm the one giving mixed signals and demeaning me because I slept with MY ex?!

In my anger I stride closer to him, it somehow only intensifying, "I'm the one giving mixed signals?! ME?! You're a fucking prick Aiden, you're the one who slept with your ex after you kissed me, after you promised me that this, you and I, was different, actually meaningful. I trusted you, you told me I could trust you, and then the next day you went and slept with your ex instead of meeting up with me like we had planned." Somehow my anger turns into desperation, tears fall freely from my eyes as I recount what happened. I hear people mumbling to each other but I block it out. I know that Katherine was amongst the crowd formed around us but I can't find it in myself to feel bad for putting her on the spot.

Aiden is quiet for a while, he looks guilty and at loss for words, "It is different, I mean, was different. Katherine and I didn't even -"

I cut him off, not wanting to hear anymore and the anger returns as intensely as it was before; "Didn't what Aiden? Sleep with her? I saw you!! The day after you and I kissed and you told me that I could trust you!! I saw you!!!"

"No-" Aiden starts but I once again cut him off.

"Are you really going to stand there and deny what I saw? Are you really trying to tell me that you and Katherine haven't slept together while she's been back?" I continue yelling, this time it was angry tears that were falling freely down my face.

"You didn't see-" Aiden begins again, but I don't let him finish.

"I didn't see you guys fucking? The blind was open and I saw everything!! Answer the question, are you seriously telling me that you and Katherine haven't slept together since she's been back?" I respond angrily, why was he still pretending!?

Aiden doesn't reply, instead, he looks down at the ground guiltily.

A single dark chuckle leaves my throat; "Exactly. Don't try to lie to me next time. I know what I saw."

"Emily, you're not fucking listening to me!!" Aiden yells, the frustration evident in his voice.

"Why would I listen to you? You fucked me over big time and you're still trying to now!! I've heard enough bullshit from you, I'm so done with you. You're nothing but a player who tried to use me and then when it didn't work, your ego was bruised so you kept trying!! I hate you, I hate who you are, I hate what you stand for, I hate how you make me feel, I hate you!! Just leave me alone!!" I yell, tears still falling as my emotions explode, I think you could compare me to a bomb right now and I would be the more dangerous one.

No one talks, no one even moves as I take a few steps backward from him before turning on my heel and walking quickly into the darkness, my head held high. I would not allow myself to break in front of half of the senior class, I would not show Aiden that as much as I wanted to, I didn't actually hate him. I didn't want him to see the hold that he had over me.

As soon as I'm out of eyeshot and earshot from everyone, the tears fall more rapidly. I wipe them away, I shouldn't be crying over him, he didn't deserve it.

I keep walking, not knowing exactly where I was even going, I just wanted to go away.

I walk further until suddenly something catches my eye, Dale and Miles were sitting by the large pond on my aunties property laughing together, they sat close together but that wasn't what caught my eye, what caught my eye was the connected hands in between them and the way that Miles stared at Dale, it reminded me of the way that Miles used to stare at Maddi.

"Miles?" I question instinctively, their heads shoot up to meet mine so quickly that I half expected them to fall of their heads. Just as quickly as their gazes meet mine, they pull away from each other so they were no longer holding hands.

"Emily? I can explain-" Dale begins to rush out but Miles cuts him off.

"Dale and I are dating."