Two days have passed since Robin's disappearance, ten days for Vance. It was like counting down the time before the police release to the public that five bodies have been found. What I told Finny about not finding evidence of death means they continued to live but I started doubting myself of my own words. I guess you could classify me as depressed but as all people say, who isn't depressed these days. Well it's a true statement but it's so much worse. The pain didn't just hurt mentally but it hurt physically. Sometimes I wouldn't even want to get out of bed like in mornings.

The only reason why I was going to school was for Finny, at this point I didn't even care about my grades and my A's turned into B's and C's. All my teachers took pity on me and gave me a passing grade. I quit cheer leading, I realized I only ever really did it was to look good. Not anymore, Vance made me realize that people actually don't care and the people that do fuss are really just insecure about themselves. I was shocked when I heard him tell me that because I never thought Vance would be giving advice that actually didn't include violence.

Cutting to the present I was at work, behind the counter. My hair was down, I've gotten acne a bit from all the stress which I'm trying my best to take more care of myself. I've gone from eating food as a coping mechanism to not eating at all, I went back and fourth, back and fourth, back and forth. Instead of taking care of myself, all my time was put into praying and thinking about Vance and Robin.

My dad had taken the shift as he saw me starting at Pinball machine. He explained that he didn't want me to start crying because it would break his heart. Before I left, I stood in front of the pinball machine and remembered the time Vance had cheered me up from Bruce's disappearance by teaching me to play pinball. I took a few quarters from my purse and started playing. I remember the feeling of him guiding my hands on the machine as he stood close behind me paying close attention to how I was playing. Half me wondered if he ever paid close attention to me like he did this stupid game.

The more I played the better I did. It didn't take long for me to get a score of ten thousand. After that I couldn't play no more remembering Vance and his stupid beautiful face. I basically ran out of the place, walking home it was that same black van I saw the other time. It was like a magic business. I shivered getting that gut feeling, now running my way home. I always felt a sharp pain whenever I saw that van, it gave me the creeps.

I ended up eating a granola bar then heading to my room, I laid down on the bed face flat. I groaned turning over on my back and looking at the ceiling. My room was pretty basic, my favorite vinyls hung up on the wall as a twin sized bed mattress with a white bed set. Record player on a desk for homework with a lamp on it. Basic teen room, I knew if I were to try to take a nap I'd wake up in a cold sweat. It was that stupid nightmare about the same thing over and over. Finding Vance but instead I find his dead body including the others and now Robin was added in this nightmare.

Tired of just sitting around, I got up basically storming to my bike and just took off. What neighborhood did I not check. I've basically went through all the neighborhoods in Denver. I silently cried as I rode my bike just trying to find something. Riding for a while until I ended up at the church, chaining my bike to the bike rack and walking inside. I sat down in the front row of the church.

"Please dear lord, may you bless Griffin, Billy, Bruce, Vance, and Robin with good health and that they are safe. I hope you can watch over them and make sure they return soon because I don't know how much longer I can last before going crazy myself. I promise to attend church and pray everyday before going to bed if you send a type of signal of where they are. Thank you Lord, Amen." I said mumbling. I was tearful at this moment. Please Lord send me something to let me know they are ok or that they escape.

"That was beautiful." I turned around to see the pastor. I gulped as well I've never really come in contact with the pastor here or the priest.

"Thank you." I said collecting myself. Making sure I looked a little bit more I guess presentable.

"I'm sure God is taking care of them right now. Even if it doesn't seem like it." The pastor continued and I nodded. I don't know why but I felt really nervous in front of him.

"I can only hope for their safety and return pastor, but it's just so hard to not think the worse of what could happen." He was a pastor so that meant I could talk to him? I don't really know how this religious stuff works yet but I've just been praying so far.

Now sitting down next to me. "Lets talk." The pastor said smiling as he comforted me. He really did mean it, I talked to him about everything about how I was losing motivation to do my daily things. School and just everything, he listened and looked like he was actually paying attention.

The pastor had said some prayers for me and then sent me on my way because he didn't want me walking home in the dark. I felt so much better and it was the first time I actually didn't think about Vance or Robin but as I walked out of the church getting onto my bike, I just started thinking about them again. It got to the point where I'd lose focus and almost fall off my bike.

Riding home quickly wanting to see if my mom had come back. She was gone for ten days, she's never gone that long without coming home but the days she was gone was peaceful. Every time I stepped out of my room I didn't feel a pitiful glare at the back of my head and alcohol bottles weren't piled up anymore. Realizing what my dad said, even if you don't like her as much, she's your mother and you'll always love her. I finally understood what he meant. My mom wasn't the greatest and believe it or not under that defensive layer she loved me deep down.

Damn. What's happening to me, earlier this week I was about to fall apart but now I feel like I can put myself back together. Did I still feel guilty about being the reason Vance disappeared though, the answer is yes but I can't change the past. So I pray that in the future Vance plus all the other boys escape. Amen.