"Do you mind if we stay with you guys?" Hotch asked your mom.

"Of course come right in." You moved for your team to walk into your childhood home. You looked around as they all plopped down on the couch.

"Where's Rossi?" You asked.

"He had a family thing, had to go back home," JJ said and took her hair out of her ponytail. You nodded and walked back to the kitchen. You saw Hotch talking with your mother.

"Thank you again for letting us stay."

"Oh don't be silly." Your mom said and put her hand on his arm. It was weird seeing the two interact. Your two worlds were colliding.

"I'll go get the air mattress." You turned to the basement door feeling both their eyes on you. The basement was pitch black and your mother hadn't changed the light bulb. You pull out your phone and start searching for the mattress. The basement was a mess of old boxes full of who knows what scared everywhere. You look up at the self in front of you. The box read camping stuff. If it wasn't in there you were shit outta luck. You started to climb the plastic shelf cause there was nothing else to stand on. You made it to the top and tried to grab the box but you felt someone's hand on your sides pulling you down.

"What the hell are you doing?" Hotch said and pulled you down.

"Getting the box what does it look like." You raised your eyebrows.

"You could've fallen and no one would've been here to help." Hotch started to grab the box.

"You guys are right upstairs you would've heard me fall."

"Well everyone's a bit distracted so probably not." You give him a confused look.

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, your mother pulled out photo albums." He said and placed the box on the ground.

"Of course she did." You bent down to look through the box.

"You were a cute baby for what it's worth." The side of his mouth was pulled up.

"Thanks." You through one mattress on the floor and looked for the other among the other boxes. You sigh and turn around a little too fast. You bump into Hotch. You placed your hand on his chest. The smell of his cologne lingered. He wasn't wearing a tie. He wasn't as fit as Derek was but you didn't care. You felt his hand wrap around your waist. Your hand moved up his neck. You let out a slow breath you didn't know you had been holding. Your face was only a few inches away. You could feel his breath he was so close. Your thumb brushed across his jawline.

"You guys ok down there!?" Your mom yelled down the stairs. Neither one of you guys moved. You looked up. His pupils were so dilated his eyes looked black.

"Hello?" She called out again.

"Yeah we're good, I just can't find the other mattress." You said still looking in his eyes.

"I think it's up here." She said. You heard her footsteps fade away. You pulled your hand back but Hotch hasn't moved.

"We have to go back upstairs." You placed your hand on his not wanting to move it yet.

"I know." His hand moved further down until there wasn't anymore contact. You took a moment to compose yourself before moving to grab the mattress. You walked up the stairs. The rest of the team was left on the couch flipping through the pictures.

"I told you it was up here." Your mom said and put the mattress next to the other one.

"Y/N. You were so cute when you were a baby. What happened?" Morgan asked. You punched his arm.

"At least I could maintain my hair." You laughed remembering the pictures Derek's mom had shown the team. You both had similar hair types. Well, when he had hair.

~~~~~

After having some more laughs and looked through more embarrassing pictures of you. Your mom told some embarrassing stories. You had to stop her before she said something you could never go back from. You figured out that the guys were gonna stay downstairs while you, Emily and JJ stayed in your old room.

You turn over to grab your phone. The bright screen lit up and read 2:52 am. You put it back down and shut your eyes. There was heavy snores come from the floor. You look over and see Emily, she was on her back. You knew that people were more inclined to start snoring when they were on their back. You get off your bed and stood over her.

"Why do you snore?" You asked. She was dead asleep and there was no way she heard you. You grip her shoulders and pushed her to her side. You made sure she wasn't gonna roll over again. You look next to her and haven't seen JJ. You walked out of your room and saw the bathroom light on. The door opened and JJ walked through.

"Oh shit!" She whispered. "You scared the shit outta me." You smile still exhausted.

"Sorry." You scratched your head. "Did you know Emily snored?"

"Yup, you didn't know?" JJ asked back.

"No I never ended up sharing a room with her. Even when we were at Penelope's she was always in a different room."

"Well I'm used to it so, welcome to the club." JJ said and patted your shoulder. There was no way you could sleep now. When you went downstairs you passed the boys fast asleep. Reid was curled up in a ball on the couch and Morgan was spread out on the bed. Where was Hotch? You didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it. You walk over to the fridge and grab a bottle of water. You stood in the kitchen while your mind ran miles.

"Fuck it." You said to yourself and walked over to the drawer that had random things in it. You pull out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. This wasn't an everyday thing that you did. Only when things were bad.

You walked out into the backyard and stood by the railing. You light your cigarette and stare out into the pitch black yard.

"Smoking kills you know." His voice as deeper then usual.Raspy. It made your legs tremble a little.

"I'm well aware." You said and blew out the smoke.

"You have full usage of both sides of your brain you should know." You took a few steps closer to you.

"Why are you awake?" You asked not looking to see him.

"Morgan and Reid move a lot when they sleep." You nodded your head. "Why are you awake?" He asked back.

"Emily snores." You smile to yourself.

"Yeah I forgot to warn you about that." Was he joking with you. Did Aaron Hotchner just try to be funny.

"Apparently I'm the only one who didn't know."

"You still got a lot to find out."

"About the world, no I got all that up here." You pointed to your head. "About this team. I still got a long way to go." Before you had a chance to put the cigarette back in your mouth Hotch took it.

"I won't let my agents smoke." He said and put it out.

"Well you'll need to have a very long conversation with Emily and I then."

"I'll remember that." He reached over to take the box and lighter out of your hand.

"Since when did you start smoking, for the whole year you've been with us I haven't seen it."

"That cause I don't it around you." You pointed out the obvious. His face didn't change. "Only when I'm stressed or there's a lot going on." You gave him the answer he really wanted.

"And what's going on?" You thought about if you should tell him what had been going on for the past year or what was going on right now.

"This case." You chose. "I can't help but think if I hadn't graduated when I did or left when I did, I could've been one of these victims. If I had stayed to finish my doctorate maybe I wouldn't be here." There was more you wanted to say but nothing they wouldn't raise any red flags.

"Well it's a good thing you left when you did."

"Is it though." Those 3 little words change the whole mood.

"What do you mean." Hotch slid into profiler mode.

"Never mind." You said and tried to walk past him but he grabbed your arm.

"What do you mean." You repeated.

"Hotch it's nothing, just forget about it." You tried to escape his grip but he wasn't budging.

"What happened when you were younger?"

"Can you drop it."

"Was is being the youngest in school? Never fitting in? Always being the outcast?" He was trying to push your button and we was getting there. "Having to figure things out for yourself? It just being you and your mom?" Your face twitch and he knew he struck a chord. "Was it your dad leaving?"

"Can you stop, please." You begged. Tear were falling down your face.

"I'll stop when you tell me what happened." You eyes didn't leave his. "Did you get into trouble? Got arrested?" He wasn't gonna stop and you knew that.

"When my dad left he made it clear that he couldn't handle being with me and my mom anymore. He just left. Just like that. Like he didn't watch me grow up. Like him and my mom didn't know each other since they were in high school. He made it clear he didn't care about me. He made it clear he didn't wanna stick around for the rest of my life. So what was the point of living." Hotch's face filled with emotion. Your eyes show how hurt you really were.

"Y/N." His voice was soft. His grip on you wasn't as strong as before.

"A week after he left, I came home from the police station. I had a bad day. A bad week. I got into more trouble that week then I had my entire time in school. I got suspended for beating a girls ass. She had to get banged up so I was in the police station. They knew what was going on so they let me go after they talked to my mom." You take a deep breath before continuing. "I knew I had about an hour till my mom got home. So I went into the bathroom and found an opened bladed. I don't know why it was there. I had already figured how deep I was gonna have to cut before my body didn't have enough blood in it. I sat there for 20 minutes before I passed out. All I remember was waking up in the hospital."

"How come I didn't know this?" Hotch asked.

"Because I didn't want people to look at me differently."

"No one gonna look at you differently."

"Really?" You pull up your sleeves to reveal the much faded scar. It has been 10 years but you could still it. "This doesn't make you look at me differently." His eyes feel to your scars. Speechless.

"Y/N." It wasn't him. You pier over Hotch's shoulder to see JJ stand at the door.

"How long have you been standing there?" You ask covering your arms back up.

"Long enough." JJ walked over to the both of you. "Why'd you hide it."

"I didn't want people to view me as weak..." The other thing you couldn't possibly say out loud.

"There's something else." JJ face scanned yours.

"I just didn't want people to see me as less than." You made something up hoping it would pass.

"That's not it." Hotch said. You face feel and you looked back at JJ

"I knew about your sister and what happened." You wiped a tear away. "I didn't want to be the reason you didn't smile at work anymore." There were no words. JJ pulled you into a hug. You started sobbing in her arms.

"I'm sorry." You whispered.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, you hear me. Nothing." She held your head like she did with her son. "I'm just happy your still with us." You didn't know what else to say. You had tried your hardest to keep it from everyone. Hotch wanted to be the one to hold you. He wanted to be the only one that could get you to stop crying. He waged to hold you in his arms and never let you go.

He urged both you guys to go to bed. There was only 2 more hits before you had to get up. You laid wide awake. Staring at the ceiling. There was still so many other things they didn't know. You hated hiding things from them but it would make them look at you differently, and from the conversation you had earlier that was the last thing you wanted. At some point of your mind running wild your eyes started to close until you were fast sleep.

~~~~~

You woke to the sound of Emily's alarm blaring. You look over and JJ wasn't there. You didn't know if she was ever gonna be able to look at you again. You make your way downstairs to start a very large pot of coffee. Your met with the confused faces of JJ and Hotch. You pushed your way through the both of them. You start filling up the coffee filter and the water. You put your hands on the counter. You could feel their eyes on you.

"What happened last night stays between us." You stared at the coffee pot.

"I wouldn't have in any other way." JJ said.

"Thank you." You turn to grab all the cups you were gonna need. You heard them walk away.

You had been on the team long enough to know how they all took their coffee. You fix all them and pass them out. As everyone got there morning jolt you went upstairs to finally have a moment yourself. Everything that happened last night felt like a dream. There was a knock at the door.

"Yeah?" You asked and Emily walked through the door.

"Are you ok?" She asked back.

"I'm fine, why do you ask?"

"Cause last night and right now you seemed a little off."

"What is with you guys and not taking the first answer I give." You were getting annoyed at he wrong person.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Emily said and started to walk out.

"Emily wait." She stopped in her tracks and turned around. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be blowing up on you."

"It's ok, I just wanted to make sure everything was alright."

"I'm fine I promise." Everyone knew when you promised something you truly meant it.

"Ok well you know I'm here if you ever need to talk." She rubbed your shoulder and walked out of the room. You had people yet you still didn't trust anyone.