Now back to my own company I ponder over the same question, the same person I have done for too long. We all know his name, the apparent feelings he has for me yet I still question myself. It's been six months since I saw him last, we were both vulnerable, bruised and hurt from that accident.

Since then I nearly kissed Dan, someone I wasn't sure about. Why didn't I kiss him? If you know then you know. Zoe's words repeat in my mind as I walk along various shops as others pass me with a sense of urgency whilst I radiate confusion. I could see him, try to meet up with him. Maybe this'll be it, maybe within the next few hours I will have my questions answered and I'll know for certain how I feel.

Walking in silence I zone out the buzz of the city, the life that circulates through all of these people with expressionless faces reflecting my own. We all feel differently, but we look the same here. Once we are allowed to sit down, to have a moments peace or privacy then we can be more expressive, actually, display human emotion rather than act as if we have sunglasses covering our eyes permanently.

My mind wanders back to the first time I met him, a small smirk crosses my face thinking of that day and how different things were then. It was a simpler time, my biggest worry being work and how my then co-worker would handle things without me, whether or not he'd call me back on that date. The date that coincidentally never happened, since he left. I wanted to visit Joe, it was all too last minute and I was so unknown to the London setting, to navigating my way around with ease like I can do now.

I was meant to be at some cafe, he told me it was just down the road from his. But someone spilt their coffee all over my new white top, how typical and cliche it all seems, right? I walked to his place, let myself in and took a shower whilst he was out. Then as I got out of the shower in a dressing gown and towel dried hair I heard the video he was editing play, the one we filmed last time I was here where I featured for all of 30 seconds of unused footage. Peeping my head out of the bathroom I could see him, the unfamiliar tall blond watching the video, I spoke up and we made brief eye contact. And then in suited Caspar fashion, as I soon learnt, he fell to the ground hurting his ankle.

We spent some time together, he thought I was Joe's girlfriend. I got to know a bit about him in private, I borrowed his top, one I think I still have somewhere buried in amongst my things. Spending that short time with him, it felt different. That first connection, the first time I hugged him out of kindness wasn't normal, no one had ever held me so gently in fear of crushing me.

The next time was a fluke, one I wish I could remember more of. I was nervous, I tried to hide my sweaty palms and blame it on being the heat of the summer, well the few days of summer weather that is. We went by the seaside in Brighton, I was living with Zoe at the time and he came to visit to film, but I secretly wished it was to spend time with me. I had recently broken up with Miles, an ex of Zoe's though she never knew, never will. Caspar was the company I needed, he had no clue but he got me out of a rough patch of hatred towards all men, except Caspar.

Our next meeting is the one that started all of this mess. The club, the beginnings of Varjack and Darkbloom. If only we knew the monstrosity that could've caused, could've led to. It was a messy night of bad dancing and coloured drinks that occasionally matched his eyes. There was a lot of underlying pain that he didn't know about, that I was unsure of along with the sweet cocktail of negligently on Alfie's behalf.

Since then I feared our time together but at the same time craving it. Having him visit me, spending time together as he sat in my room where few had ever been or seen. It was the first time I truly let myself become vulnerable around him, I allowed myself to cry and mutter the truth about the Alfie situation. If only I knew he was in on it all, it could've saved me a lot of trouble, a lot of unnecessary heart ache.

The rest blurs together as I shiver, waiting like everyone else for the next tube to Picadilly Circus. I watch those around me as I blink back the tears, tired of thinking about the past and about what had happened between us, what it all could mean. To my left, I hear laughs. I turn my head and see a couple walk my way, hand in hand as they wear genuine smiles. Blinking I can picture us like that, a version of us that might be or might have been before this all happened. Then again, I don't know what happened the night of the accident, he claims something happened, but my mind was too swamped then to know.

Getting on the tube my eyes immediately pick out the couples, those old and young, but focusing on those elderly. I stand by the doors, looking through the glass that is to my right as they sit. He is reading a newspaper as she nudges him to share it. I can't hide the small smile at the sight of them, so content in an environment where a feeling of bliss is a rarity, yet there they are; in their own little world, a bubble of their own.

I used to think my room was a bubble, that the lavender on my walls was protecting me from the bad. But I let him into it, he analysed it, he held me tightly and kissed my forehead, yet I never responded. Instead I played him like a puppet attached to strings in the same way he manipulated me. Part of me wanted him to feel the pain, feel the regret sink in, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't fully commit to that version of myself.

Closing my eyes I try to shut out all the sounds around me, to ignore the conversations that tower over each other no matter how intriguing, the screeching of the wheels against the tracks and the stench that never leaves the carriages. I kept them closed and tried to think of him, of what I wore that night, what happened before it all became a complete blur to my mind and left me with physical scars.

A laugh sounds faintly in my mind, the blurry streetlamps and the poorly lit street is getting clearer, but I can't lose my concentration now. In front of me, I watch as the focus shifts, I zone in on a tall figure swaying from side to side, dancing poorly. He's impersonating me, the dancing I tried to do from that night at that club in London. Smiling to myself he turns around, the emotion pure in his eyes as his smile resembles mine, his hands reaching towards me and he pulls back quickly.

"Oh, you're freezing!" He mumbles to me and takes his jacket off. I watch as he motions for me to turn and I comply, I feel my arms slip into the silk-like material against my goosebump ridden arms.

Walking alongside him it feels comfortable, the pieces slowly form again as the conversation plays in my mind. The way the corner of his mouth rises slightly, but he drops it not wanting me to see it. We stop after talking momentarily, he stands in front of me taking my hands in his. I can feel the warmth from them, the heat radiating from his palms into my fingertips. "What're you thinking." I hear myself say as he looks away, his eyes refusing to meet mine as he admires the view, the sweet lights wrapped around restaurants and those laughing inside.

His head drops and his eyes are on mine. I can't help but feel my cheeks burn despite the cold trying to desperately pick at them. "I'm thinking that you aren't alone," This time both corners rise into a smile, one heartwarming and sincere. I can feel myself smile, the dormant butterflies picking themselves up and fluttering after all this time. "that I don't want you to feel alone anymore and hell maybe it is the alcohol talking but I mean every word." Carefully I watch his hands unclasp mine, his left-hand reaches up to untuck the outgrown fringe I keep behind my ear, his icy fingertips brushing my cheek.

I watch his other hand intertwines with mine, words leave my mind, they simply fly away like the butterflies in my stomach. "I, I," Unable to stop myself I stutter repeatedly, the words I want to say, the ones I've been meaning to tell him after all this time refuse to form. His eyes shift from mine to my lips, I can see the hesitation, the cautiousness and need for approval in his green eyes. "I don't want to be alone anymore." It was the seal that gave him the approval he longed for. The approval I had been craving, that I knew I wanted all along.

His eyes close and he lowers his head towards mine, I take my hand from his and place both around his shoulders, standing on my tiptoes. I can feel his breath warm on my lips-

"Miss?" Sharply inhaling I open my eyes, looking around at where I was. The woman next to me looking at me oddly, holding her hand close to her chest with a raised eyebrow. "I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

Clearing my throat I try to suppress the tears that I can feel rising, the emotions that I have shunned down for far too long. "Erm," Sniffing involuntarily I swallow the lump growing in my throat. "what stop is this?" I watch her lips as they move, but I can't hear anything. Instead, I simply thank her and stand up, walking over to the doors waiting for the next stop wherever it may be.

Around me all I can see is him, I can only hear his words, those forgotten from that night. I lower my head as a tear falls to the floor, probably one of many this carriage has seen over the years. My heartache simply adds to the growing pile.

it's been a stupdily long time, and every single time I apologise for it. but this time I won't, as I don't know when you're reading this. maybe you've binge read this much like I used to do, or maybe you've been waiting for this update and if so I hope it's been worth the wait. I just wanted to leave a short message, I try and avoid these now, but it's a few things I want to say. firstly, I have a single chapter left now, one. after a ridiculously long time and a story line that has made many, including myself confused at time I don't want this to be a book with no conclusion. secondly, thank you for reading, and helping me get this story that was simply something I started as a side project to almost 30K. it blows my mind, and you deserve better in terms of updates, but just hold in there a little bit longer, it's almost over now.

so this is the last chapter, this is it. she meets him. they talk about the old times they've had together. she asks him how he feels about her, and he tells her everything, every emotion. she struggles to tell him so she just kisses him, unsure what else to do before apologizing. she walks off, heading towards the train station and he follows her. they shout in the streets, she is so in love with him she can't process it. all she does is say sorry as she cries, she gets into a taxi and goes to the station, it should end as she is glancing back seeing him stand still, utterly defeated. then we have the epilogue.