Driving outside of my boundaries felt liberating, it had been too long since I had seen more than the vintage shops of my hometown. For months I was living the life of a teenager trapped in an adult's body full of new responsibilities and enclosed in vulnerability. Now I could be expressive, actually laugh wholeheartedly without my parents fearing my mental state and stability. On the road I could be me, I could think and not have a second opinion overriding the original thought. Here I can reflect what I'm about to do, about the surprises I will be conducting and to those who might not even remember me from almost a year ago.

I knew who the first stop would be, it was just a matter of getting there that was an issue. Pulling into a service station I take a rest stop and plan it out, making it less spontaneous. Going through my messages we spoke only a few weeks ago, see he didn't give up on me so easily and wanted to be there for my recovery period, even if he couldn't physically be there for me like he was last time.

My mind drifts back to when I saw him, how dazed I was as I clutched my cheek as blood stained my fingers and gripped to friction ridges on my fingertips. He was the care and support I needed in that moment with the right amount of stability. I was falling apart and he was there to just slowly put some of the pieces back together whilst the rest were hanging by my ankles. He stopped me from screaming and crying all night long as he held me in his arms, listening to my whimpers. No one has done that, been that kind having known me for a matter of months completely. Already I can see him, I can picture his sweet smile and the selflessness etched in the darkness of his brown eyes.

Sending him I text I wait for him to respond, which doesn't take too long. Once he has given me the all clear we arrange to meet at his, he will meet me at the station and then we can have a private chat before going back to his and Phil's flat. Leaving the service station I drove alongside the never ending amount of cars, it reminds me of growing up and going on holidays to Brighton. Mum and Dad drove along as we all sat in the back, sometimes I had to endure sitting in the middle, but when I was lucky enough to I got the window seat. Sitting by the window meant I could see everything, I was able to see others in cars, unsure what they were saying, arguing or laughing about. When it was dark I could see my reflection, wonder what the future would hold for us as my siblings slept soundly to the sound of the radio breaking up or playing classical music in the early hours of the morning.

Yet now it's just me, only me driving along with no one to laugh with. The only company I have is the radio since the voices are gone, since there is only me in my head. Something I'm still trying to get used to, but my therapist said the best thing to do is distract myself, listen to music, have a podcast or an audio book on. She said it was a way for my mind to think that there is more than one person talking at once, it prevents me having singular bad thoughts that are all solely me, it helps me avoid spiralling.

Nearing the station it felt all too familiar, yet this time my cheek is not throbbing and blood is not clinging to my flesh. Zoe doesn't hate me, she just hates herself for letting it happen- all of it. As I get my ticket and take a seat I run my fingertips over my locket, something that has become a nervous habit. I like to think they're watching over me, guiding me silently in life despite the fact that I never truly knew my birth parents in these last few months I've felt like I have known them my whole life. I've been able to read all about them in the case that Peter gave me. They got married in Rome, they travelled everywhere leaving postcards that were never sent tattered, but I got to read their stories, all about their marriage. They left everything for us without even realising. It feels as if I've been reborn, that Alison Sugg has been wiped and in her place is Alison Mitchell-Sugg, a mentally stable person who is ready to start this new life at 22.

Once the train arrives I glance around, seeing if I can spot a looming giant over everyone else. As I get past the rush of those getting to work or wish to part from the claustrophobic place I see him, head down on his phone unaware of his surroundings. Walking over to him I simply stand next to him, pulling my phone out and sending him a message letting him know I'm here. After a minute he looks around and then glances my way, still not fully registering it's me. "Seriously?" I speak up as I nudge his arm, only then does he snap out of his fixation with his phone and notice me.

Facing he I could see the dimples forming and his dark eyes filling with life. "Ali, you look different." Different can often be perceived in various ways, sometimes as a negative, but based on the way he is looking at me with such life I am taking it as a positive.

"That's what happens when you take a break from well," Pausing he picks up my bag for me, "life." I laugh, actually laugh quietly to myself and he joins in before giving me a tight hug. Except this time it is my turn to take a while to respond, to register someone else other than the few people I had been interacting with on a daily basis for a third of the year. Placing my arms around him I smiled to myself, everything was feeling secure, nothing was sending me over the edge.

We both walk out of the station and into a taxi, the elephant still looms about the last time we were together. I simply told him we would be friends, that I needed a friend. Yet the way we've been talking for the last few months is giving me a different impression of Dan, how he sits in the car exchanging small talk with the driver whilst his hand rests on my leg as I lean against him.

'If you know, then you know.'

Zoe's words still echo, even now. I know about Caspar, I'm set on that. But I never got the chance to even think about that with Dan, if Caspar was out of the equation, what could be? "So what're you two love birds up to?" Snapping out of my gaze I simply looked to Dan with wide eyes, to which he reciprocated and could not fathom words at the drivers question.

Instead of dismissing the idea and shunning the driver down I decided to have a little fun whilst Dan remains tongue tied. "We just got back from my families house, went down for a few days to celebrate my pregnancy." I knew the driver couldn't see me rubbing my stomach, but Dan was looking at me like he had just been told he was actually a father to be.

"Oh, congrats." The driver commented with little enthusiasm.

Exchanging a silent conversation with Dan he cleared his throat. "Yeah, her parents are keen for us to move away from the city, settle in the countryside." I giggle to myself, seeing how he is now holding my hand tightly, yet I'm unsure if this is part of the facade. "I'm just not sure, I want to raise little," He pauses as I can see him trying to think of a name, "Phillip," Covering my mouth I hide my head in my knees as my shoulders shake from laughter, glancing over I can see him trying his hardest to keep a straight face. "in the city, have him be a smart alec."

Dan and the driver exchange some Fatherly advice which is cut off all too soon as we pull up outside the apartment block. "Take care you too, and best of luck with Phillip." Dan keeps a hold of my hand as the driver departs, and once out of sight I'm unable to stop the laughs erupting.

"What possessed you?" He asks in between chuckles as I clutch my stomach, my hand slipping out of his.

"What possessed me? What about you? Phillip?" I raise an eyebrow to him as I straighten up, letting out a deep breath to calm myself down. "This feels better." Motioning to here, rather than being at home still.

Dan dials back his laughs, calming down as we head towards the building. "How has everything been since we last spoke?" I knew he was curious, he was so caring in the messages, but I was restrictive with what I told him, with what I told anyone besides those in my close circle.

Initially I could not get out of bed, I simply didn't move from the four walls filled with memories of my childhood- the good and bad aspects. It was only after a few weeks of silence, of my Mum bringing me meals to eat and making me eat them that I started to function again, I slowly got out of my bed. After that I was weak, but willing to get better. When I had been home for two months I was stable enough to get a job at the cafe, simply cleaning and organising cakes. My mum still spoke to everyone for me, she didn't want me to become overwhelmed with the concerns that they all had. Jess, Jim, Zoe, Joe and Peter all asked about me constantly and she dealt with them. Only just over a month ago did she let me speak to them, I was able to meet with my friends in the cafe as I knew it was a safe environment, we spoke about life, about the Zoo, about their relationship. My siblings came round, excluding Peter for dinner. No one could deny the tension that was silently looming, the unintentional tension that is. It eventually passed, and we joked about old times. Then with Peter he came round, he was able to speak to all of us, including my Dad about my family, we then went to my room and talked about him. So much was uncovered, including his fiance, Mark. They're getting married next Summer, and he wants me to be there.

In four months I went from my worst state to my best, to not knowing how to live to gradually relearning. Me and Dan walk up in silence to his apartment, he unlocks the door and gives me a reassuring smile as we walk up the stairs and I can already hear Phil singing to himself. Dan rolls his eyes as he walks through to the kitchen as he places my bag next to me and I prepare myself.

Closing my eyes I go over the advice my therapist gave me, I remind myself that I have taken the first lot of my pills today, I need to take the rest at 7pm. 2:48pm. "Ali?!" Opening my eyes I see a blur of black hair and a brightly coloured top run towards me, embracing me in a tight hold. This time I react immediately, knowing how Phil can be. As he pulls away his hands still rest on my shoulders as a bright smile is clear on his face, I can feel a small version forming on my own. "I'm glad you're doing better, come on we have tea." I was ushered into the living room, and as I see it I can picture me and Dan, how he helped me for a while and eased me into that conversation.

Sitting down I had Phil sit next to me, and Dan positioned himself in the other arm chair, a small distance from me. It took them a while to get to what they wanted to hear, pass the small talk and questions about how my family are. They really wanted to know how I was, so I told them. I explained it all, all of what had been happening, knowing I would need to get used to explaining this story in the next few days.

They both were listening so intently, neither having realised how much there was to it all. Dan struggled to maintain eye contact with me, he fiddled with the bobbles on his jumper whilst Phil occasionally patted my arm for emotional support. As I finished I sipped at my lukewarm tea, "Oh, it's gotten a bit cold. I'll just zap this in the microwave." Excusing myself I walked to the kitchen, resting against the counter as I took a few deep breaths and then proceeded to put the mug in the microwave.

Watching it I didn't even hear anyone come in. "Hey," Shifting my focus from the mug to the figure in black behind me I kept still, unsure if I had tears in my eyes or if I was okay. "I had no idea that, that all of that was going on." He placed his hand on my shoulder and I turned around to face him.

I wasn't aware of how close he was as our toes were touching. He stayed still as I analysed his eyes, he seemed sincere, actually sincere. Part of my therapy was learning about emotions again, about how to realise the difference between genuine and fake, yet with Dan his have always seemed so genuine that I second guess myself. "About that night," Rubbing my lips together I lowered my head, unsure how to word it.

"I was wondering when we were going to talk about that." He muttered as the microwave beeped, he leaned over and opened the door for me. As he went to move back he paused, his face alongside mine. I could feel my heart beating, I could hear his breath hitching as we both realised if we turned our heads, something could happen. Something would happen.

Hesitantly I turned my head, trying to see if he was thinking the same. If you know, you know. Scanning his eyes one last time I closed my eyes, leaning in towards him and moving my body to face his. I could feel his hands on my waist, mine moving up around his neck. "You sure?" He whispered into my lips and I merely nodded lightly.

Just as his lips touched mine I heard a loud noise, "Oh snap." We quickly untangled ourselves as Phil stood there, mouth open in shock with a broken mug at his feet. "I loved that mug as well." He muttered to himself and I kept my focus on him, unable to look at Dan as my cheeks began to burn.

"Talk about picking your moments, Phil." Dan commented, making Phil just shrug his shoulders whilst I chuckled at how awkward this had become.

"I'll just go to my room for a while, and leave you alone." He pointed to the two of us before blowing a small kiss and walking away, leaving us in the silence along with a broken mug and some tea spilt across the floorboards.

Unable to face him I kept my eyes locked on the mug, "I'm just going to pick that up as it will cause an accident of some sorts," I spoke up first, bending down and picking the pieces up as I ignored him muttering my name. "it's fine just got to get them all as otherwise you would step on it and then get annoyed about the little shards-"

"Ali!" He groaned and I turned my head, seeing him stood there with worry in his eyes. "We, we almost had a moment. Not just a friend helping a friend, but something else." He stated and all I could do was nod. I stood up and put the pieces in the bin before standing with a bit more distance between us as I fiddled with my nails. "What does that mean?" He asks and I have no response.

"I don't know, Dan. I don't want to hurt you by messing you about in this situation. Part of me did like you, I really did. You've been so supportive over these past few months and I think I was clinging onto something we had when I was last here. Just, being in your place with all those memories." All he does is nod, clearly understanding. "I'm so sorry Dan."

He shakes his head before walking towards me and holding my hands in his, looking me in the eyes. "I'm glad you've told me, as I just wanted to be sure you were okay." I half smiled at how understanding he is, after all of it he is still supportive. "You really do care for him, don't you? I can see it in your eyes." The blush returned across my cheeks, but this time I couldn't feel it as strong. It wasn't out of embarrassment, but out of consciousness.

Nodding I sighed loudly. "What do I do, Dan?" I asked him with a pleading look across my face, and he paused, intently thinking it over.

Lifting my hands to his mouth he kissed them lightly, "You be the powerful woman you are, and go get him. I mean, you're in London. It's the perfect time to." Raising an eyebrow I couldn't hide my surprise, "Just tell him what you need to tell him, don't hold back. Okay?" This time he raised his eyebrows to me as he awaited my response.

"Okay." Releasing my hands from his I hugged him tightly, thanking him once again. "You really are my rock, Dan. Both of you are." I spoke quietly into the back of his neck and he rubbed my back.

"We are always here if you need us, you know that. Now go," He released me and motioned to the door. "You have no time to waste." A smile formed on my face, but on his it was only small, unable to really get over what I told him. The darkness in his eyes can only hide so much, I can see the upset forming, growing and taking the light away.

Placing my bag by the front door I quickly walk over to him, standing on the steps of the stairs so I'm the same height as him and lightly kiss his cheek. "For all you've done." I tell him and a blush forms where I kissed him, I glance up and see Phil sat at the top of the stairs. "You coming to say goodbye or what?" I joke with him and he rushes down, hugging me as tightly as he possibly can. "I'll miss you both, but I will keep you updated. I can't wait to here all about the tour." They both smile, both half heartedly.

Walking out of the door they both said goodbye, but I couldn't deny how my heart ached, the same ache that only grew the further I walked away. I took out my phone and opened our conversations, but apologies can only go so far. It'll be some time before I can see them again, I need to let him heal, move on from what could've been.

As I near the station I look through the colourful lines, seeing where I need to go next. Waiting for the next train I glance around, seeing the information and waiting times. Looking over I see a train coming. People quickly move to stand right behind the yellow lines, and as I move I glance down. As I do my palms begin to sweat, my heart racing as he remains unaware of me in this crowd. I see the train quickly rush by, wishing the doors would open faster as I see out of the corner of my eye him glancing my way.

Unable to stop myself I turn my head to see him looking directly at me, a sinister smile crossing his face momentarily as he boards the train. I take a step back, waiting for mine to arrive. The alarms blare as the train doors close, I focus on him as he whizzes by as others blur he remains in focus. He simply shakes his head at me before disappearing into the dark tunnels. Leaning against the cold bricks I try to practise the breathing techniques I was advised to do in situations like this. Yet everytime I close my eyes all I can see is him, the face of the one who ruined it all; Alfie.