Four months down the line, and I have accomplished more than I had anticipated. Natalia got me a job at the cafe, I had to leave the zoo much to my own despair. The zoo has been my second home for such a long time, it was where my friendship with Jim began, it is where I felt safe looking after Maddie, where I had a crush I never acted on. We all knew I couldn't take any more leave, that they could not afford it. Once this is all over, once I am back together with myself I will return, I'm more than welcome to according to Carter. Just for the meantime staying at home with my Mum, living my life in the bubble it was once in before any of it, before all of them came into my life.

My mental wellbeing as well as physical has improved. I go to the pharmacy, now unsupervised to pick up my prescriptions, I have check ups, I finished my therapy sessions. Going back to that therapist was the thing that worried me the most, she was the one I saw when I was seven, seven and full of sorrow at what I was being told by invisible faces with twisted words. This time was different, it wasn't a child and an adult full of curiosity; instead it was two adults, one who was ready to leave it in her past, back in the world of the child who was too easily accepting of it, who pushed it all away into the pill bottles that were never unscrewed.

Working in the cafe I was able to see the other way of living, here there was only simplicity. Home was where people came to retire, or start families. It was the place where I grew up, but eventually outgrew.

No teenager plans on staying here forever, it's somewhere to restore faith in life. That no matter how things end up, you'll always have home and the nostalgia in the places you once loved. That is how I've ended up here, I wanted something stable. Where else can be considered a constant in your life besides where you grew up, where you established happy memories?

At home I feel more secure, I've been visiting my Dad too whilst staying at my Mums. As well as this I've had the opportunity to meet with Peter more, spend time with my other sibling which is still something I'm trying to get used to saying. We've talked about our family, I have managed to learn a lot about the Mitchells, sadly about our Aunt who is too unwell to look after us or see us.

Having time away from everything has been needed, I've learnt more about myself in the past four months than I have done for years. Yet, despite the needed cleanse something is still itching away at me, more specifically who.

Every night, after I take my medication I glance over to my wardrobe where my red coat lies. Initially when me and Jess first met we joked about how I could have been 'Red Coat' from Pretty Little Liars, but I laughed it off. Now it just reminds me of him, yet I can't hide it, I can't shove it into my wardrobe and ignore it like I have done with him for all this time. I close my eyes and see his face, the last face I remember seeing before it all went dark, before I woke up in strange circumstances.

I wonder if he thinks of me? If he actually wonders how I am, if him and Joe have reworked their friendship? Does he even care that badly? Zoe said If I know, then I know, but my mind may be clearer in terms of how I perceive everything, yet whenever I think of him it becomes blurry, fogged. The mere thought of there ever being an us are shunned down by my thoughts knowing it is unlikely, that he could only see me as friend after all that he put me through in the end.

But if he only saw me as a friend, why was he so jealous when me and Jim faked dating? The look of sheer pain that crossed his face momentarily before I told him the truth; one of my low moments that month alone. I wish I knew about the date, that I knew the details that happened between us, if anything did happen. All I'm left with is his little information about it along with the memories we share of late night FaceTimes before it all happened, of the times we met up, the overly long hugs, the sweet comments no one else would make, the laughs over the tears.

If you know, then you know.

As it all plays through my head in snippets, I feel like I know at last. I can feel the blurriness disappearing as my coat becomes clearer, the colours in a sharper focus as I zone in to it. Closing my eyes I can't disguise the smile that forms on my face, one that I haven't experienced nor thought about in four months, four long months of true solitude.

Before I allow myself sweet relief of sleep I make a mental plan, everyone I need to speak to, apologise to and explain things to. There are a lot of them, it'll be difficult, but I need to do it in order to truly start again, if I want to talk to him and truly know then this is what I'll have to go through and endure.

I hope my mind can withstand the pain that lies ahead.