Unable to control my fidgeting I pushed my nail beds back for the fourth time whilst my leg continued to bounce. To anyone sat here they could think I have an addiction or I'm in the withdrawal phase, but instead I am incredibly terrified. With Jim sat next to me asking I'm doing okay every few minutes I just nod knowing words would not be on my side as I try to phrase what is wrong with me in my own mind.

The intense bleep of the notice board chimes again, holding my breath as my heartbeat races too fast another name flashes by leaving me more nervous. "You're doing the right thing Ali." Jim nudges me lightly with a small smile yet I cannot fathom one reflecting his, my mouth remains low like my eyes.

I can hear others making casual conversation, talking about mundane things that no one cares for really but this is what we do, because we are normal; because they are normal. My foot continues to shake whilst I clench my hands together to stop them being so obvious. "Jim, I, I can't-" Before I had the opportunity to raise my voice above a mutter my name flashes across the screen.

Alison Sugg, room 12.

Apprehensively standing up I turn to face Jim who wears faith heavy in his eyes. He thinks it'll be fine, he always does. It is as if he has forgotten what he witnessed me go through back at my Mums, the state I was in there and then. That to him this is just easy for me to do, talk about it when this has been building up for years and years. I wish it was easy as the encouragement his eyes told mine. Turning my back to him I walk past the roaming eyes who all have varied thoughts on what could be wrong with me as they try and pinpoint it. It isn't physical, not the naked eye they probably think. Perhaps it is a disease? One shuffles in his seat, he thinks I'm contagious. I'm only contagious mentally as the thoughts spread like a wildfire with each step nearer room 12.

Taking a shallow breath I knock on the door and hearing a light voice greet me, meaning this is it. My body moves before my mind has the opportunity to process it as I see my Doctor in sight perched at his desk with his eyes on the monitor, already my documents appear on screen as I shut the door behind me. "Hi Alison, if you'd like to take a seat." He motions to the uncomfortable looking chair that haunts classrooms in schools.

Sitting down I rested my hands on my thighs, unable to keep them still as the silence grew around us as he clicked away with his mouse, typing things in before I had the opportunity to start talking. "So Alison," The Doctor turned to face me with that cautious smile, the one that makes a shiver spread through my spine. "how can we help today?" We? Who are the We in this situation?

Releasing a slow steady breath I focus on my shoes rather than his eyes. "You've seen my records right? So you probably know why I'm here." I speak clearly, wanting to get this over with quickly. My eyes glance his way as his cautious smile turns into a straight line.

"Have you had a stressful few months? You know it can be a trigger." He explained and I nodded, to say these past few months were a walk in the park would be a blatant lie unless the park was on fire and the ground was made of lava with people trying to grab me and hurt me whilst I melted into the fire. Then, then only then has these few months been a walk in the park.

"I'm aware of that it's just," All of my thoughts begin to crowd over each other, indecisive about what should claim the first spot on the podium to declare my problems. "I need something. I really need some new medication that'll stop them." Slowly I lift my hand up and tap my head, barely able to whisper the last few words needed to be said, "The voices."

He follows with a murmur and an understanding nod. Swivelling in his chair he moves closer towards me, "Okay Alison, I'm going to take a look at you one minute alright?" Nodding in response he runs through the same tests I had done last time, then the time before that.

Before then I was in hospital, only seven years old and having scans performed on my brain, being trained to be in one way and follow a strict routine of pills. Now I'm used to it, the effects of this have left me completely numb. He shines a torch into each eye whilst I remain completely still, accuracy is key here as they tell me.

Once he's done I allow myself to process it all whilst we remain in silence. He continues to click and type into his keyboard whilst I stare at the ugly bed with the roll of paper neatly laid out; the mere thought of it making my skin crawl. "Alison, I'm going to prescribe you this medication here."

I listen carefully to the variety of medications he wants to try, experiment with. This time I process it all, the ones that'll help with sleep, with mood swings, with the voices, hysterics and stress. Each has a name that is too long and complex to begin to say aloud so I merely nod as he tells me them. "Thank you." Holding onto the list for the pharmacy he returns to his desk as I leave the room, a weight being lifted rather than merely shifted.

As soon as I came into view Jim stood up, walking over to me with a blank expression on his face. Whatever I was going to tell him in this moment would alter the perception he has over me, whether he'd smile or frown or just nod in acceptance. "I've got to go to the pharmacy so I'll meet you outside? This might take a while." Holding up my slip of never ending tablets his eyes can't help but go wide as he scans the list, not understanding a single name either.

"Yeah, yeah." He quickly muttered before walking out of the doors into the fresh muggy air away from the ill ridden confined sort in here.

For a while I stood there as the Pharmacist scanned through the list, walking away and getting some of the other dispensers to sort it out. After a while she explained how many times a day to take each pill and to use my dosette box. "Don't worry the dosage will be written on the labels, but keep to your dosage." I nodded in response as she handed me the bag, the paper bag filled with my cure.

It seems weird, holding the items that will stop me from being me almost. From being the version of myself that I've come to loathe. Who grew up with that perspective? Wishing that the things they think would vanish and would wish to have a deafening silence rather than the eerie whispers of denial. Walking outside I clutched the bag to my chest, I refuse to let them defeat me this time, this time I will take the tablets whether they like it or not.

*

My moods feel brighter, the voices are quieter and it's only been two months. Two short months of blossom growing on trees, of bugs returning to the air and of enjoying living again. I didn't think I'd be able to find happiness or a form of contentment like this again, but I have and I wish I knew how much I'd been longing for this life.

"Hey stranger." Turning around Jess stands before me with a goofy smile on her face.

Completely surprised I tightly hug her, confused more than anything. "What, what're you doing here? You never visit me at the zoo." I laugh lightly as I secure my hat down, moving Jess away from other visitors as they walk on by and glance in at Maddie now fast asleep.

"I thought I'd come say hi, I mean you've been so happy and I wanted to see you in your element." She shrugs her shoulders but all I can do is smile. It's true, I'm in my element. Of late there are less 'fans' trying to visit me, or attempt to expose me.

After the first time I met those three girls they put the footage on Twitter, from there it was on YouTube and it spread like wildfire for a bit. Yet, it died down a lot faster than I had anticipated. For almost a month I was asked about, people tried to take pictures with me or ask me questions about Zoe and Alfie and Joe but I continued to deny it all and just get on with my job. "Well you picked the right day for it, it's been quiet. Middle of the week and all." Glancing around it was dead, barely anyone was around today. "Wait." Clutching a hold of her arm I couldn't help but smile when I had a light bulb moment.

Walking Jess away from the big cat enclosure we approached Jim who didn't even take a second look to Jess. "Day off Jess?" He asked and she nodded, giving her a small hug. "What're you two up to?" Raising an eyebrow to us Jess merely shrugged whilst I began to lead Jess away in a direction she did not know. "Oh I'm just going to show Jess Alfred."

Unbeknownst to Jess, Alfred is one of the friendliest penguins at the zoo, who happens to love people as much as Jess loves penguins. As we near the enclosure I wave over to Oli, one of our Penguin guys. "Hey Ali, who's this?" Jess now opened her eyes and her mouth dropped.

"I get to, I get to meet them!" She stuttered and pointed between them and her whilst her eyes remained wide and out of control. All I could do was nod as her squeals drowned out any form of attempted speech. "Oh thank you thank you!" She hugged me tightly and then went over to Oli, doing the same to him.

For the next hour we sat on the plank and fed them, especially Alfred. "Ali?" Turning my head Jim stood behind the barrier. Excusing myself I got up and walked over to him, he motioned for me to follow so I did.

"Everything alright?" I asked with a smile still plastered across my face as I wipe my hands across my trousers, the smell of fish lingering.

"Someone wants to see you, by Maddie." He motioned for me to go but I remained hesitant.

Sighing I began to walk alongside with Jim, "If it is another fan I am running out of things to say to them. There really isn't anything else I can say besides no I am not Zoe and Joe Suggs sist-" Coming to a halt I remained perfectly still, hoping I could blend into the greenery despite being in all black.

His tall form turned around to face me, apprehensive reflecting mine. Jim backed away behind me, leaving the two of us alone. Already guilt radiated off of me as he stood there quietly, not being the first to raise their voice. "Caspar I just want to apologise." I sigh and sit down on the bench, he stands by it with caution.

"You don't have to explain, Ali." He spoke up, I lift my head locking my eyes with his as they read care, the same as they always did. "Jim told me, he told me everything." I can feel pressure and heat rise to my cheeks, lowering my head I use this stupid cap to my advantage. "I can't begin to imagine how hard this has all been for you."

The bench creaked next to me as he sat down, the smell of his aftershave laced with mint was comforting. "I'm doing a lot better. I'm just lonely." I sigh, "I haven't spoken to my siblings in months, I've been focused on me, and my own health." Twiddling my thumbs on my lap I see his hand come into view, picking mine up.

Instead of pulling it away I simply look at it, not associating my hand in his but a strangers, a friends. I rest my head on his shoulder and simply sit and look at Maddie walking around aimlessly. "I've been given the silent treatment from them all since you told Zoe. No one is talking to anyone, not just you." Lifting my head up his eyes seem sorrowful, rather than their usual joy.

"What if we didn't see what we saw that night? Would any of this have happened?" I can't help but ponder, if we didn't recognise Alfie, if Caspar didn't know Niomi could everyone simply have gotten on with their lives. Would my health decline? Would I have found out about Peter? Would any of this, any news have occurred?

A gentle touch brought me back as I focused on him, "It would have eventually, even if it wasn't us. Sometimes those things can't stay a secret forever." I nod in response, we just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"I've missed you Varjack." My mind doesn't process it before it hangs in the air, the small distance between us.

"I've missed you too Darkbloom." He held me in a tight embrace, it was the sort that was needed. It held the emotions I was vacant of, the unknown love and longing. "After work, dinner?" All I do is smile into his chest, I can feel the cogs work slowly after being left to rust for months, the butterflies coming out of their dormant cocoons.

"I'd love to."

*

Unable to contain my laughter the cold air caught me off guard as the door to the restaurant closed behind us. Caspar continued to impersonate my awful dance moves from many moons ago, laughing as he too stumbled down the pavement. "Oh come on!" I exclaim, barely able to control my giggles. "I was not that bad." Scoffing in response he merely pulled a face and stood still as I caught up to him, taking his hand.

"Oh you're freezing!" He mumbles to me and takes his jacket off, making me wear it.

The fabric feels like silk against my skin, blending into it as the warmth radiates and blocks out the icy chill that hangs in the air. "Can I just say," Reaching out to stop him he stands still, despite my vision blurring in and out I try my hardest to focus on him. "thank you for today, I really, really needed really this." Stumbling over my words he just laughs lightly.

"Seems like someone has had too much to drink." Holding my hand he guides me across the road as we walk under the dull road barely lit with the warm hue from the street lamps as the occasional car passes by making the path ahead clear momentarily.

"Why did, why did Jim contact you?" I think aloud as we walk in time, his steps slowing down for my own sake.

He remains quiet, I can't help but wonder if he has chosen to ignore it or is in deep thought. I nudge him lightly and he then speaks up, "He said you were in a better mindset but lonely." He was shaking his head, "Really isolated." I nod in response, I was. Despite never being better I had no idea how isolating life was without someone always talking to you internally. "He told me about the plan, the ideas, the scheming and I have to say bravo on it all. I just wish it hadn't come down to it all, the hatred and lies."

"Like we said," Stopping him he holds my small hands in his large, wrapping them up tightly and securely. "we were in the wrong place at the wrong time." I shrug it off, but I can see that he can't get past it, the heavy look in his eyes under the poorly lit light. "What're you thinking?"

Snapping out of it he locks his eyes with mine, "I'm thinking you aren't alone," He smiles, something so out of blue but sincere. "that I don't want you to feel alone anymore and hell maybe it is the alcohol talking but I mean every word." His hand reaches up to tuck my outgrown fringe behind my ear, resting his hand against my rosy cheek.

"I, I," I stutter as his eyes shift focus from mine to my lips, "I don't want to be alone anymore." Reaching my hands up I rest them on his shoulders, his head lowers as I rise onto my tiptoes.

The rusty smell of alcohol lingers in his breath, I can feel the heat from his lips so close to mine.

A loud horn and scream cuts us off, a blur of white blinds me. Suddenly all becomes numb, too cold despite the chill in the air. I can hear screams around us and someone in the distance calling for me, I try to call out for Caspar but it feels as if I can't move. Paralysed, so alone.

"Ali stay awake! Please!" His voice is muffled, as if someone is blocking him out purposefully. My eyes are too heavy to open but I can feel the tears fall from them, stinging something across my cheeks.

The bright light fades into a dull hue, I'm not afraid. I'm tired, I can feel a tear fall and then it all becomes dark. No one else is calling, I'm truly alone.