Wandering back home my lip quivers as the voices become quieter, settling back down for the day. Part of me wonders if I've been gone long enough, if I can play off having been at the doctors playing the familiar waiting game for them to see me and then talk to them followed by the heavy walk home. I convince myself I have, craving nothing but security and comfort only found at home.

As I unlock the door I slip my shoes off and hang my coat up, unplugging my earphones I stroll through the kitchen with ease. "How was it?" I jump out of my skin as I turn to see Jess sat looking my way from the sofa.

"Jess!" I exclaim, "Next time, give a girl some warning." A loud sigh follows as I take out the carton from the fridge, happily taking it and sitting opposite her. I could see her eyes widening, left eyebrow lifting with curiosity, waiting to hear what happened and refusing to leave until I tell otherwise. "I talked to them, I'm going back next week to just get my prescription." Lying through my teeth I can see her smile, pleased with my story.

Standing up and collapses next to me she tightly squeezes the life and the remaining energy out of me. "I'm happy for you, I truly am." Part of me feels the burning sensation of guilt rise, yet as always I suppress it knowing if I want to go on with a normal life then this is what I need to do; carry on, act fine. Deep down I know I'm fine.

"I'm going to work tomorrow, talk to my supervisor about coming back." I tell her and the surprise is etched clearly in her eyes but she feigns a smile.

Shifting away from me and resting against the arm of the sofa she pulls her hair back, something she has a habit of doing when she is uncomfortable. "Don't you erm," Struggling for words the awkwardness only spreads, radiating around us. "think it's too soon? They said take as long as you need Al." My body begins to get tense, too tense like I'm being suffocated. Her kind words feel too forced, patronising like my parents and Zoes always did.

Forcing myself up I stand by the tv, just out of her reach. "I need to get back to a normal routine. It's what's best for my personal interests. That and I miss it, I miss seeing the animals, interacting with the kids as they do their treasure hunt." I explain to her, ending up burying my head in my hands groaning. "This is not what I want." Motioning to myself I can see it, the pain she feels on my behalf.

Jess stands up, tightening her ponytail and walks over to me. "What about the fans though, that is my one concern."

Shrugging my shoulders I ponder, "Fans exist all over the world Jess, you can't escape them." I state, "They're people after all." For a second I picture every face behind the screens, children even accusing me of being myself yet an imposter. That I, a Sugg am a fake for living an ordinary life that I wanted.

We both sat in an uncomfortable silence until Jess caved, "You're right Ali," She confessed as I continued to hug the arm of the chair. "I just can't help but think about all of them, how they can just invade your life and all that." Releasing her tight ponytail her bunched hair flows down over her shoulders.

"Truth be that I'm nervous about them, I truly am." Admitting part of the truth I can feel the confining pressure on my chest ease, slightly. "Yet, I don't want to be live in constant paranoia." I can feel my insides burning, the hypocrite I am just laughing in my head as the words wrapped neatly in lies continue. "I'm going to get through this, I know I am."

You won't.

You never will.

Nice try, Ali.

Pathetic child.

Smiling through the pained voices in my mind Jess smiles back, soon departing and leaving me in a land of solitude with horrid thoughts as my only friend. My eyes followed her as she left, holding desperation that remained out of her view as always.

Do you think she cares?

No one cares, not really.

You're a burden.

You always will be.

Why didn't you go to the doctors?

Why lie?

You're too scared.

You don't want us gone.

We know you better than you know yourself.

Curling up even tighter I clutch cushions to my chest, bringing my knees up as I let the tears fall silently against my raw cheeks. Shutting my eyes I shake my head as I try to zone into the presenters voice on the TV, hoping that his voice would provide more comfort than the ones I heard on repeat in my mind.

*

Smiling to myself I fix my name badge back onto my shirt, shrugging on my light jacket I patiently wait for Jim to message me and let me know he's here and waiting. As I stroll downstairs, I ignore the sealed box of tablets in my bedside draw yelling at me and instead get breakfast. Jess walks down with a bad case of bed hair with her hand already outstretched to a fresh coffee made by me.

She took a seat opposite me as I finished breakfast and released a content sigh. "Like old times." She motioned to us sat here, having breakfast as I headed to work and she would soon get ready for a lecture.

"It feels good." Beaming with positivity I hear my phone chime, "Jim's here." I tell her and we both get up, Jess beating me to the door to greet her boyfriend and kisses him. "Maybe not so much like old times." I remark sarcastically as they break it off, Jim blushing lightly.

"Ready to go see your favourites?" Jim asks and I nod as I grab onto my cap, pushing my hair back as I secure it firmly on my head.

Jess watches us go like a proud Mum seeing her kids off on the first day of school, waving frantically despite how early it is. "Have fun!" She yells to us through the window as Jim starts to drive off. I wave to her one last time before she goes out of sight and I return to being in the car, just like old times.

"So," Jim speaks up as his eyes remain locked ahead, focusing on the route we both know like the back of our hands.

"Yep." I can't help but laugh to myself about it, never did I imagine I could be this happy to go back to a job. "I'm actually excited to sweep up Maddie's poo. I've missed my giant cat baby." The thought of her sleepy face makes my chest tighten with pure joy.

He smirked to himself before joining in, hesitant on what to say. "Everything is good then, with you?" He phrased it as a question, more than a general statement. Nodding in reply he could just see it, I knew if I spoke up he'd detect my lies. Thing with Jim is that I find it difficult to lie to him, he is the one person who can tell when I lie, more than with Jess. "Taking your meds?"

My stomach sinks as my thoughts go into overdrive. "Yes." I state, emotion lacks my tone, my palms begin to sweat and I opt to focus on my reflection in the wing mirror.

"Okay." He replies, sounding like his normal self, too normal. "Glad you're feeling like yourself again then."

"Yeah," I speak up, analysing the fear rimmed in my eyes. "never felt better."