Opening my eyes I was stuck. It didn't feel constraining, or harmful but instead something I've only dreamt of feeling for so long; safe. Glancing up I saw him fast asleep, mouth ajar and eyes lazily closed making me smile to myself. Slowly I attempted to draw myself from him, relieve my arms from the pressure he held them under but as I did the warmth was replaced with an icy coldness, much like the first day of snow- when we get it.

Carefully I move away from the bed, seeing it rise slightly and his body move gently still unaware of the harsh reality that lie before him. I walk out of the large dull room and to the bathroom, picking up my phone as I go in hope of seeing nothing but I can never be so sure. Twelve messages, Seven missed calls and too many social media notifications.

The messages consisted of my brothers fear, my own parents worry and concern regarding both me and Zoe but moreso her behaviour all mixed in with absolute confusion. As I read further into their own bewilderment three messages stood out to me more than others.

Zoe kicked him out.

Marcus refuses to see Niomi.

They're all miserable Al. I get you need some time, but please keep in touch - Joe x

Sitting down on the closed toilet seat I can't help but feel the weight grow on me again, the impending guilt of trying to do some form of good and yet again failing. The floorboards creak outside and a quiet knock echoes through the small bathroom. "Morning?" He sounded more perplexed than probably intended making me smile to myself at his abnormal awkwardness.

"I'm on the loo Dan, but not on the loo. You can come in." I tried being upbeat, but the tone I wanted failed me, abandoned ship long ago. Instead it is now replaced by a monotone voice that barely resembles who I was.

Hearing the door open slowly and a large head pop through with curiosity written across his face he lit up, realising what I actually meant. "Thank God for that." He sighed as he placed his hand against his chest. "I thought you were in some dire need of toilet roll or something." Smiling smally in response I remained quiet.

"It's good, I just like it here. Though small it just makes things easier to think through." I shrug my shoulders, avoiding his gaze.

Keeping my eyes fixated on the discoloured square bath mat beneath my feet a pair of odd black socks appear, followed my cross legs and hands covering the oddness of these particular socks. "What can I say? Living life on the edge." Motioning to his socks I laughed lightly, I was trying, I had to at least.

As the silence loomed over the two of us I couldn't ignore it for much longer, the clear elephant in the tiny room. He slept with me last night, on my own request. Nothing happened, but, did I secretly want something to? I was emotional, a complete and utter mess who needed a friend to console her but I expected Phil to be the shoulder for me to sob on, not Dan.

"Talk to him Ali."

"Perhaps he might just reject you, I mean it happened before."

"Him? With you?"

Shutting my eyes tightly I could never shut them out, they always screamed in the silence- I wonder if they'll ever stop. "We should talk about last night." They stop momentarily as I speak up, taking charge of this. All whilst I remain seated on the toilet.

"What do you want to talk about?" My insides were burning at his attempts of a casual remark, that he was playing it cool as if this happens all the time.

Lifting my head I raise an eyebrow to him, my unimpressed look causes a change in expression from him as he straightens himself up, still hiding the socks from my gaze. "I am not in a good place. I can openly admit that." I saw him slowly nod in agreement. "And I think I just need my friend, you know? I don't mean to be rude to you as you're a great guy Dan it's just-"

"Hey, Ali." He placed his hands on my knees. "I'll always be here for you, okay? Friends is what I expected us to be and that suits me just fine. As your friend I am now taking you out for breakfast, despite it being 6:14am. God why am I awake?" He exclaimed and slowly got to his feet, complaining and moaning as he did. "Come on." Holding his hand out to me I hesitated, "You can't sit on the loo forever, if you do then they win."

I accepted his hand and decided to not admit defeat, not anymore. As the morning progressed and London became more full of life the initial tension between the two of us faded, we bonded more so than before but there was still an elephant lurking in the corner of the cafe; just waiting for it's moment. "Dan," I spoke up as he paused with his mouth full of food murmuring an incoherent noise in response. "what do you think I should do?" His eyes went wide as he continued to chew his food, leaving me in an uncomfortable silence whilst conversations continued around us along with the whirring of the coffee machine.

"Give it time," Blankly I stared at him but he simply shrugged. "that is the best thing in these cases, obviously there is more to it than I know but I also think you should see your doctor again." I began to sink in my chair but that didn't stop him. "Seriously Ali, after that dream you told me about I'd be freaked, and I've noticed you're becoming more and more spaced out. Do you need me to go with you before you head home?"

Shaking my head I rise back into my seat, "I'll manage Dan. But thank you." Taking a sip of my tea I smile as we continue with the conversation, the elephant now only hovering over me as to Dan it is a case well and truly closed but for me it'll always loom and never truly disappear.

*

It felt like I had taken a break from everyone and everything for 36 hours, I was immune from the suffering that reality offers but haven is only a temporary matter, life awaits to be lived. Now, sat on a train unlike my previous self I was bare faced, free of tear stains and judgemental eyes. I was still unknown here, there was no reason for me to fear.

What would happen if I vanished? To be or not to be as Hamlet once said without a skull in his hands, would I be missed? I mean, Zoe told me I belong in a nuthouse, somewhere like Radley perhaps. Leaning back into the seat I place my earphones in and flood my ears and thoughts with gentle piano, it blocks out the voices, almost mutes them for a little while.

All I crave is serenity, a permanent form rather than just a temporary matter. As I glance around at the carriage everyone is different, some try and engage in conversation with a simple look whilst others avoid and keep their eyes fixated on their phones. A mother and daughter sit to the left of me, the girl looking in admiration as the carriage goes dark as we pass through the tunnel whilst her mother sits, clearly bored out of her mind and merely enduring her child's excitement. Then there is a man, tall, blonde hair in a suit. Blinking rapidly I shake the thought, it's not him, Caspar isn't here.

Yet no matter how I tell myself the thought doesn't budge. Once the train arrives I leave in a hurry, all I want to do is go home, act as if this all never happened. The life I had before, a year ago before I knew any of this, when I'd laugh with Zoe and Alfie on FaceTime, not know any of her friends or meet any who'd impact my life in such a way. When I had Jim, my best friend at work and then I'd go home and watch Netflix with Jess. My mental health was in a good place, I'd actually take my tablets and want to get on with the day rather than just avoid it. Those were the days. Ones I can only dream of getting back now.

Walking up to the front door I can just imagine myself back then, once I came home from Caspar and Joe's.

Flashback:

It didn't matter how much I tried to suppress what I saw, it simply couldn't be unseen. The chipped blue door eased me as I unlocked it and headed up the two flights of stairs to where home was. Fiddling with my things I reached down for my key again, ignoring the constant noises my phone made with messages from Varjack about what we saw.

A squeal sounded as I opened the door, practically kicking my bags inside and tripping over them as I saw a blur of Jess run towards me; and here I was thinking she hated running. "Oh I missed you Ali." Her arms were tightly locked around my neck as I held my breath, barely able to move out of her grip.

Lifting my arms up I hugged her back and she began to sway from side to side, mumbling nonsense to me until she let go, picked up my bag and told me all the eventful news I'd missed whilst I was away. "-and then Jim came round expecting you to be here with a takeaway and he joined me for Netflix night. He's really sweet isn't it?" Zoning back into the conversation I blankly stared at her whilst she fussed in the kitchen, pausing as she realised that I wasn't quite with it. "Everything okay Al?" Placing the container down she moved closer to me as I hovered over the blue sofa, unsure of how I quite got here.

Slowly nodding in response I sit down on the sofa, staring at the picture framed of us not long after we moved in. "I'm fine." I state with no emotion, it's eating away at me and I don't think I can stop it.

The sofa dipped and I could sense her looking at me, analysing it all. "Something happened, didn't it? Was it Caspar?" I shook my head, my mouth could not physically produce the words. "I'll put the kettle on, tea always does you good." The second she stood up and walked away everything played back in a split second.

"Alife is cheating on Zoe with his best friends girlfriend." The sound of the kettle turned off, all became silent, the weight felt more apparent than before. Sighing I felt the tears fall down my cheeks, unable to stop it now that it was out there. Someone else knew.

End of flashback.

Unlocking the door it felt different, it wasn't the same as it used to be. Last time I came home I had a plan, we all did. But this time it's not like that, I just feel empty, hopeless. Placing my bags by the door I walked into the kitchen, turning the kettle on. The lack of noise meant one thing; Jess wasn't home.

Sitting down on the sofa I brought my legs to my chest, resting my head on my knees. I didn't hear the kettle go off, I wasn't aware of how dark it had gotten outside or that Jess was now sat in front of me. Concern etched deeply in her eyes as I blankly looked at her, I'm sure she can see right through me, there's nothing left in there anyway.

She stood up and my eyes shifted, it was midnight. I've been home for 8 hours, and I haven't moved. A cup of tea was placed in front of me as she sat down besides me, her arms were wrapped around me and I fell into her lap, resting my head there but remaining silent. I had no words left, no thoughts, nothing.

"We'll get you back Ali." She muttered as she stroked my hair, much like my Mum did when I was young, when I asked her what was wrong with me. "I think it's time we go see your Doctor, don't you?" All I did was nod, I felt the water burn my cheeks, the all too familiar dull sting return and dampen her lap. "One step at a time Ali."