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Mum: Your dad and I ... divorce. ... surprise ... spur of the moment...

Dad: ... work at it ... don't love each other ...

Mum: ... not the same people ...

Dad: ... you and Joe ... both love you

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Their voices echoed in my mind, replaying bits of my conversation with them, only the ones that upset me the most. Well, a few days ago, my parents told me they were getting divorced, which then triggered a lot more panic attacks from me, like this one. As it happened I couldn't see either of them. I didn't want to see them, but then I heard someone behind me.

"What's wrong, Zoe?" The sound of someone's voice made me flinch and turn around in fear. I sighed in relief seeing Joe; Joe had seen me like this. Joe would understand. He did understand because he just opened up his arms and I flew into his embrace, even though I knew it would set me off. I just shook in his arms, uncontrollably sobbing and hyperventilating.

I was so glad it was him because he knew not to fuss. He just lets me be until I come round. After a while I did and I pulled away from him, seeing that he had his signature 'deer in the headlights expression' on his face. That's the problem with Joe, he didn't handle emotion very well. He just never knew what to do or say.

I could see on his face that he wanted to know what was going through my head, but didn't know how to phrase it so as not to set me off again. I knew it would be cathartic to tell him, but I also knew he had a right to know what was happening. I took him to the living room and sat him down on the sofa. As I did, I was going through the mental list of the things he could think what was the matter. Aaron was most likely to be top of the list.

"Is it—" I knew what he was thinking, so I shook my head.

"Not just him." The expression on his face was almost comical. The situation didn't call for much levity though. Here goes nothing... "It's Mum and Dad." His eyes widened. I could see he was fearing for their safety. He always wears his heart on his sleeve with me. "They're splitting up." There comes the shock. "Getting divorced."

"What? Why? When?" He looked bewildered.

"Do you want to add who and how?" I snapped even though I knew I shouldn't have. It wasn't fair on him, and as soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them. He'd probably get the wrong message from them.

"Should I?" No, they hadn't talked about cheating, and I don't think either of them would have broken the news to me the way they had if one of them had done so. Looking back, there wasn't resentment there, just resignation.

I sighed and said, "I don't think so."

"You didn't answer my question." You had more than one. "Questions." That's better.

"They said, but I honestly can't remember anything apart from some mumbo jumbo about not being in love anymore and not being the same people. You'll need to ask them yourself." He nodded, looking pensive.

"When did they tell you?"

"A few days ago."

"How have you been? Have you been having many panic attacks?"

"Yeah. Loads." No use lying to him. "Things with Aaron hasn't helped either."

"Has he tried seeing you? Is that why you looked so scared?"

I internally sighed in relief. I didn't have to go into details with Aaron. Focusing on the latter, I answered, "I didn't want to see Mum or Dad. Especially not like this." I could see this was starting to get to him, so he pulled me close to him and rested his head on my shoulder. "How do you feel?" I asked quietly but he shrugged. It probably hadn't sunk in just yet.

"Still in shock. Hasn't sunk in yet. I might get to grips with it when they've told me." My body language shifted. Does it really seem likely that I'd lie about it? "It's not that I don't believe you." He held up his hands in defense. I began to lose that feeling of defensiveness. "I do, but... yeah. Where are they?"

Beats me. I shrugged. "Not here. They didn't say."

"OK. I'm going to sleep now. Will you be alright on your own?" I nodded, knowing full well that I wouldn't be. There was no use in having him here when he was clearly tired.

I might as well go to bed as well.

~—~

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Aaron: Why are you looking at him for? Aren't I your boyfriend? You're a cheat. You don't care about me.

Me: I do! Why don't you believe me?

Aaron: You're good for nothing. You're unwanted and unloved.

Me: That's not true. I am loved.

Me: My friends love me / Aaron: I'll show you

Me: My brother loves me. / Aaron: You'll see

Me: My parents love me. / Aaron: Everyone's going to leave you.

Mum: Your dad and I are getting divorced. / Aaron: Everyone's going to leave you

Dad: We're not going anywhere. / Me: Don't go

Aaron: I'll show you. / Me: NO!

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I woke up with a start and started sobbing again. I had to work on my exercises to control my breathing. I contemplated waking Joe up and hugging him, but quickly decided against it. He needs his sleep.

The time was around 4:30, so really late, or really early, depending on how you look at it. There was no point in going back to sleep, so I thought I might as well do something productive. The time wasn't quite right to start filming something because I might wake someone up. Joe sleeps like the dead and I didn't know if either Mum or Dad had come back in. Either way I didn't think it would be appropriate to film something anyway.

What to do... I thought, an image of the thinking emoji coming into my head. Something silent. Then it came to me. If it couldn't be a vlog, I'd better do a blog.

After I finished writing, I looked at the time again. 5:30. I started work at 9 and had to get there around 8:30. Still too early. I really didn't enjoy my job. It didn't make me feel fulfilled in it. I felt it didn't give me motivation to get out there and say to the world, "Here I am."

The thing that was very fulfilling was my YouTube career. If you could count that as a career, that is. I suddenly knew what I should do. Do I have the mettle to actually do it though? Was I brave enough to quit my job in favour of putting out my videos and blog posts? The response to my blogs and vlogs has been immense and I knew you could earn money from it. I got my fair share of hate though, of course, but I tried not to focus a lot on that. On the whole, people love the things I put out there.

I decided to write my letter of notice to my boss. I needed to give them a certain amount of time and I was willing to wait. In the meantime I could look for ways to earn money from being a youtuber.

I knew Joe has a great number of subscribers and he could do it too. He was always about his backup plans, though, so I don't think he'd go for it soon. I've let him borrow a lot of my vlogging equipment, and that makes me feel like a great sister and a great human being in general. I'd help him in any way I can.

Speaking of helping him out, I knew once he woke up that he'll have a thumping headache. But that's nothing a good greasy meal won't sort out. Unfortunately if I wanted to let him sleep until he was caught up, making him a full English wasn't feasible because it would make it cold and manky by the time he ate it. Nothing worse than cold baked beans. Instead I decided to make him a bacon sandwich, and whilst I was at it, I made one for myself as well.

I shut the door so that the smell wouldn't drift up and wake him up. Whilst the bacon cooked, my mind wandered to what Joe did for me last night. He's a good lad, and as much as I wanted to avoid them, I had to acknowledge that our parents raised us both really well.

On top of that though, Joe had a heart of gold—and that's not something anyone can instill. I thought the least I could do was say thank you to him. I realised he would call me a weirdo for not thanking him in a text but I wanted to give him something tangible. So that he'd be able to look at it in the future. And a text might wake him up.

As I was plating up our food, letting his cool down a little, I thought of writing the thank you on a post it note. It would have to be one of those long ones, thinking about what I wanted to say.

Thanks for being there for me last night, Broseph.

It occurred to me that he may not have noticed the food, so I continued...

In case you haven't noticed, I've left you some food

Suppose water and painkillers would help as well

, water and painkillers. You're welcome

So much for it being a memento. Oh well. I'd written it.

Somehow I didn't wake him up when I put the three items down on his bedside table, but I did, and got ready for work. Sigh.

~—~

Work went much the same as it always did. This time however, I handed in my notice. I was still really worried about Joe though.

It wasn't as though he was putting up a front, but his feelings ran deep. Probably so deep that he didn't know how to express it. That is, apart from cracking a joke or pulling a prank. He takes after Dad like that. Mind you, I'm not much better myself. Joe brings it out in me.

There was only one instance where I actually saw Joe crying, which was really sweet, because it was over a girl. I was afraid he would keep his emotions hidden, bottled up, and all of a sudden he'd let it out in an unhealthy way.

At the end of the day, I left work feeling lighter somehow, as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. As I drove home, I thought about the possibilities that awaited me. And when I walked into the living room where Joe was just chilling, I smiled. "Hi Zo. How was work?" He looked really surprised seeing the smile on my face.

"Work was brilliant. I handed in my notice."

"Seriously? What are you going to do about work?" I explained all my thought processes that I'd considered before, when I couldn't sleep. That seemed to convince him that I would be able to support myself with it.

"I just need to put myself out there and say yes to the things I get offered." I could see the pride in his eyes as I said that.

"You know, I'm so proud of ya." I smiled to myself when I heard his Wiltshire accent come out. "But remember through thick and thin I'm always here for you." He gave me a huge hug again. I loved his hugs that he'd been giving me lately. He was becoming really good at it.

"You're becoming a really good hugger," I voiced, squeezing his back. See, a heart of gold.

"Mum and Dad talked to me earlier," he muttered onto my back. I pulled away from him to take a good look at him.

"You're allowed to cry, you know," I said softly, seeing a neutral look on his face.

"I know, I just don't feel like it." I looked at him, waiting for more. He sighed.

"Has it sunk in yet?"

"Sort of. Did you see it coming?" I shook my head. "Do you feel like... like you should have known? Seen the signs better?"

"All the time. It was completely out of the blue. I mean, there should have been indicators, but I didn't pick up on it. Do you feel that way?" He nodded. "What could we have done? We couldn't make them stay together, could we?" He shook his head. "We can help each other out though. In any way."

"Thanks, Zo." He smiled weakly. "You're a legend." His voice cracked and I could see he was getting teary.

"Here..." I brought him into my embrace. "I've got your back." Every now and then I felt him shake. I brought his head to my shoulder and rubbed the back of his head. "I love you so much, Broseph."

"I love you too, Zozebo." He stood back and we laughed.