❝She didn't sob or wail, her grief was horribly discreet

but, as persistent and almost as silent as bleeding from an unstitched wound❞

Why? was the every question in my mind. Why? was my every last thought.

Why did I tell him? Why didn't he react? Why didn't he say all of that, I expected him to? Why was he still there? Why I wanted him to leave? Why was I even thinking these things? So many whys.. haunted my head.

And now, we were walking inside his apartment, but suddenly, I was feeling this urge to run away.

Is it possible to feel numb and angry at the same time?

He had his arm wrapped around my shoulder, holding me together and close to him, but, I wanted to shrug it off. When he talked so softly and lovingly, showering me with his warm words, I wanted him to shut up.

I didn't deserve any of that. Why couldn't he see this, instead of, wasting his time here?

Entering the living area, he turned on the lights, letting it sweep away the darkness and turned to look at me with a lazy smile.

"Are you hungry, Snow?" He asked taking out his phone and continued "We can order Pizza, if you'd li-"

"Erm I um want to use the bathroom" I spoke up, cutting his sentence.

He raised his perfect little eyebrow at me, before nodding, "Well, it's-"

"I know" is all I muttered and turned around to walk away at the direction of his bedroom, the only bathroom I knew, but, stopped for a second.

"Hey, Ethan?" I looked over my shoulder, calling out his name.

He stared up from his phone screen, murmuring a soft "Yeah?"

"Order pizza"

His lips quirked up into a small grin as he replied in a playful manner "Of course, my lady"

I wandered my way towards the bedroom with millions of thoughts and voices from the past drumming against my skull. Her shouts ringing in my mind.

Stop thinking about it, Winter. You know, it's not what you think anymore. She apologized remember? She have regrets... just like you.

I kept repeating those words to myself with a tight fist as I entered the bedroom, which didn't change even the slightest bit, since I was here the last time.

Stop remembering. Rage like molten lava coursed through my veins as I tried to force myself to stop thinking, but, my brain didn't shut up. It liked reminding of my misery and see me torture myself.

I closed the door behind me and stood against the hard surface, trying to breathe properly.

"You killed her"

Stop it. You didn't! I closed my eyes and crimson and scarlet tainted my memories, the deep bitterness of the blood on my skin, that could not be wash away.

What was I trying to do? What was I trying to prove? How silly it was of me to think, that talking about things, that telling him everything would make any difference. I was wrong about it all, I thought, that the sadness was temporary and sharing it with someone, would make it less hurting.

I thought, I could do it, that after everything it would be fine. But, no painting turns out pretty, if you are using you own blood.

The blame engraved on my skin brutally, would always be there. The pain will always live in my heart, trying to consume my existence slowly, with it's own leaving behind. Nothing had change and it will never.

Except maybe, his thoughts about me. Was I killer for him too? Just an old broken record?

STOP IT, WINTER! STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, I yelled inwardly, but, nothing came out.

Red is what I saw, blinding my vision. Red like the anger of mine at myself, red like the every last droplet of blood scarred on her body, red like the color of shame that never painted my skin, red like the tears I wanted to cry in my sleep.

I grabbed the first thing, that my hand could reach and threw it against the wall, furiously. Stop it. And watched it, break into small pieces, a showpiece?

Hatred. Utter self loathing filled my senses as I grabbed the pillows from the bed and tossed them on the floor. I could still feel the weight heavy on my shoulder and I begged, begged myself to stop.

A part of me wanted to destroy everything along with myself and a part of me wanted to go back to him and tell him to make these wrathful thoughts leave my mind.

Why did I tell him? Now, the pity is all I would get, those pathetic looks following me around, in my sleepless dreams . What a tragedy, they would say. A cathedral of grief.

Will he look at me differently now?

I heard his voice faintly calling for me in the background, but, I almost missed it, as my eyes fell on the mirror in front of me. Standing ghost still, a reflection of a girl, I couldn't recognize.

I didn't know her. The girl with palest shade of skin, with dark circles haunting her eyes and an ugly scowl on her face, that couldn't be me. I hated her.

I hated how weak she was, I hated how she just starts crying, I hated, that she was never nice to anyone. I hated that, she had so many flaws, yet someone always manage to look past them. I hated her anger, I hated her weakling heart. But, most of all, I hated her mind. I fucking hated it all.

I looked in the mirror and thought, if I touch my body, does that mean it's still here?

"You are not my daughter"

I didn't know, how or when it happened. All I know, that I was just standing there, but, that sudden remembrance of her words, snapped something inside me. Something burned and stirred inside me, then my chest ached ached and... ached.

I didn't know when, but, I just grabbed the cologne bottle placed on the dresser and smashed it on the mirror in front of me. Shaking with temper that couldn't get out and when the mirror broke into thousands of pieces, crashing on the ground, I felt, something shattered inside me too.

"STOP IT!" I couldn't hold it, so I screamed. At what? I didn't know, but, I screamed looking down at the ruined pieces, as if someone was actually listening.

Footsteps, running down the hall, urgently and his voice following behind, then .. the door burst opened.

"What happ-- Shit! Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?" His soothing voice came beside me.

He tucked my arm to make me face him, but, I snatched it back, yelling "No. Just leave me alone. I just want to be alone"

Turning around, I kicked those mirror pieces and cursed myself. He had done nothing wrong. What was wrong with me? I went to grab the vase, but, he caught me from behind.

"Okay, you need to calm down, Snow" He said in a gentle tone, grabbing me to take me away from the mess.

I thrashed around in his grip, yelling and cursing in protest, but, he didn't listen. I glared at him, ready to take out my anger, but, I didn't got the chance.

He pulled me close to him, caging me in his embrace tightly as I felt my body colliding with his. I tried to break free, but, he didn't budge, so, I screamed against his chest, the sound muffled against his shirt.

I felt a wet sensation on my neck, like a water droplet as I continued howling against his body, fisting his shirt and made broken noises, wailing of agony. The moans full of pain.

-And then, I cried.

I let the tears fall endlessly, I let myself down and let him see my weakest side, my vulnerability and cried.

I cried my heart out in his embrace as he kept on holding on to me, because, for the first time in my life, I was not crying alone.

You guys have no idea, how many times I deleted and wrote, then re-wrote this shit. I was highly caffeinated and very much sleep deprived, so, sorry for the way it turned out. Hope you all like it.

Thank you so much for being patient with me, I know I suck at updating, but, you guys are the best. I was feeling a bit 'stuck' with this story, but, not anymore.

We're all set now and hopefully, you'll get to see some interesting stuff in upcoming chapters. Stay tuned!

That's all for now, until next time. Take care of yourself. Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy :)

Love, Zee...