❝She needs time, like we all do. Time to be okay with being okay. Because, feeling right after feeling wrong for so long, is the hardest thing to get used to❞

Insecurity was not something I was ever familiar with, because simply I had taught myself not to care about whatever I do or people and their opinion. Insecurity that eats you away and forces you to feel the need to be perfect, I was not familiar with it.

But insecurity is definitely what that punched me straight into my stomach, making it feel sinking, when I saw him talking to her.

It was not that insecurity that would make me angry just thinking about some other girl with him or anxiety that he would leave me for someone else.

No, this insecurity was something entirely different and not just lack of confidence.

He looked breathtaking as always sitting there with his teammates and other college students with a beer bottle swinging in his hand, engrossed in a conversation with her.

I always admired girls, their looks and never held back in telling them that and hence, she too was gorgeous.

With her flawless night skin and curly hair she was breathing charm. Her perfect smile dipping on her cheeks forming cute dimples and she wore a basketball jersey with a pair of ripped jeans.

Together they looked so.. perfect , completely absorbed in their talky little bubble of basketball, both of their passion.

And that's where insecurity struck me. He deserved to be with someone like her, charming and funny just like him. Sharing the same interests and goofiness.

Chugging down the last gulp of vodka, I slammed in on the table and again, looked at them. His smile was almost heartbreaking yet fixing it back together.

Too perfect. He was too perfect.

I was always told that all my life, I had done nothing but destroy. It was not easy to forget that, after all. I had destroyed someone's happiness, a family, an innocent's life and... an angel, how could I forget?

And in between all that mess, somewhere I destroyed myself too.

and that is the exact reason why I don't want him to be with me. He didn't know what he was signing up for or the worse, he would not even want to be with me himself, when he'll come to know.

He didn't know that I had a past in me, that I did not buried properly and some nights, it comes back right all the same. Tearing me apart with it's weapons, the tragic memories or that addictive regret.

There are some nights where I even couldn't bother to handle myself, to pick me up, then why should he?

I didn't want to destroy him.

I always wondered how many times the same thing can break your heart? Your mind and your soul?

As long as you don't get rid of it...

But the thing is, I could never get rid of it, like everything else, it had become a part of me and without it, I would be nothing. I had become used to my sorrow that being without it seems like a dream I would never want to have.

And if I couldn't get rid of my troubles, then Ethan had to get rid of me. Because he deserved better.

My eyes stung with fiery water and blinking to calm it down, I got up from my seat. I didn't know what came over me, but I wanted, needed to get out there, away from all those people that reminded me of nothing, but flaws. Flaws that I had.

Glancing at their direction one more time, I captured a mental picture of him and just by looking at him, my heart soared and broke at the same time.

With a bittersweet feeling and churning nerves, I pushed past the sweating bodies and walked towards the door.

When I stepped out and the chilly air greeted my loneliness with it's own, I nearly cried because of my twisted emotions. What did I want? I could never figure it out.

Letting out a sigh, I ran my fingers through my hair and began walking on the empty sidewalk. Tonight the moon seemed just as beautiful as ever, but ridiculously alone. The brightness of the light was not endless today, it was flickering.

With twinkles they were asking me questions, I sadly didn't know the answers.

A sad smile pulled up on my lips as I observed the quiet neighborhood, homes covered in a faint blanket of darkness, those small front yards glistening with water droplets dusting the grass.

My breathing halted for a second, when a distant memory flashed through my mind. A memory so familiar yet so foreign.

All the tears I held back started filling up. The growing rage in my chest, the increasing sadness in my head and the taste of blood, I had so often tasted in my mouth. There was screaming in my mind, waking up my memories and numbing me with them.

I took a few quick gasps of air, reminding myself to breathe. God, why did I drink?

It was like with each passing day, I was losing touch with my sanity and control. How long can someone live with a slow death everyday?

"Don't leave me, Snow"

It all came down on me out of sudden, one moment I was trying not to have a mental breakdown in the middle of barren night streets and the other, whirled around at his voice, as if affected by a ghost.

"What are you doing here?" I gaped, seeing him walking down the same sidewalk I previously stepped.

"I should ask you the same thing, what the fuck are you doing here? Don't you know how dangerous it is that you wander all alone at night?"

He looked angry, judging by his thundering voice and to avoid getting affected by that, I quickly braced myself.

I shook my head, stubbornly and said, hoping my voice doesn't crack "Why are you here? Leave. Go back to them"

His eyebrows pinched together as he stopped a few steps away from me, the cold night air winding the strand of his hair, hovering over his forehead.

"Why are you saying that? I don't understand..."

My head was buzzing with all the screaming in it, so I let out, a little more vulnerable than I intended "I am trying to leave, you shouldn't be stuck with me"

Something crossed his eyes, making his expression change so drastically and when he let out a deep sigh, he looked so... tired. Just by looking at him, that sickening feeling pruned my skin, was he tired of me? Did he finally realize that I was not at all the best? In fact the complete opposite.

"You should leave me alone, Ethan." my voice was nothing but a weak whisper, carried to him by the wind.

I was really tired of feeling that way, so... complicated and wrecked. Tired of trying to make sense of my twisted mind. He didn't deserve it, did he?

"Do you remember that night, we made a deal? When you promised me to have anything I want in return?" He began, calmly as if talking to a child, helping them understand.

It took me a moment to register what he had said as I blinked in surprise. Of course, I remembered the night he was talking about. It felt like yesterday and a long time ago, at the same time.

An unsettling anxiety perched in the pit of my stomach and my heart was beating loudly, trying to break free.

His gaze was locked on me, not moving the slightest as I nodded "Yeah, I do. So, what do you want?"

I had expected a lot of things, like him asking for finally an escape from me. Wanting me to stop bothering him with my problems, but what he replied next, blew away my mind and stole every drop of air from lungs.

"I want you."

Speechless and overwhelmed, I stared at him, never wanting to take my eyes off of him. In a meek tone, I asked "What?"

He didn't say anything and began taking steps towards me, hesitant at first, but then firmly confident and I didn't dare move from my place, because deep down I was waiting for him to reach me.

-And he did.

Slowly reaching for me, he closed the gap between us. Placing his hand on my cheek and letting his thumb brush it, soothingly. I knew there were tears in my eyes, never spilling, I wanted to blame it all on the vodka.

"You heard me. I want you and just not this, I want your laughs, I want you tears and flaws, I want your anger and want you to tell me everything that annoys you. I want you to know that I am here, no matter how hard you try to make me leave, because I want you and everything that makes you."

He looked deeply captivating, that I almost regretted blurting out, almost "I am a mess."

A soft chuckle escaped his mouth as he shook his head slowly, before resting his forehead against mine "Then, be my mess."

I felt his warmth overpowering my coldness, his blazing eyes peering down at me, made me gulp unconsciously and those arousing lips quirked up into a small playful smile.

"You are so cheesy, oh god."

Then, suddenly a laugh echoed in the night air. Buzzing with energy and for some reason, so goddamn happy, I laughed out loud, letting the world know, that I was joyous and that I forgave it.

I forgave the world for throwing all the cruel and torturous problems at me, for always trying to make me fall apart, for making me suffer, just because he was there.

I couldn't care less about the world, because that time it seemed that my entire world revolved around only one person, who was clutching me against his vibrating chest, joining me in my high.

"You wanna ditch the party?" He asked slowly, tugging a strand of my messy hair behind my ear.

Gazing up at him, I grinned, loving how his eyes lit up at the sight and answered "Thought you'd never ask."

~~~

My phone had been going crazy since the morning, going off continuously, but I didn't get the chance to answer it and later some time, it finally stopped.

Coach's assistant Piper denied to come back for work, so disappointed he found a new one, which was a very strict female named Laura with a strong body and sharper tongue, making me very delighted. I was finally free.

When I went to the gym for practices, I received this news and met Laura. But, it seemed like I was the only person happy, because of her, except the coach of course.

"I can't believe he hired her. I miss you Winter, please come back, it feels like I am being mentally molested when she looks at me with those big creepy eyes" Nate whined with a pout, grabbing the water bottle.

I chuckled under my breathe, crossing my arms over my chest amused and said "Oh please, you are just over thinking, besides I think you are too young for her"

"Yeah? What if she's a cougar?" He retorted, screwing open the cap.

My phone once again started ringing and cursing under my breath at the noisy tone, I excused myself.

Stepping at the corner, away from other guys, I checked the caller ID and instantly, a frown made its way on my face as I saw the unknown number.

Quickly picking up, I muttered "Hello?"

Suddenly anger raged through my chest and an unsettling feeling, almost like pain crawled up to my skin, when I heard her voice, instantly regretting my decision.

"Hello, Winter. Uh, it's me."

It's really hard to write, when you are being constantly distracted by the Internet, but I tried. Hope you all like it.

Stay positive and be happy. A smiling face is a beautiful face, a smiling heart is a happy heart :)

Love, Zee..