❝She belonged to him, not because it was something he demanded

but, because it was something she couldn't help❞

The dry parched burning of my throat woke me up the next morning. The bed I was laying on was a lot more comfier than my dormitory stone, those sheets too was silky and soft like a feeble caress of a lover on my skin.

My eyes fluttered open when I registered in a different environment. Dizzily, I scanned my surroundings in confusion. Pale gray walls, hastily arranged study desk, dull decoration, half closed wardrobe giving a small glimpse of a basketball jersey?

Shocked to my very core, I quickly sat up, but regretted it seconds later, when I felt a weak pain jolted through my body like electricity. Clutching my head, which felt so heavy and throbbing, I looked around horrified.

Too familiar. That room was too familiar and, then like the raging waves of an angry ocean, memories from last night came flooded in my mind, hitting me harder than a train.

Gulping I let the silence comfort me as I looked down at my dress, all wrinkled and covered with an unpleasant odor of alcohol and cigarettes. My hair too was destroyed, tangled in a rough manner.

Scared and Tired, I rubbed my palms over my face and peeked through the small gap of fingers, to see if he was there.

Thankfully he wasn't, which means I had enough time to get out of that bed and hopefully that place too, as soon as possible.

Throwing the duvet off of my body, I began to get up, looking around frantically. Just as I spotted my black platform heels neatly put against the bed leg, a hopeless memory from the previous night flickered in my vision.

Without thinking too much, I grabbed those heels and began to put them on. The pain in my head was hitting my every nerve, but that pain was nothing compared to the ache in my hollow chest as I clasped the strap.

My eyes fell on the glass of water placed on the table with an aspirin just beside. My heart soared at how considerate he had been and my mouth suddenly tastes like acid. Gulping, I discarded the pill and just went for the water.

Taking four-five big gulps of chilled comfort, I set the glass down and looked around for a second, memorizing every detail of his bedroom, it felt so intimate being so close to everything that reflected him.

I was a coward. Raising my hand to untangle my hair with my fingers, I rolled them into a bun to stop them from falling on my face.

My heart thudded against my ribcage loudly, praying for me to make a good decision, the one I wouldn't regret. I knew, If I walked out of this place now without confronting my emotions and leaving him without saying what I wanted to, I would regret it.

But, if I stayed and faced him, faced the things I had been running from so long, then at one point in future, I would regret it too.

So once again, burying whatever memories I had of him and this room, I took one last lonely glance, before turning to leave.

Twisting the doorknob, I quietly opened the door and peeped out my head. Empty. Letting out a thankful yet a loathing sigh, I stepped out of the room and slowly turned around, to close it.

"Planning to run away without a word, aren't you?"

I jumped up in surprise, when his voice suddenly came from behind, setting every cell in my body on fire.

With a regretful eyes and terrified look , I slowly spun around and met his relaxed, but warm eyes.

"That's not it. I was going to say bye" I placidly lied.

God, looking in those eyes just made me remember, what I was going to lose. Suddenly, a nuisance feeling hit me, when I realized that I was not supposed to be there. He was too perfect, too perfect and I was not worthy.

Everything felt coming crashing down on me and I was starting to suffocate. Standing there in nothing but black joggers, the tousled hair, sombre expression. Under the intensity of his eyes I was gasping for air inwardly, how do you deal with that?

A soft smile tucked up his lips, mixed with that softness was a pinch of sadness as he said "I was hoping to get breakfast together."

I gulped and tried to stay neutral. Even after all that I did, he was still there wanting to get breakfast with me, taken care of me.

God, I couldn't describe it. How his eyes could burn stars and how his smile was enough to light up the whole room and how looking at him filled me with guilt and hatred towards me.

No matter how I had regretted everything, I just couldn't bring myself to apologize.

he had to be angry, stay mad at me or better yet ignore me and walk away, then why wasn't he? I was giving him a reason to leave me, so that I wouldn't have to deal with the thought that I pushed him away.

My mind was so messed up.

"I don't usually prefer breakfast, so thank you, but no thank you." Simply I stated. Not too much, not too little.

He didn't know that I was trying to protect him. Protect him from the nights I spend sinking in tragic memories. From the day where I can't manage to form a single out of my mouth. From the things I don't deal with anymore.

He didn't know anything, whatever thoughts he had about me were wrong, I knew it.

Silence full of words lingered between us, when none of us said anything. Eyes bored into each other, looking for something to hold onto.

Breaking the eyes contact, I could no longer handle, I let out detached "I have to go"

He nodded understandingly. Not wanting to spend any more time there, I began to walk.

Because if I stayed even a second longer, I might do something I would regret in the future

- and I was afraid he would too.

He didn't move an inch, letting me walk past him and cherish the last featherly brush of our bodies.

Opening the door, my stomach dropped and an unknown feeling settled inside my chest aware of his caging gaze and that sullen energy radiating off of him.

I glanced over my shoulder, when his deep voice echoed loudly, silencing all the other noises, I was hearing in my head "Aren't you forgetting something?"

There could've been a plea in his tone or maybe it was just my mind messing with me. I didn't meet his eyes, averting my gaze away and muttering one last statement, before walking out of his apartment.

"I don't think so. Goodbye."

~~~

Cold wind rustled through my hair, tenderly kissing my cheeks and whispering all the secrets of comfort as I stood there, welcoming the isolation.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just cannot run away. Run away from the horror of your thoughts, tragedy of your life, the sorrow filled in your heart, like salt in an ocean, they become a part of you and thus, you run and run, but never escape.

I'd like to think of myself as a perfect example of that. I had gotten so used to the.. grief or just plain angst, that I didn't even know what I would be without it. There were parts of me which always begged to be pulled into the mouth of hatred, to sleep inside the melancholic comfort of memories, I was used to it.

Maybe that was the only thing that made me me. What would I be, if not desolated or lost?

"You skipped class today?"

Tilting my head, I looked at the source of the voice. Crouched down on the dirty pavement Sieve was watering those budding plants, later adjusting their ruined pot. Her hair for the first time was braided messily and it suited her.

"Yeah something like that. Didn't feel like going" I replied, gazing up at the cold and cloudy sky.

I had ignored him, completely shut him out, what did I expect myself else to do? I figured things were so much easier before, when we just used to disregard each other, never talk or just argue. They were so easy for me to handle.

This... whatever this was going on, I suck at dealing with it.

I was fine by myself, all alone, I preferred it that way. Even though people say they can handle me, I don't think they are as prepared as they think. My thoughts, my self destruct mode doesn't know convenience and I always ended up shutting down and shutting people out.

And I knew, at one point they'll get tired of me too, because I was so tired of myself.

"Well I hope, I am not prying, but did you break up with your boyfriend?" Sieve's question pulled me out of my thoughts.

Furrowing my eyebrows, I turned towards her, leaning against the wall and muttered under my breath "How can I break up with a boyfriend that never existed?"

She looked shocked, but quickly regaining her composure, she mused "What? I though--"

The sound of a squeaky rooftop door slowly opening, interrupted her. We both turned to look at the intruder and instantly, my posture went rigid, when I saw him. Of course, nobody knew about this place except him.

Threading his fingers through his hair, he glanced at Sieve direction, before his eyes found me.

Sieve literally looked about to freak out, when she looked at me wide eyed, then turned to look at Ethan, standing there in gray pullover and in his crown of messy hair.

For a moment none of us spoke, letting silence do the greeting. He was staring at me and I tried to sneak out of his gaze, meanwhile Sieve was just shifting her eyes back and forth between us, before standing up.

"I uh I think, I should get going yeah, I should definitely do that." Awkwardly grabbing her bag from the ground, she said "I'll um see you around, Winter."

It was almost funny, how quickly she scurried out of there, making sure to close the door on her way.

After a second, I finally said, ensuring my voice didn't betray any emotions, "What are you doing here?"

He looked so handsome that I almost whimpered as he shrugged "Came to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about" I retorted nonchalantly.

That's what I always had been doing. Whenever I felt like I don't deserve something, I always ended up ruining it.

Like right now, I didn't deserve him or whatever beautiful bond we shared.

"Why do you do that? Put up that 'I don't five fuck' act?" He provoked me and didn't feel even the slightest bit of something, when I glared at him.

Please leave already, don't make it too hard.

"It's not an act!"

"Sure" He rolled his eyes, shoving his hand in his pockets and began taking steps towards me, slowly. As if he was waiting to see how I would react.

I shook my head, stubbornly as a bitter taste burned my throat "You shouldn't be here?"

"You sure about that?"

He was getting closer with that intense look in his eyes and I was floating in the depth of his soul.

Everything started falling apart again. It's like everything I held onto for so long, was slipping right through my fingers and it scared me.

"Why are you doing this? Can't you see, I am trying to give you a reason to leave me the hell alone? You should leave, just fucking leave. You don't know, but trust me, It's really messe--"

I didn't even finish speaking when his warm lips covered mine, swallowing my every lying word.

I was shocked to my core, just standing there not moving as he kissed me, featherly touching my lips. His hand cradled my face and thumb caressed my cheek gently and so soft. His touch was so caring as if I was fragile, something to handle with care and affection.

As millions of emotions coursed through my veins and thoughts through my mind, tears rimmed in my eyes. I didn't know if those were tears of happiness or just relief, but they really did blur my vision.

Closing my eyes, I stopped them from falling and kissed him back, feeling him smile in victory against my lips. It was just a small light kiss, filled with tenderness and an unspoken promise.

When we finally pulled away, I let out breathlessly "Why?"

He smiled looking down at me and stroking my cheek, asked "Why what?"

"Why do you put up with me?"

His laughter rang in the air, a loudest melody of happiness and contentment as he wrapped his arms around me, crushing me against his solid body.

"Because, you are the biggest paradox I've ever known. You confuse me in every fucking way possible, but one thing is clear to me. Despite the absolute hot headed train wreck that you are, I sincerely cannot imagine a single moment of my day without you around me and I don't know what the hell to do about it."

There was a big fat chance, I wasn't breathing. His words sparked a heat on my cheeks and my body was burning in the flaming fire. But, above all one thing was clear, he was too perfect and again as I said I was not worthy. I didn't deserve him.

"I know you are blushing and my god, I really have to cherish this moment." His teasing tingled my senses.

I buried my face in his neck, inhaling his earthy mixed with a light cologne smell and couldn't help but sigh, muttering "I don't like you."

"Then, we really need to change that."

Chuckling at his words, I shook my head and pulled away a little to take a good look on his face. His eyes were my favorite gem and in moments like these, they would shine so brightly that it was hard not love them.

His smile radiating mild moon beams, inspiring to shine in the dark. I raised my hand and traced his jawline, his stubble brushing against my fingertips.

Out of sudden, he grabbed my wrist and with a smirk, placed his lips on mine once again, stealing my breath.

I knew one hundred little things about him, but when he kissed me like that, I couldn't remember my own name.

I really am sorry for updating so late. My mind has been so messed up lately that distancing myself from everything and everyone is all I can think about and do, exams too are sucking every inch of patience from my body.

And with this anxiety and stress, it's literally taking everything in me to not to jump off of a fucking cliff. It's just me being dramatic, don't mind me.

Beside that, I would like to thank all of you for taking your time to read this story. Your comments and kind words never fails to bring a smile on my face, it means everything to me. Thank you so much for your votes and support... even though I suck at updating and well everything?

I love you guys so much. Thank you truly, for being here.

Love and treat yourself from me, stay positive. Smile, happiness looks gorgeous on you :)

Love, Zee..