《We All Die, In The End》Always

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8 years ago I met you and thought you were a total jerk. But I got to know you and throughout the years realized you aren't as mean or tough as you want to seem. You and I had our ups and downs but I tried to be there through it all. I remember in second grade on the playground at daycare, there was a hole in the ground near the fence where all the cool kids hung out. You took me over there and said that if I sung a song for you, you would tell me if you liked me / had a crush on me or not. I never got the chance to sing because this kid named Dalton kept coming over and asking us to play kickball. That was the first time I realized I had feelings for you. And so it begins. In 6th grade you asked me out and I wanted so badly to say yes. I thought it was a joke so I refused. I crumbled up your note into a little ball and threw it in the bottom of my bookbag hoping I could do the same with my feelings. You played "I hate you I love you" for me on your Chromebook and we sat in math class listening to the song on repeat. That song is still one of my favorite songs, and I still have that note pressed in between the pages of a notebook. In 7th grade you and I had a document that we talked on 24/7. I told you things that I never told anyone before and you did the same. You always sent me songs to listen to and they were always love songs. I was scared to think that maybe you were trying to tell me how you felt through song, so I decided to ignore it thinking I was reading too much into it. But then around Christmas time you came straight out with it and told me you'd liked me for years. There was no way I was going to ignore that, so I told you I felt the same way and yet still nothing happened between us. I also remember all the Summers when we would stay up late talking on Instagram. there was one night I was in the car on my way to Florida we were talking and you called me beautiful. Not hot, not pretty, not cute, it felt more special somehow. Like you were looking at the inside not just the outside. But none of that matters now. This year has been excruciating. All summer I looked forward to seeing no one more than you, we come back to school and I find out you're dating her. That's probably been the most difficult thing to face all year, more than grades, more than any of my family's crap. The hardest part of this entire year was to watch you love another girl and for me to have to smile and act like I don't give a damn. But I do. I really, really do. So I just wanted to tell you, before this year ends, before I have to pretend to move on, pretend that I'm over you, pretend that I won't miss you more and more each passing day. I wanted to tell you that I love you so freaking much. I always have. Nothing you've ever done or said, or ever will say or do could ever change that. I will always be here right here if you ever need anyone. I'm willing to stay in the friendzone the rest of my life if that's what you want. I just don't want to lose you. Tell me to f*** off if that's what you really want and I'll leave. I just want to see you happy and know that I did my best and tried my hardest to make this work. I'm sorry to make things more complicated than they already are. I tend to do that.

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