[13.9.2022]

the line between love and hatred is blurred and i can't draw a straight line without my vision turning hazy. i am loved because i am you and i am hated because i am you. i crave to be loved and to feel the hug of a progenitress but i want to carve off my skin with a flaming knife when your touch burns me. i am myself before i am your young but i was born and given the responsibility of a caretaker before my time.

the girl in the mirror is only a girl. if you look closer you'll see the bolstering anxiety and tribulations all over her body. bruises and scars that never faded only points as reminders that it was never easy and it doesn't get easier. i want to scream until my throat gives out if only the marks would disappear.

i wish i could love you gently and cradle you while you cry through your horrible life but who gave you the authority to ruin mine? it's an endless cycle of i am loved when i succeed but i believe i will be stepped on and left for dead when i fail. my lucky stars have been on my side but when they're gone i won't be as strong to fend for myself and for you and for all of us in which i was given the task to care for.

it's confusing because i hate your little quirks like your endless need for attention and dramatic series of sadness but what if i told you i understood why? sparks of irritation bolts through my body but the love i carry for you softens the electrocution. i could've been paralysed if only hatred conquered the scale. i hope you understand how i feel because it's such a shame that you've passed down the trauma while you believed you were the one to break the cycle.