I do not know what to think about first. The fact that he has feelings for me? The fact that he must have hidden it from me for a long time? Or the fact that he talked about it with y/n?

"I..." my brain bugs out. "Since when...? Like...are you sure...? Why do you suddenly feel..." I regret my words without even finishing my sentences. I should think twice before talking right now, but I do not know how to do it anymore. "I like you since you kissed me...for the first time...I'm so sorry, Jungkook...I just never wanted to tell you because I know you're not into guys...and I didn't want to ruin us, I didn't want to lose the only person I have in my life..."

I gulp down and press my lips together. What am I supposed to say? How am I even feeling about this?

"Why is y/n the one who told you to talk about it with me...?" I ask what needs to be answered the sooner possible, feeling the anxiousness run through me at the speed of light. "Because she's the one who made me let my feelings out. She made me feel like I shouldn't keep it to myself anymore...she made me feel safe and comfortable enough to do it...so I told her about it first since I was scared of your reaction and didn't plan on confessing to you...but she told me she expected this, that she knew...and she wanted me to talk about it with you because first, she wants you to know that she is alright with this, that she's not mad at me, and she wants to make sure you won't be scared to lose her because of this because she will still love you no matter what happens..." he reveals everything.

Those are words that I know y/n would say for sure. We talked about it so many times, I know she would give this type of speech.

"I'm sorry for doing this now, Jungkook..." he apologizes again, but now that I got y/n's point of view, I clear my thoughts and breathe out. I need to know what I am feeling exactly.

"Don't say sorry..." I find a way to speak and not remain speechless in front of him. This will only hurt him and not help at all.

I step away to take a break and think, and I sit down on my bed but look at him, shaking from head to toe on his spot.

What if what I have been feeling for him was nothing but love that is deeper than a friendly one? This cannot be true. I do not fall in love with guys, I never did, and I cannot believe that I would.

Now that I think about all this, from all the things that we did together since that kiss, the hugs, the touches, the night spent together, to all the things that we said to each other, all the 'I love you', the 'Baby', and many other words, everything always meant more to him. It has been years, I dated in front of him, I loved in front of him, and he never showed a single hint of jealousy or pain to me. He hid this from me so easily, this is unreal and so painful to get to know about it and see all of those from his point of view.

"Do you want me to leave...?" his voice snatches me out of my head, and I realize that I have remained silent for long minutes. "Stay here..." I shake my head. "And sit down, please...I can't stand to see you in this state," I do not have the power to put my eyes on him anymore, fighting against myself to know what my body and brain want, what they feel, and what they might have been making me go against.

I am in love with y/n, she means so much to me, she makes me happy, she makes me feel the butterflies only a lover can make you feel, she calms me down with her voice, her words, her presence, she makes me feel lonely when she is not around, when she is away as if a part of me was missing, and my heart beats so fast when she touches me, says my name, or tells me she loves me. When I look at her or hold her in my arms, I know I will always smile. When she is not okay, I know I will always feel down and worried, but also get much more power to take care of her and make sure she is alright.

When I compare all those to what I feel when this is Hojun...

Why the hell is everything so similar? She cannot have been right since the beginning.

If it was someone else instead of me, I would have called them dumb and believed that they are just telling bullshit. Who cannot recognize what romantic feelings are? Who the fuck can make themselves believe that they always felt friendly love for someone when it has always been romantic? This is impossible. You must be dumb as heck to not realize you fell in love with someone.

The loudness in my head overpowering the quietness in this room full of tension, I drag my eyes towards the only person in here, who is sitting on my gaming chair, but feel weird.

I do not feel different. I do not feel like something shocking has been revealed. It is still the same inside of me, the only thing that differs from usual is the effect it has on my brain. As if a lock had been opened and that it released what it was withholding and disguising.

Not knowing what to do to understand what is happening inside of me, not knowing the solution to this when my selfishness tells me to not mess up since I need to keep y/n and Hojun for myself, I lose my brain, my mind, and I stand up to head towards Hojun.

I bend over him and put my hands over the armchair to grip it, but he leans back out of surprise, and I set my eyes on his red and puffy ones to stare into them.

"Tell me..." I speak after an eternity. "Tell me the words..."

Feeling overwhelmed by this sudden action, he does not react instantly. His eyes peek down at my lips and show nervousness for the first time, before connecting them back to mine. "What...?"

"You know what words I'm talking about, Hojun. Say them again whole looking into my eyes...Tell me why you feel that way, why I make feel that...why this kiss changed everything..." I ask for him to do this.

"I love you...?" he gives me what I want and says them again. "I...I feel that way because you make me feel like that...I don't know...You make me feel what I always wished for, you treat me like no one ever did, and like no one else will ever do...you just..." he breaks eye contact again, doing something he never did in the past. This is like if he had unveiled this side of him when he confessed to me. "You make me feel what someone would never expect to feel because of someone real...like...I don't know how to explain...I feel stupid..."

"Don't...I want you to tell me exactly what you feel. I wanna hear everything now, Hojun...I don't want you to hide anything anymore...this is useless..." I spur him to use the words he wants to use, but his body remains stiff as if he was afraid of those feelings I want him to talk about. "I feel...good when I'm with you..." he shrugs to express some incertitude. "When y/n talked to me about what I feel for you...she made me realize that maybe...this wasn't wrong to love someone from the same gender and be attracted to them...that I wouldn't be hated or wouldn't hurt someone that I care about for feeling like that. She made me realize that...without you..." he slowly tears up again, the emotions taking a toll on him tonight. "...I don't know if I'd still be here...and that now...I know I'll never be able to live if you're not near me. I know no one else will ever make me feel like that...and I hate it...I hate to tell you all those things because I'm putting pressure on you and making you feel bad...I love to see how happy you are with y/n, how much she makes you feel so...so good, and how much love she gives you...and I wouldn't want you to lose her because I decided to come in-between with my feelings..."

I do not respond to those words that, to me, are stupid. How can he say that he would come in-between us? Why does he always have to feel like he is a problem to everyone?

I know the answer to this, but I wish he would not feel that way anymore.

"When you kissed me...I knew it meant nothing to you...but I don't know why...I felt weird, and my heart was beating so fast, but I thought it was wrong and that it was just some stress because I never kissed a boy and that my dad would kill me and be disappointed in me for doing that...I thought a boy couldn't fall in love with another boy because my dad always taught me this cannot happen but that you must be sick if it does happen to you...that a boy must be disowned by his parents if he likes another boy...so I didn't take this seriously, but then it kept on growing, you changed my point of view, you taught me so many things...you made me grow and become a better person...and I knew at some point that what I felt on that day was love and nothing else..." his words flow out of his mouth as if he had prepared this scenario on paper and learned them all before coming here.

My heart is pounding. What is happening to me?

"I love who you are...I love everything about you, even your flaws...I cannot control it...and I'm not asking or waiting for anything from you...I'm happy with the way everything goes between us...I'm not expecting anything more...but I just wanted you to know..." he shakes his head, but I do not move, I can only stare through his soul.

The beating of my heart, the assumptions, the thoughts, every little thing he provokes to me is ruining me, and I do not even know what I am feeling anymore.

I crush an arm of the gaming chair without even realizing it, and a rush of guilt and fright engulfs me.

My eyes drop their focus on his lips, I freeze for a moment, and I remember this first kiss we had, the one we had not long ago. How did I feel when that happened?

I raise my eyes up to his almond-shaped ones, and I loosen my grip. I snap out of this, and I pull away.

I should never feel like this. This feels like I am betraying y/n, like I betrayed her, cheated on her. I cannot stand this feeling at all, and this is destroying me in the blink of an eye.

"I should...I should talk to y/n..." I avoid looking at him. "Yeah..."

I do not turn around but get hold of my phone, and the sound of the door getting opened brings my attention to it. Hojun steps out of the room, but I wait before leaving.

Y/n must expect me to need to talk to her, but what am I going to tell her once I face her? I have to be honest, I cannot hide the fact that I hate myself for what I feel. I do not know what is right or wrong anymore.

The anxiety stressing me out to a sickening extent, I decide to put my shoes on and walk out of my room. I leave this building to head towards the one where y/n is, and I enter it but make it quick since I do not want to be stopped by a warden.

I walk up the stairs and make my way to her room to knock on the door. I do not know what she is going to say or think, but I just want her to know I love her more than anything.

The door opens in front of me, my heart racing, as soon as my eyes meet hers, a strong blow of heat and fright spreads through my chest. She smiles at me as if everything was alright, as if she was unaware of the situation. "Come in," she steps back to let me enter her room, and I do so to see her close the door behind me.

"This is about Hojun, right?" she guesses it, and I nod to her but feel a wave of emotion overpower me. I stare into her eyes, mine getting filled with tears.

"I'm so lost, y/n..." I do not lie or pretend to be fine, but she comes closer, and surprisingly, she puts her arms around me. "Do you love me?"

"I do, I love you more than anything, you have no idea. You're so important to me," I let go and hug her back to cry, and she rubs my back but moves her head to look up into my eyes. "Why are you lost then?"

"I just..." I shake my head, showing my real emotions to my girlfriend for the first time. "I love Hojun, he means the world to me, but this is...this is different love, right...?"

"When you compare what you feel for me to what you feel for him, what is different?" she brings up what I thought about earlier but could not figure out. "The effect your touch, your eyes have on me...I'm attracted to you as much as I love you, but with Hojun..." I look away to find the words. "I don't know..."

"When you look at him, what do you feel?" she asks, helping her to explain myself. I shrug, not knowing what to say for sure. "I know that when you touch me, my heart beats faster, and I feel soft, I feel calm, safe, and I want more...When it's Hojun...my heart doesn't beat faster, but I love to have him in my arms, it makes me soft and calm as well, but it's not as strong as it is with you."

"And when he kisses you?" her voice quietens, and I gaze at her. "I find it cute...and when I kiss him or hug him back, I know it makes him feel safe, and that's why I love it."

"And..." her eyes switch between both of mine as she is looking for a way to put an end to this.

"Don't lie, Jungkook. Hm?" she sounds as if she was not trusting my words. I lift my hands up to her face to cup and stare deep into her eyes. "I'm not lying to you, y/n. I swear. Don't misunderstand this, please..." I freak out, feeling like this is not going the way she said it would if one of us had feelings for each other. "I'm not misunderstanding, Jungkook. I just want to help you realize and know what you truly feel."

I give up on thinking and wrap my arms around her neck to lean forward and rest my head on hers. "I'm scared to lose one of you...y/n."

She remains quiet, not saying anything about this.

"Why would you have felt if he kissed you after confessing? Knowing that I would have been okay with it, how would you have truly felt?" she questions me as if the truth was the only thing she wanted to end this with. I stare down at the ground, my tears blurring my sight.

I put myself into this situation to know how to reply. "I don't think I would have been able to react because of the shock."

"And you'd be jealous if another guy was kissing him, wouldn't you? Or maybe you've already felt jealous because you saw him hug someone else?" she finds the right questions to ask, knowing where the weakest spots are. With shame for what I am feeling because of this, I nod but cannot let the 'yes' out of my mouth.

"I think you should take time and then talk to him about it..." she does not try anymore, leaving me in some incertitude and worry. This is my fault after all. "Maybe the weekend? You think about all this...I don't know."

"But what's gonna happen if I tell him I love him too? It can't go that way," I move back to say the obvious. "Why not? You said you love us both. You said it many times. Why do you doubt now that it is brought in a serious talk? Don't try to avoid or deny anything, this won't help at all, Jungkook. If he means the world to you and that I do too, I believe that the answer is evident."

"Oh, and how is that gonna solve the problem if I do say that I indeed love you both and cannot pick one more than the other because you're both at the same damn level to me?" I stress out and lose my composure without wanting to, wishing I could go back in past and find a way to avoid this. She takes her arms away from me, and she puts them behind her back. "Is it gonna be better to love us both but pretend not to? This is gonna free you from all the stress it causes you, and that way, if you finally let your feelings out, you can love us both without fearing to hurt or lose one of us. I know this is the reason why you feel like you do right now because you are in a position that makes you feel like you are bound to pick between one of us, but to you, that means you're gonna hurt or lose one of us. That's why you cannot make up your mind. The thing is that you won't lose neither of them," she clears my thoughts better than I do it. "And I'm not forcing you to do one thing in particular, but I just want you to be honest with yourself, Hojun, and I. And in my opinion...you wouldn't be in this state if you knew that Hojun is a best friend to you and not more..."

I stare at her, hearing what I cannot even own up to. She knows me more than I thought she did.

"I know and understand that you both are very close and that Hojun means everything to you, but having a girlfriend, who you love, and not being able to stop the kisses, the hugs, the nicknames, and all that stuff that is intimate with him, or also being terrified by the thought of not having him near you all the time but live away from each other, shows that deep inside, you feel more than a friendship love. It doesn't even have to be romantic love, it can platonic, but here, I just don't know what exactly is on your mind," she makes me comprehend that I am the only one who can know what to do. "I've never been in this type of situation, so I cannot understand how you feel right now since to me, it's easy to know if you love someone as more than a friend or not, so I don't know...maybe try to talk it out with Hojun again."

"So...you're telling me that you'd be okay with us three being together?" I summarize this whole conversation we had, but she keeps her eyes fixed on mine and does not show any indecision. "If you love two persons at the same time, isn't the answer obvious?"

I sigh, not liking the hesitation and the headache this issue gives me.

"Be honest with me, and this will make it even clearer," she makes me look at her again. "Have you ever had or felt sexual desire for him? Sexual thoughts? Have you ever felt something sexual for or because of him?"

I stand still, recalling the number of times we took showers together, the number of times he teased me, even if it was to supposedly 'annoy' me.

"You're not dumb, Jungkook. You know whether you ever felt something like that or not," she points out so that I cannot even attempt to ignore what my brain is bringing back.

"I never did, y/n. Otherwise, I would have told you," I tell her the truth. She gazes down at the floor. "Alright...Let's just...take this weekend, I mean, you should take this weekend and think about all this, what I told you, what he told you...okay?"

I cannot go back to my room and stay all alone, in the dark, with my thoughts only.

"Can I sleep here, with you?" I ask, hoping for her to not refuse because of the situation we are in. She takes a look at her bed, but her eyes meet mine again, and she nods.

Now that we put an end to this, we both do not say a single word. She sits down on her bed and gets rid of the books that are on it to tidy up. "You can take a nap if you want," she places the pillows and plushies in another manner to let me have some space, so I join her on the bed and lie down on my left side to have her in front of me.

My head is full of thoughts, of noises, and pressure. This is horrible. I just want to fall asleep, wake up, and realize this was nothing but a nightmare.

Probably feeling tired because of this, she gets in the same position as I am in, and she turns the lamp off but covers our bodies with the blanket, and she gets hold of her phone.

I cannot take my eyes off of her. I am scared, genuinely scared to have lost a part of her tonight.

I am so exhausted, but at the same time, so anxious that I feel like I am never going to sleep a wink all night.

Without saying a word, she drops her phone back on the nightstand and moves under the blanket to get more comfortable.