"Don't you have feelings for each other? Have you ever felt anything more than brotherly love?"

I smile at this question but understand her point of view, and why she has a hard time believing that we are nothing more than friends. "I...No," I shake my head. "I never had romantic feelings for him, he's really just...I mean, I know that I say that I love him, and I hope you don't misunderstand that, but I love him and not romantically. It's obvious that it is not a simple friendship, but I don't know how to explain," I put my chopsticks down, feeling nervous in this situation. I never know how to explain myself and make sure the person I talk to does not think I am lying to myself and them as well.

I clear my throat and look down at the table. "I can't really tell you too much about his life because this is private, and I'm not sure he would want you to know about this yet, but to make it short and pretty clear, he has never been loved by his dad, he's never been treated like he should have, he's scared of him, but the worst about it is that he blames himself for everything that happens to him. He doesn't realize that he's not at fault, he just believes that he's stupid and that he's not a good son so that it is why his dad has the right to treat him like that, but I've been aware of that since we became close, I lived some moments that were terrifying and kinda traumatic which got me to not want to let him go back to his house anymore unless I'm by his side. So...I feel like all those things made me get very attached to him, and I know that I'm the only one he trusts, the only who he knows truly love him, the only one in who he can find comfort, and who he knows will never leave him...you know...and on top of that, I'm the type of person who doesn't give a damn about what a friend shouldn't do with another friend if that makes sense."

"Does that mean, like, you don't mind doing the thing with a friend?" she quickly slips this question between my words. "No, that's not what I mean by that. I mean..." I sigh but chuckle in an anxious way. "I don't want you to think that I'm a fuckboy or something okay? I will never do it with a girl if she's not my girlfriend. However...there's something different with boys. I am a very curious person, and I'm not scared to be honest about what I want, so I meant by that, I'm not like 'Oh, I'm straight', or 'No, I'm not gay or bi', I really don't give a damn about those labels, so if I want to kiss a boy, I kiss him, and I'm not gonna be like 'Yeah, but that maybe means that I'm low-key bi', I won't think or care about it."

"Ah alright, I see," she does not make me feel uncomfortable by being judgmental, and I feel the relaxing effect of this release the tension in my body. "That's why I don't mind kissing or hugging Hojun, but again, Hojun is special. It's just that I don't care about what people might say or think about my sexuality because I know that I can only do that with guys, and not girls because I won't fall in love with a guy while I know that if I ever start to kiss a girl or do more with her like hugging, letting her give me nicknames and act like my girl, I'm going to catch feelings, and I'll end up falling in love with all my female friends because physical affection can quickly turn into one-sided love and ruin a friendship since I easily fall in love with someone."

"And have you already kissed Hojun on the lips?" she continues, her curiosity leading her. "Well...we already kissed each other, but the thing is that it happened around two years ago. We were just chilling together, and that was only a few weeks after I broke up with my first girlfriend, but we were watching TV together because it was summer, and we went to the beach for a whole week that we spent alone in one hotel room that my parents paid for us, and like, we came back from a busy day, we were tired and ate dinner, then we got on my bed to watch a drama because Hojun didn't want to be alone on his bed—"

"Wait, you spent a whole week all alone?" she points this out as if this was surprising, and I nod. "Yeah, that was cool as ever."

"I wish I could stay a whole week at the beach, but anyway, you can keep going," she feels and for cutting me off, but I smile at her. "We could go this summer, you know."

"No, I don't have enough money for that. I'm pretty sure the hotel rooms are expensive as ever," she believes I am going to let her say no and not pay for her. "I'll pay for you, don't worry," I run my fingers through my hair. "But whatever," I do not give her an occasion to say something against it again, and I continue my sorry. "So we watched that drama, but he received a text from one of his friends, and they both started to FaceTime, but I knew that guy too, and at some point, he was like 'You're so gay, you need a girl to change your mind' because he knew we were together in a hotel, so at first, I let it pass, but then he came back saying 'I swear if you ever kiss a guy, you're not my friend anymore', and I didn't like it at all, so I kissed Hojun to shut that little shit up, and that's how we kissed, but I was so mad about what that guy said to Hojun that I kissed him but with my tongue and made sure that asshole would see it."

She gapes at the sound of this story she must not have expected to hear. "Damn, you did good," she giggles, not feeling disgusted like most people would do if I was telling them about this. "And so, how was the kiss?" she sneers, but I shake my head. "Why are you curious about this? Uh?" I put some irony into this to not be serious anymore, but she laughs and eats. "I'm curious about everything."

"Sure, you don't need to know if he kisses well," I grab my spoon to continue to eat the delicious food and remove the meat from the grill. "I just wanted to know if you liked it."

"I did," I do not mind telling the truth but the coyness snatches my confidence away and makes me laugh. "But don't tell anyone about this."

"I won't, don't worry," she gives me her word, but after all those things I revealed about myself I want to question her as well. "What—"

"And—" we both cut each other off at the same time, so I do not go say the rest of my sentence but let her go ahead. "Tell me."

"No, you can tell me," she starts an unnecessary argument, so I shake my head. "I wanna hear you."

"Alright," she swallows the rice that is in her mouth and smiles. "Are you sure about Hojun's feelings?" she asks what I cannot ever answer with certainty, and I keep the tip of my chopsticks stuck between my lips while musing. "I...Yeah, I am. I mean, we've been so close for so long, I don't think he'd hide the fact that he has feelings for me so well. Like," I hold my chopsticks down and look in her direction. "I know he might maybe hide his real sexuality because of his dad, but I don't think he'd hide it from me."

"And do you think that he might be bi but that the fact that his dad makes him feel bad for it might cause him to feel ashamed and not tell anyone about his attraction to boys? That he maybe acts like he's joking but that deep inside, he does feel something for you," she makes a good point, but I still cannot believe that he would not tell me about it. "It's...maybe possible, but I highly doubt it. He knows I wouldn't be against it, I..." my thoughts mess me up as her opinion set me in some apprehension. "I mean...No, really. I know he would tell me. I know that I told him I don't catch feelings for guys but...I don't know."

"No matter what it is, you both have a special relationship, so I hope you'll always be happy and together," she melts my heart with her care and honesty, supporting me and understanding me like no other girl that I liked ever did. It feels so reassuring. "I hope the same too."

•••

"Did you eat well?" I walk back to the dorms with her and face the girls' one to be by her side until the very last minute. "I did, I enjoyed tonight a lot. It was great to know more about you and Hojun," she shares what I did not dare to say, and I smile. "I did too. It was a good night."

"Are you going to sleep right now?" she does not get inside yet, gazing at me and chatting for a little more. "Not right away, and you?"

"Same, but it won't take too long for me to doze off," she expresses some tiredness, and I relate to her but remain silent. "I need to...tell you something though. I'm not sure I should, but I feel like you have to know..."

"Tell me, what is it about?" I stress out because of this sudden suspense, but she does not beat around the bush for too long. "I...When I visited Hojun to bring him the food, I noticed that he was, like, his eyes were red and puffy. It really looked like he was crying or cried. I don't know, but I just felt like I had to tell you."

No way this is happening again.

He is telling me that he is okay, even though he is not at all but trying to deal with the pain on his own. I am sick of his parents.

"Thanks for letting me know, I'm gonna check up on him. It's...I'm used to this, don't worry about anything," I make sure that she does not concern herself with this. "Alright, I hope he's fine."

"He is. Focus and take care of yourself though," I remind her of what matters the most to me, and the delight she feels gets told by her features. "I will. Take care of yourself too."

"Take care too," she stands in front of the doors, making me feel like she wants to do or say something. I wait while staring into her eyes, but she smiles at me, and I understand what she wants.

I lean forward and hold her jawline with one hand to press my lips on her cheek. I give a gentle peck to it, then I break the contact but repeat this action in one of the most gentle manners possible. "I'm not a coward," I look back into her eyes and grin, before stepping away to leave.

I hope that was what she was hoping for because it was what I wanted to do.

Anyway, now I have to go to Hojun's room and check up on him, so I enter the dorm and make my way to the first floor, walk through the hallway and stop in front of his door to knock on it.

A few seconds are enough for him to open the door but show some surprise. "Hey, what's wrong?"

I keep my attention on his eyes the most to make sure he has not cried, but some relief takes that worry away from me. "Nothing, I just wanted to see you. Are you busy?"

"I'm not, and the asshole is out with his friends, so I'm chilling," he steps back to let me in, so I get inside, and he closes the door. "How was it with y/n tonight?"

"Really good, we talked a lot," I sit down on his bed and take my jacket off, and he drops his body next to mine, but I cannot help smiling at how small he looks in his sweat shorts and the grey oversized hoodie I bought him on his birthday. "What were you doing?"

"I was watching a stream," he indicates his laptop with a movement of his head, but since I am not about to leave soon, I lean back on the wall behind us and grab his laptop. "Whose stream?"

"The guy who always wears his black cap," he reminds me of this one boy who he already called 'hot as hell', so I open the device and enter the password that I know. "What is he playing today?" I ask him without waiting to see the screen give me the answer. "Friday the thirteenth, with some friends."

"Hm," I put the laptop next to me now that we can hear them play, and I lean on Hojun to wrap my arms around his body. "Ugh...it was so stressful..."

"Why? What happened?" he takes this embrace and enjoys it, so I bury my face in the crook of his neck and relax after all the anxiousness this night gave me. I wish I was more confident around y/n, I keep on feeling like I mess up every moment with her, and I hate myself for that. "We talked a lot, but I should have taken her to a special place or something...I'm scared she might have been disappointed, and I always want to get closer, to hug her, but I'm a coward as soon as I'm in front of her."

"Stop saying that, I'm pretty sure she enjoyed her time with you. The fact that you asked to go out with her must have made her so happy already," he reassures me with his soft words, and I smile but do not believe so. "I'm gonna ask her," he grabs his phone to give me proof, and I do not even hold back. I'm pitiful.

I fix my eyes on his phone screen while he is typing, but I try to broach the topic that needs to be mentioned. "I didn't ask you the other day though...How was she when she was here with you?"

"She was...like she is all the time, I don't know. What does that mean?" he does not get it but sends the text he wrote, and I get a bit more specific. "I don't know...you said it touched you a lot. Were you not feeling okay at that moment?" I bring it up, subtly, and I look at his features without losing go off him. "Hm? How were you feeling?"

He shrugs, making it obvious he is about to tell a lie. "Just like I feel most of the time."

"And what does that mean?" I ask him to say some clearer words, but he lifts his hand up to his mouth and starts to toy with his lips. "Why do you suddenly ask me that?"

"Just wanna know," I do not let him know about what y/n told me, but he does not say anything, he keeps his eyes on his phone but nibbles on his inner cheek, and I do not even need to ask anything, I know what is happening. "Hey," I pull him close to hold his body against me as some tears already rolled down his face, and the emotions become too strong for him to hold them back.