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"I hate this smell."

My stomach was upset and my entire body trembling ever since we'd left our house. The thought of our baby being born sooner than expected was giving me anxiety, and I couldn't wait for the doctor to return to let us know what was going on.

"Yeah... I'm not a fan of it either..." Jordan chuckled, kissing my knuckles.

"I want to go home" I whined.

"We will... Just try and relax, ok? You heard the nurse, this is probably normal, especially with the first baby" Jordan tried to calm me down.

"Yes..." I nodded, but the beeping from the ECG machine, the smell of disinfectant and the busy sound of the ER wouldn't let me calm down.

Apparently, contractions at this point in the pregnancy were normal – not fun, and definitely scary, but normal. Jordan had run into the ER and a nurse came back with a wheelchair. They took me in, quickly gave me a full physical and we were now waiting to be told what to do.

"Hello, dear." The ER doctor smiled as she pushed through the curtains "How are we feeling, now?"

"Still anxious," Jordan admitted to the tall doctor.

"Oh, well... You're fine, the baby is fine. Nothing to worry about. Good news is she has turned." The doctor smiled and her dark eyes were two slits of good humour "Contractions at this point are quite normal, darling. You should take the next few weeks very slowly. Rest, keep yourself hydrated, well fed and have a proper sleep every night."

"We've moved to our new house." Jordan's smile was apologetic "Although she's not allowed to lift anything, we've been organizing everything for when the baby comes."

"Well, of course, you have." The doctor chuckled "Even so, try and take breaks in-between your moving and organizing. Daddy could even make you a nice massage by the end of the day."

"Oh, I like that." I chuckled at a grinning Jordan "And it's doctor recommended."

We went back home and thank God, Angela had cleared the house. She had made dinner at hers and was in our dining room setting the table when we came in. I was glad for our friends, but I really needed some alone time and not ten different people asking twenty different questions.

"Oh, darling...!" Angela came to hug me as we made through the door "False alarm?" At my nervous nod, she smiled "Well, this happens, you know? C'mon, I've made a casserole – have a seat and let's eat. Uh, the juice!"

She went into the kitchen and Jordan took that opportunity to lean in and kiss me. I tried to smile around my nervousness, but he could see right through it.

"How're you feeling, love?" He sighed, caressing my massive belly.

"Ok." I assured him with a tense smile "I was really scared, to be honest. I thought... something was wrong with her, you know?"

"Nothing is wrong. You're healthy, the baby can't wait to be here... We're home..." He smiled, winking "Everything is fine. You really should just rest, you know? Let me and the guys deal with the diy."

"I want to prepare the baby room." I sighed "I really want to do it myself."

"Not by yourself, though." He assured me with a tense sigh "Alright, tell you what: bed rest over the weekend, breakfast in bed, massages, Netflix and chill, and come Monday morning we'll be back at it. How about that for a deal?"

"Not the worst deal I've been offered." I had to smile, kissing his nose "Ok, you've got yourself a deal."

***

WEEKS: 3-8

I was humming to myself as I walked down the busy road in Little Havana. Coffee was nice and hot in one hand, and doughnuts safely inside the white and green box on the other. I wanted to do a little surprise to Jordan and our friends, for all the help they had given us over the last few weeks.

Our house was turning out great, the baby room was almost done, and soon enough Julie would be here to grace us with her screams and amazing baby smell. I couldn't wait, I was more excited than nervous – although I think Jordan was more nervous than excited.

I think that the closest the due date, the more stressed out he was. Jordan had always been the epitome of a calm man, relaxed and content. The last few weeks had turned everything upside down, he had literally done a one-eighty. Who could blame him really? He was going to be a father in only a few weeks, his whole life and routine were going to change, overnight, just like that.

Walking into the tattoo shop was always... something. There were a few tattooed people looking to add another colourful memory to their skin, others trembling in the corner thinking about their very first one. And then, there was me – no tattoo, certainly not planning it, and a massive pregnant belly that got lots of love and cuddles from the crowd that worked there.

"Hey, big momma" Stella grinned from behind the counter.

"I hate that you call me that" I grunted, but set the coffees and doughnuts next to her.

"Oh, you are going to be the best mom ever!"

"Is he with a customer?" I asked, jerking my thumb to Jordan's little room.

"Yeah." Stella shrugged, taking a coffee and a doughnut "He shouldn't be too long. Uh, I found this cute little outfit on Pinterest!"

Stella had been messaging me the cutest and the weirdest baby girl outfits she found online. It was funny at first, but now was just scary – I was not dressing my little girl as Wednesday from the Adams Family!

"Hi, gorgeous!" Her big bulky boyfriend Rocco greeted me, kissing my cheek.

"Now, that's how you greet a pregnant woman" I winked at him.

"Uh, doughnuts!" He grinned, taking a massive bit off one with dusty sugar on top "Thanks! I am starving!"

"You should take a seat, gorgeous." Rocco said, gesturing to the sofas in the corner "He might take a while."

"Nah, he has another appointment in about ten minutes," Stella said, sipping her coffee.

"Well, yeah, but they've been chatting in there for over the last hour or so." Rocco shrugged "Don't think he'll break it up that soon. You know Marisol, she'll take advantage of all the alone time she can get with him."

I think Rocco didn't realize what he had said until Stella kicked him. He whimpered and frowned at her. She opened her eyes wide, definitively reminding him that perhaps he shouldn't have said that in front of me.

"How often does she come by to talk to him?" I asked, almost in a whisper – definitely dreading the answer.

"Huh... not that often" Rocco lied, I could see it in the way he was not looking me in the eye.

"Look" Stella intervened, wincing as I tossed my blue eyes like darts at her "they're friends. They've known each other for years. And... he has been quite stressed about this whole baby thing. I think... he just needed to talk to someone about it..."

"Someone like his ex-girlfriend?" I tossed, getting my bag and preparing to go.

"Well, I think it was more someone from outside the situation" Stella put in.

"He just really trusts her and she is easy to talk to. They know each other for years, it's just... familiar" Rocco shrugged.

I had heard enough. This was too much for me. I looked at the door of his little cubicle and heard a woman's giggle, and his laughter. I hadn't seen him laugh in weeks... Everything had been 'baby, baby, baby', planning daycare, college fund, pediatrician...! How could I have thought taking that massive tattooed free man out of Little Havana and ship him to the suburbs would ever work?!

"Right. I'm going" I decided, going straight to the door, my heart thumping in my chest "I need... to get out of here."

"I swear there's nothing fishy going on... he would never do that to you!" Stella tossed, following me outside.

"Because I'm pregnant and he was forced into this?" I snorted "Right, never mind."

"Don't be silly!" She gasped, chasing me down the road to my car "He loves you and that baby!"

"I'll talk to you later, ok? I need... some time."

I drove fast and pretty much like a crazy person. It hurt to know that he found solace and peace talking to his longtime ex-girlfriend. If he had found that with a friend, like say Stella or Dred or Rocco... I would understand, I knew it was normal he needed to talk to his friends and get guidance and advice. But... and ex? An ex that he been in a relationship with for over seven years? I couldn't... I just couldn't understand that, couldn't wrap my head around it.

It hurt so damn much, I was sobbing by the time I got to Eva's office. Her secretary let me in immediately, and my best friend ran to hug me by her office door. She patted my back, asked for tea and locked the door as we sat on her little sitting area.

"Oh, darling, what happened? Is it the baby?!"

"No." I assured her with a wave of my hand "Baby's fine. It's the dad..."

"Oh... What happened?" Eva frowned, as she served tea to us both.

I told everything that had happened at the tattoo shop, and she listened to the whole thing quietly – very unlike Eva... In the end, she took a sip of her tea, and she was deep in thought, her forehead wrinkled.

"Ok... This is a difficult one, I give you that." She sighed, rubbing her sweaty palms on her black skirt "Look... I'm your friend, and I love you, so you know I'm always on your side. However, I can't trash talk him, if that's what you want me to do."

"No... that's not what I want..."

"I think it's weird, yes. She's an ex, so it's... not exactly normal we could say. I would be fuming as well. Still, honey, you need to talk to him about this." She said, grabbing my hands "Gosh, you're having a baby in just a few weeks!"

"I think he's... starting to feel trapped... And he won't say a thing because he always mans up."

"Oh, honey... Don't say that, he loves you!" Eva begged, putting an arm around my shoulders.

"Right... It's been, what, eight months? Love, marriage, a house in the suburbs and a baby...? At some point, his carefree brain was bound to explode..."

"Violet, don't-"

"I'm gonna go home." I interrupted her "I need to be alone."

"What're you gonna tell him, though?" Eva asked, as she opened her door for me.

"I don't know yet... I... I don't know..."

***

I was folding some more baby clothes in the baby's room later that evening. The fairy lights were on, the white crib all ready for Julie to lay her tiny little head in. The nursing rocking chair in the corner with a couple of pillows, one white and one pastel green. The room was lovely, with greens and pinks and mainly white, peaceful, and it smelled great.

I could see myself taking care of Julie there, in that beautifully quiet room, sing her a nursery rhyme and breastfeeding her in the rocking chair. I had thought about the events of the day, about the fact that my fiancée and father of my child was meeting his ex-girlfriend on a regular basis and kept it a secret. If there was nothing to be worried about, why keeping it a secret? I just couldn't shake the feeling that I had pushed him, with the house, with moving in together with... the perfect white picket fence and babies, Happily Ever After... when he was more a man to live in the moment, passion and adventure.

I heard the front door and my heart sunk, my stomach jumped and I had to take a deep breath. I hadn't heard from him the whole afternoon – I assumed Stella or Rocco told him I had gone to the tattoo shop and left angry. He was smart enough to give me space, and some time to think things over.

I heard him take off his shoes, toss his keys to the bowl by the front door. Next stop would be taking the stairs to meet me here, but he seemed to stop – definitely confused as to what was happening. He seemed to drag his long legs up the stairs, like he was scared to meet me. I didn't dare turning as I heard him by the baby room's door, I just kept folding clothes and putting him away on the chest of drawers.

"Hey..."

"Hey" I replied, short and dry.

"So... do you need help with that?" His question was so soft, so unlike him, that I feel my lower lip trembling.

"No, thank you" I answered quickly and dry again.

He didn't say a thing for a couple of minutes. I heard him clear his throat, take two steps into the nursery, and take a deep breath.

"So... Stella said you came by today. I... was hoping to have seen you..."

"I was busy" I said, not looking back.

"Right..." He answered, taking another deep breath "She also said that... you were upset... She was worried."

"I'm fine" I assured him, folding a little pink oonesie that said 'Daddy's Girl', and that almost had me in tears.

"Clearly not... as there are two suitcases downstairs." He said, and I could sense the tension in his voice "So, are you planning on going to Eva's or your dad's?"

"I'm not going anywhere" I said, shrugging "you are."

"I am?" The question was so icy I couldn't help to shake.

"To your apartment." I tried to keep my voice calm and to the point, with my back still to him "I think it's best if we have some time apart."

"And why is that?" He tossed, this time his voice went up an octave.

"Because I need to be alone. I need... to think about some things..." I shrugged softly "I just need some time for myself."

"So, you're kicking me out of my house, is that it?" He snapped, and I lost it at this point.

"Your house?" I couldn't help to toss back and let out a shaky laugh, turning to meet his angry face "You mean the house I paid for?"

Yeah, ouch, that had been too much, even I knew that. But he had hurt me and I wanted to hurt him back, I couldn't help it.

"Right... so that's how it's going to be, is it?" His shaky laugh was also as freezing cold as mine, and it broke my heart even more "Your house, your baby, your rules."

"My heart!" I snapped, and I felt tears coming down my cheeks "You broke my heart! You humiliated me!"

"How in the world have I humiliated you?!" He snapped, big tattooed arms up in the air.

"Oh, please! How would you feel if I sneaked around with my ex-boyfriend and told him all my worries and issues about being a dad with my current boyfriend?!"

"I didn't sneak around, nothing is going on!" He assured me, taking a step to try and touch me.

"Don't touch me!"

I didn't scream, but I jumped back so fast and I spat at him so angrily that I saw him wince and stop immediately.

"Don't you dare touch me, right now." My voice shook then "I can't even look at you...!"

"Nothing happened..." He promised, this time there was vulnerability there "Nothing... I just... We know each other for years... It's easy to talk to her... that's all..."

"I'm glad for you to talk with your friends, I understand that and I encourage it." I assured him, looking down at my swollen feet "But I can't even understand how you think this is normal?" It took all I had to look him in the eye "How could you? Behind my back? After... after all of this...?" I gestured around the room "I told you... I begged you to tell me if this was too much... you... you should talk to me! Have you thought that maybe I am freaking out as well? Have you even thought that I don't feel ready as well?!"

"I just needed to talk to someone that didn't tell me to either 'man up' or that I am the luckiest man alive, for a change!" He yelled, rubbing his shaved head "Fucking hell, Violet, I'm terrified over here, and I could never let you know that! I didn't want you to know that!"

"So you think it was better to tell that to the ex-girlfriend that is still in love with you?!" I yelled back.

"She is not!" He snapped.

"Oh, please!" I laughed with no humor "It's obvious she is! And you clearly need her in your life, and I- you know what? I don't want to do this right now, I want to be alone."

"So you want me to go, that's it?" He snapped, pressing his lips so hard they were one pale line, now.

"I want you to give me space. Please..." I sighed, sitting in the rocking chair and wincing at the pain in my back.

"Do you have any idea how much I lov-"

"Don't." I snapped "I really don't want to hear that from you right now. I want you to go, I want... I want to be alone, please."

He rubbed his face and I could see how pale he was under his tattooed skin.

"I'm sorry..." He said, but his voice was still as hard as a rock "I never meant to hurt you, I assure you. Also... I know you don't want to hear it right now, but... she means nothing to me... not as you think she does..."

"Can you tell me, looking at me in the eye" I tossed, taking all the courage I could master to look up "that she didn't even try to make a move on you?"

He waved a bit, his jaw tensed.

"Exactly..." I chuckled, feeling my heart break another piece "I'm... I need space... I need to think about... to think about a lot of things... Don't worry... I know this is half my fault as well."

"What do you mean?" He frowned.

"This was never your dream, Jordan... You never wanted this."

"Not... consciously..." He frowned, looking down at his hands "But... I want you."

"That's not enough..." I had to admit, my lower lip trembling "It's not just me now... it's a whole new life, and I... I need someone that will be here a hundred percent for this... Please go... Give me space..."

He didn't say another word. I saw his grey eyes cloud and darken, his jaw tense, his tattooed hands shake. Jordan turned around and stomped down the stairs, he left as quickly as he came in, taking his bags and driving off. I sat there crying for hours, feeling lonely and overwhelmed all at the same time.

I felt like a bag of shit for kicking him out, but at the moment I was deeply hurt, humiliated and abandoned... He needed to give me time and space, I couldn't stay with him now, I needed... I needed to think about mine and my daughter's future, and how that would be without her dad...

***

WEEKS: ???

I had spent the first few days crying in bed, alone in that big house. Eva had come by and tried to make me go out – I refused. Angela, the grandmother, visited frequently and tried to probe, here and there, about how things were going with me and the baby, obviously so she could tell Jordan and who could blame her, really?

Stella was chewing on her strawberry as Rocco finished putting the kitchen up – I knew Jordan had asked them to continue the plan on the house for me, and that equally hurt as moved me. None of them had dared saying a word about Jordan, about how things were between us. Over the last few weeks all we've said to each other was him texting me 'I love you' a couple of times, and me either ignoring him or answering something practical like 'You left your sweater here'.