Somewhere in the two months that he was gone, I decided to celebrate my baby's birthday. It wasn't her birthday, but who was there that cared? We hadn't celebrated her first because Collin thought it was stupid when people celebrated baby birthdays.

"She doesn't give a shit anyway," he said and then made googly eyes at her, making her laugh. "Look at her, dumb as fuck just like you. She doesn't know what the hell is going on."

This night, though, it was just me and baby, so I made a huge deal about her birthday. I decorated the house like people were coming over, and baked like two dozen cupcakes for absolutely no reason at all. I paused when the strawberry icing started dripping off of the knife and transfixed me into a time...that I didn't want to remember.

At all.

But then the baby started laughing and calling me, "Mama! Mama!" so I turned around, picked her up off the floor and gave her a big hug. Then I put her in the highchair that she unfortunately spent most of her time in, and went back to icing the cake. She was usually a happy baby and needed more attention than she got, but the little moments that she could actually get someone to look into her eyes, she ate up. She absolutely loved for people to look into her eyes. I'm not sure why.

She had the most beautiful smile, especially with her little teeth coming in. Even Collin had to smile at her when he looked into her eyes. Her hair was soft and curly like her daddy's, but her eyes were dark, deep pools like mine. I'm glad. I couldn't deal with looking at her if her eyes were like Collin's. She came out kind of medium brown, somewhere in between Collin and my skin tones. Thank God for that because Collin would have really flipped if she had come out light like Kenney.

I pulled a candle out of the drawer and stuck it in one of the cupcakes. Then I lit the candle and brought it over to her.

"Don't touch," I pulled it back from her outstretched hand.

"Touch," she repeated, loving all of the attention that she was getting that day.

"Hot," I pointed to the flame.

"Hot," she repeated, also pointing to the flame. I don't care what Collin thought about my angel, our baby was a freakin' genius. She picked up on everything that was happening around her. Everything.

"Blow." I bent down and demonstrated how to blow the candle out. When the flame jumped she laughed and clapped. "Now your turn." I moved the cupcake toward her. "Don't touch the candle." I repeated, pointing to the flame when she stretch out her hand again. "Blow."

"Hot." She pointed at the candle. I kind of started, not expecting her to fully formulate thoughts, I guess. Who knows what I was thinking back then? I'm just glad I wasn't still popping pills. Her unexpected ability to reason probably would have freaked me all the way out.

"Right." I beamed at her and nodded. When I smiled into her eyes and started singing happy birthday, she put her little hands on my face and just grinned and grinned.

I loved her so much I wanted to cry.

"Now blow out the candle!" I demonstrated blowing again.

She laughed and blew, too. For some reason that was so much fun for both of us. I was kind of glad to still be alive to see that right then. Her very first birthday candle. After we blew it out together, we took turns putting icing on each other's faces and just laughed and laughed, like we were two old friends hanging out. We had been through so much together already, that we kind of were like two old friends, if you really thought about it.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the front door. My whole body ran cold and I instinctively grabbed the baby out of her highchair as I did a mental check of all the doors to make sure that I had left at least one door open for Collin. I knew that he would lose his mind if he felt like I had just locked him out of his own house.

I felt the baby stiffen and cling to my shirt when she sensed my mood change. I looked down at her and forced a smile. "It's ok, sweetness." She wasn't buying it and held onto me tighter. When I got to the door, I looked out of the peephole but tried not to make a sound. I didn't want anyone to know we were home.

Collin hated when people came to the house. I could see why he had made my apartment the stash house. This house was like his bat cave, and very few people knew where we lived.

I let out a loud "What!" when I saw that it was Shayna standing outside and opened the door quickly.

"Mommeeee!" she squealed, immediately taking the baby out of my arms and nearly crushing me with a bear hug at the same time.

The baby kind of looked at me, waiting to see how I would react to Shayna picking her up, and then wrapped her little arms around Shayna's neck when she decided that everything was cool. My baby was a trip.

Drama followed Shayna in as she walked over and sat down on the couch with the baby.

"Hey shorty." He gave me a hug, too. "Who's here?" He looked past me and into the house.

"Just me and the baby. Why?"

"Cool." Drama stepped into the house and I noticed for the first time that Kenney was standing right behind him.

"What..." the word escaped me like a puff of air.

"Hey." He gave me a hug and then pulled back and looked into my eyes for a really long time, probably trying to read the last year on my face. Then he looked over at Drama, who was now standing next to Shayna and holding the baby, grinning into her face like she was the cutest thing that he had ever seen.

Shayna eyed Kenney for a second, and then took the baby from Drama and walked over to Kenney and me.

"So...when's he coming back?"

"No idea." I didn't get into details and neither did she. "Probably not today." I left it at that.

Shayna nodded and handed the baby to Kenney. Her timing and the way she handed the baby to him was almost intentional, and he leaned back a little like my sweet baby was trouble that he didn't want any part of. Then he kind of reluctantly reached for her. Shayna looked over at Drama when Kenney took the baby and gave Drama her "got him" smile that she used to give me back in the day when she caught some dude checking her out. I had no idea what was up with them, but the look on Kenney's face when he looked into the baby's eyes was priceless. They both just stared at each other for the longest time, and then he said quietly, "Hey Charlie Brown."

Immediately, at the sound of Kenney's voice, the baby lost it. She started laughing and kicking, then put her hands on his face and just beamed and beamed at him. It was the craziest thing that I had ever seen her do. Kenney's expression softened completely when she put both hands on either side of his face and he leaned in toward her. "Hey Charlie Brown," he repeated, this time like he used to when he was speaking into the mic.

She laughed and laughed and threw her arms around his neck, and then pulled back, looking at him with those huge dark eyes. Then she laughed again and started twisting around like he had just said the funniest joke in the world, and she was sitting front row at the Apollo.

Shayna smiled at me. "Happy baby. That's good to see."

"I've never seen her do that before," I shrugged and looked around at all of them. "So...what's up?"

"I came to take you out," Shayna stood next to Kenney and wiggled the baby's arm, grinning at her.

"Oh, no...I can't. What are you guys even doing here? Do you live here now?" I was so confused. I felt like I was watching them through Alice's looking glass. "I can't leave her." I looked back at the baby and reached out for her. Kenney handed her back to me, looking more than a little disappointed.

"Just for a little while, Natasha." Shayna gave me a look like she wasn't leaving without me and I suddenly got suspicious.

Natasha? Since when did she call me that?

"What is this...?" The baby sensed my changed mood and looked back at them, too, no longer smiling.

"Nothin, shorty. We just thought you might want a night out while we're in town," Drama answered smoothly.

"Oh..." I looked over at Kenney, who was watching the interaction expressionlessly. Then he saw the baby staring at him and smiled at her reflexively. She smiled right back and reached out for him. I was surprised. She usually stuck to me like glue when she felt me tense up.

I suddenly realized how I must have looked right then, icing all on my clothes and on my face. I ran a hand over my unkempt ponytail and Shayna took the opportunity to reclaim the baby.

"Hi sugar!" She just hugged her and twirled her around like a baby was definitely what she wanted next. Drama just looked at her, of course like he always did, like whatever she wanted it was hers, just say the word. It was the same way he had always looked at her for as long as we'd known him. He truly did adore Shayna, from day one. How fortunate.

Shayna handed Drama the baby and gave Kenney some kind of look that I couldn't read. "Let's go get you ready, girly. I bet you haven't gotten cute in a long time." I shook my head no. "When was the last time you went out?" I shook my head again. Shayna kind of looked at me funny and waited for me to answer.

"I can't go. I'm sorry." I reached for the baby again, but she was too caught up in Drama making funny faces at her to notice me reaching for her.

"Come on..." Shayna held out her hand. I didn't take it.

"No...I can't leave the house."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kenney demanded, stone-faced. Drama also stopped playing with the baby and looked over at me.

"I can leave, I just can't leave the baby. I've never left her before..."

They all looked at me like I had just ridden in on a big fat elephant.

"Never?" Drama looked over at Shayna like maybe a baby was the one thing that she wouldn't be getting.

"No." My breath shortened at the thought of everything that could happen while I was gone. Collin could come back. Who even knew how far away he really was?

"It's ok." Shayna, who had always handled my anxiety attacks in stride - probably because her mom used to get them - put a calming hand on my shoulder. "Are you ok?"

Kenney and Drama were both giving me their full attention now, and the baby, realizing that she was losing her fan club, looked directly over at Kenney and started talking baby talk loudly, like she was really a part of the conversation. When Kenney looked back at her, she laughed and clapped her hands, reaching out for him. Drama handed Kenney the baby and walked over to me.

"Hey...are you...locked in here or something?" It was a weird question, but I could see why he would ask it by the way I was acting.

I laughed. The baby looked back at me and laughed, too. She acted so weird every time Kenney held her. Like, she went ballistic. If my daughter was a teenager, I would think Kenney was some famous rapper that I wasn't up enough to know about. She probably recognized his voice, to be honest. She should. He used to talk to her in the womb while I was pregnant, almost as much as he talked to me.

"No, it's fine. I just don't want to leave her." I looked again at Shayna. "I'm sorry." Shayna looked again at me like she wasn't leaving without me. It made my blood run cold and I lost my breath again. "You guys aren't...trying to take us or anything are you?"

Kenney looked away from the baby and directly into my eyes. I noticed that he was still standing by the front door. I guess sensing my discomfort, he walked over to the couch and sat down, then picked up a stray toy and handed it to her.

Drama put a hand on my arm, which for some reason made me jump. He looked at me suspiciously.

"Why did you ask that?" I shrugged. He looked back at Kenney and then leaned in whispering to me, "Natasha, are you sure it's only you two here?"

I nodded. They were all acting so weird. Shayna, now confident that no one else was in the house, put her arm around me and tried to steer me away from the baby. I wouldn't go.

"Ok, so...what's the deal?" She was over all the beating around the bush. "You know us, Tash. What's the problem? We'll only be gone a couple of hours. Rob and Kenney can watch the baby."

"No, not tonight. I have to give her a bath and put her to bed." I looked at all of the icing all over her hair and clothes, and thought again about how we both must have looked like a hot mess.

"I'll do that while you get dressed. What do you do, wash her in the kitchen sink?"

I laughed. "No, she has her own bathroom upstairs." Collin may have acted like a crazy fool, but he definitely spoiled his baby girl, just like he spoiled me.

"Ok," Shayna walked over and took the baby from Kenney. The baby whimpered and reached out for him.

"Bye Charlie Brown," he waved at her. "I'll be here when you get back. Bye-bye."

She did her little baby wave back at him, opening and closing her hand, "Bye-bye."

Shayna looked at the baby like she had just recited the Emancipation Proclamation.

"She can talk?"

"Yeah, she doesn't do it a lot, though." I looked over at Kenney. "She's just like someone else I know."

Kenney looked away. I didn't take my eyes off of him. "Her name is Samantha." He gasped and his eyes widened, but he didn't respond. "Samantha Ciccone." I looked over at Shayna, waiting for it.

She giggled. "Like Madonna?"

"Yeah," I smiled sheepishly. She knew I always liked Madonna's last name for a girl. "Like Madonna." I looked back over at Kenney, who was now looking at Drama and having some kind of silent conversation with him.

Shayna walked up the stairs with my baby, and I had no choice but to follow her. I only paused for a second to look back at Kenney and Rob, who were leaned in and whispering to one another.

I hoped to God that Collin didn't come home.