Collin and I had been doing it regularly for about a week when I finally ran into Kenney at the Waterfront. He was just sitting there on a bench, feeding the birds like an old man. I had to laugh. I had been doing that a lot, actually, since Collin and I had gotten back together.

When I walked over and sat down beside him, my silly grin was still plastered to my face long after the laughter had faded.

"What's up Tashi?" He looked so happy to see me, like we hadn't spoken in years. I tried to remember when the last time was that we had spoken.

"Hi Kenney."

"Hi." He looked over at me and grinned again. "So..." His expression was both amused and confused.

"Kenney, why are you grinning at me like that?"

He laughed out loud. "Why are you grinning at me like that?"

"I'm not..." I tried to hide it.

"See? There you go again!" Suddenly, his smile started to fade. "Natasha, seriously, what's up? You look like you've been up to no good."

I covered my face and giggled, but couldn't answer.

"Aw shit." Kenney put the day old bread back in the bag as the birds quickly lost interest in him and converged on a couple that was trying to have a romantic picnic by the water. One of the seagulls even had the nerve to walk up on the blanket and stick his head inside the basket. The couple could thank Kenney for that one.

I laughed loudly. Only Kenney could create such havoc by trying to care for another living being.

"Natasha..." Kenney's voice was so quiet I could barely hear it. "Did you sleep with him?"

My laughter slowly floated up into the sky and disintegrated. "Yes."

He nodded and looked down. Then he looked back at me.

"That...was your first time?"

"Yes."

I looked down at my hands. Kenney's eyes were too intense for me right then. I could feel him watching me silently, taking in every square inch of me, like he was assessing any damage that had potentially been done. I hated when he looked at me like that. He always thought I didn't notice.

Finally he spoke. "Are you alright?"

I looked over at him and smiled again, a little confused. "Yeah, Kenney..."

"Huh," he looked out over the water, but didn't say anything else.

"Kenney...I wanted to. He didn't make me..."

Kenney gave me the oddest look, but kept his mouth shut.

"He was so sweet and so gentle..." I don't know what the hell I was thinking saying these things to him, but I felt like I had to convince Kenney that I wanted it.

Maybe it was because I was trying to retract a story that I had told Kenney freshman year about the first time that Collin and I had come close, in high school. Collin had almost...not taken no for an answer. That was pretty much the beginning of the end for us back then. But that nightmare was also why Collin had been willing to wait so long for me this time. So it all worked out in the end...as far as I was concerned.

For some reason I went to Kenney with that story as soon as I found out that Collin was going to Hampton with us. I think maybe, subconsciously, I panicked and needed someone else to also be on alert with me. And Kenney was, too. He was on alert from that point on. His remembering the story that I told him then, may have been why Kenney was looking at me so intently now. I couldn't really be sure. All I knew for sure right then was that I kept babbling on about how much I liked having sex. It was like I was watching myself from the outside looking in, and I was telling me to shut my ass up, but I just wouldn't do it.

"Tashi...please..."

Thankfully, Kenney quickly put a hand up and stopped me before I could finish recapping the scene like Dick Vital. Then he started to say something else, but just shook his head and looked away.

"I'm in love with him Kenney...and...we need to work on our relationship if this thing's gonna be real, so..." I didn't even realize that it was Collin's own words that were so effortlessly flowing from my lips.

Kenney did look over at me this time, but there was just so much pity in his eyes that it almost pushed me past the point of guilt and into the welcoming arms of anger.

"So anyway," I hurried on quickly, "if you don't hear from me as often...that's why. It's not because, you know..."

My words were halting and questionable, even to me, but I had to stand by them, because I promised Collin that I would.

"All good." Without another word, Kenney nodded and walked off.

He didn't even seem angry about it. He just...accepted it and moved on. I didn't blame him. A person like Kenney could only put up with so much from anyone before he finally decided to write them off completely. What could I do but accept that and move on? I didn't want Kenney to be mad at me, but I wanted even less for Collin to be mad at me. Kenney was so caught up in his girl, anyway, that I knew between the two of them Collin was the only one that I had a definite shot with. And with no Kenney, I had no one else to latch on to but Collin. He had in one swift move successfully infiltrated my entire life. It had gotten to the point where it didn't even seem weird that he always wanted to be with me - or at least know where I was - because he missed me, 24-7.

By the end of senior year, I had all but phased Kenney Duvalle out of my life for good. Surprisingly, he hadn't done the same thing to me. He still called at least once a week, even though I kept the conversations short, and he made several unsuccessful attempts to try to come see me. Of course, Collin always somehow got in the way of that.

Eventually, I just didn't call Kenney back half the time and after that, either he or I just gave up –I'm not sure which- and I didn't even really see him, see him until right before graduation.

He came up to me as I was walking across campus and fell in step beside me.

"'Sup." He gave me what he always called his gangster nod.

I stopped and smiled at him. "'Sup," I gave him one back.

"So...whatchyou been up to?"

"Nothin'. Just trying to get the heck up out of here."

"I know, right?" He shook his head. "Graduation. Can you believe it?"

"I know! I feel like I've wasted so much time..."

My voice trailed off when I realized how Kenney would probably take that and twist it to prove his point. I was surprised when he overlooked it and changed the subject.

"So, what are you gonna do?"

"About what?" I asked quickly, forever on the defensive.

Kenney didn't skip a beat. "After you graduate."

"Oh." I shrugged. "Nothing much you can do with an English degree but teach."

"You can write," he offered quickly.

I nodded, feigning thoughtfulness. Collin had already convinced me the year before that there was no future in writing.

"I could...but there's no money in it."

"True, but money isn't everything." He was quiet for a minute. "So would you be happy teaching?"

"Ah, the eternal question." I shrugged and faked a smile. "Who's really happy anyway?"

Kenney looked genuinely sad for a moment, then ripped a piece of paper out of his notebook, scribbled something on it and handed it to me.

"So...I'm still at the same place. In case you lost my number." I smiled at him guiltily. He put a comforting hand on my arm. "You know I still love you, Tashi. I always will."

I looked away quickly, suddenly not wanting Kenney to see my face as I blinked back a perfectly and inconveniently timed tear. He gently moved my downcast gaze back up towards his. His eyes, brown spackled with grey, were the exact opposite of his aunt's. I silently contemplated how odd that was.

Things became even more odd when he opened his mouth and Aunt Jasmine's words came tumbling out.

"I don't know what kind of hold he has on you, Natasha, but if you need me you know where to find me."

The tears were flowing more freely now, but the thing was, I couldn't for anything figure out what I had to cry about. Can you believe that?

Kenney hugged me to him. "Don't cry, Tashi. It's all good." I pulled away first and he gazed down at me with the paternal air that used to drive me crazy, but now made me want to cling to him and never let go.

I sucked it up, though, and started to walk away.

Kenney caught my hand and held onto it firmly until I turned back around.

"I mean it. Call me as soon as you're ready to get out. I'll come get you. I promise." He was so cute. He sounded just like a little kid promising to bust his best friend out of foster care. We both knew it would never happen, but in his mind I was worth the try.

"Ok." I made an effort to sound like I would actually call him. "I'm sorry about not calling you back, Kenney. I just..." another tear dropped.

Now I knew what I had to cry about. Kenney had never done anything but be good to me, and all I had done for him was fill his life with unnecessary drama – which he had said from day one not to do.

"Ssh." He put a finger to my lips. "Just call me when you're ready. I'll be looking for you. And I'll help you."

He walked off after that and I didn't even want to stop him.

Collin and I had been thick as thieves and were getting along so well ever since we had gotten back together, but I should have known I was asking for it when I absentmindedly put Kenney's number in my back pocket and forgot to take it out before I got home.

By then, Collin had a key to my place and had all but moved not only himself in, but most of his business - which had now expanded to guns and drugs. This was something that I hadn't told Kenney, of course, but I'm sure that Shayna had. In the grander scheme of my elaborate lies to myself, though, it didn't matter anyway, since I still had the same phone number and still lived at the same address. After Colin and I got back together, he actually took over my lease so that I wouldn't have to move out when Shayna did. So my reality was that if Kenney was really all that interested in what was going on with me, he could have gotten in touch with me any time he wanted to.

What did matter, though, was that I knew better than to take Kenney's number, of all people. And I definitely knew better than to still have it in my pocket when Collin decided to walk up behind me in the kitchen and start feeling me up later on that night. When I smiled and turned around to kiss him, he slipped his hands into my back pockets and squeezed. Then we suddenly both looked at each other in confusion as he pulled out the folded up piece of paper.

"What's this?"

I shrugged and looked on curiously as he dramatically revealed the contents of the crinkled up sheet. It was like watching a suspense film as he slowly unfolded the paper, never once taking his eyes off of me until he got to the last crease. I had totally forgotten about running into Kenney by then and figured that it was just another unfinished to-do list, until I saw his face get deadlier and deadlier and I felt my own eyes grow wide when I remembered.

Watching the anger come down on Collin was like watching a junkie suddenly realize he needed your money and another fix, now. It was like a tornado on the horizon. Peaceful, peaceful, gets a little dark, then all of a sudden bam! Get out of there while you can. That's exactly what I tried to do, too, which made me look all the more guilty in Collin's eyes.

He was so angry, he didn't even try to speak. He just stuck his foot out and tripped me when I tried to break out. My mouth immediately began to bleed when it smashed into the cold, hard, kitchen tiles and I wondered if I had lost any teeth.

It was so weird how when Collin sat down on the floor beside me and handed me a damp, dirty dishrag to absorb the blood from my mouth, his anger seemed to have disappeared as quickly as it had come.

"Baby," he said calmly. "I wouldn't have to act like this if you didn't keep trying to sneak around behind my back."

"But I didn't. I wasn't..."

"Shut..." he quickly put the Kung Fu grip on my arm, "up." He squeezed tighter. "Have we argued at all this time around?"

"No," I whispered and looked down at the dishcloth to see if my mouth had stopped bleeding.

It hadn't.

I wanted to get some ice before my whole face swelled up like a big balloon, but I knew better than to try to move even one muscle before he finished talking.

"No, we haven't," he explained like he was talking to a child, "because you've been acting right." He sucked in a breath through his perfectly sculpted nose like he was trying to calm himself down. "Now you have to go and try to pull this." He tightened his grip. I was waiting to hear either the sound of my bone snap or to feel his finger joints splinter and pop. "Do you like pissing me off?" I shook my head no. "Is that what gets you off? You almost make me think that this is like a game to you."

"It's not," I whispered, which only seemed to bring the wrath down upon me.

Collin's eyes began to burn so hot that they suddenly seemed cold. "Maybe if I smacked you up a little then we wouldn't have this problem. Do I have to hit you to get you to act like you belong to me?"

"No." I barely heard my own voice.

"You do belong to me, right?"

"Yes."

"How 'bout if I dragged you around for a while? Would you act right then? Is that what turns you on?"

I spit more blood into the dishrag and shook my front teeth to see if they were loose. "No, Collin. It's...it's not."

"Let's find out." He stood up quickly. I immediately did too, but then he shoved me back down to the floor and somehow dragged me into the bedroom. I don't know how he did it. It felt like he was holding onto nothing and everything all at the same time.

When he threw me onto the bed and looked down at the fear in my eyes, his whole demeanor suddenly changed.

"Why do you make me treat you like this?" he asked softly and sat down on the bed beside me. I was trying my hardest not to get blood on the canary yellow, 400 count Egyptian cotton Ralph Lauren sheets that he had just bought me the day before.

Between Collin's new engineering job - good thing he'd changed his major, the Suffolk paper mill hired him before he even graduated - and his little side distribution "franchise," we were both well taken care of.

"You know I love you, baby. We have to do better than this. For real, do you like it when I hurt you?"

"No." My voice was mumbled through the rag. He gently pulled it away and looked to see what kind of damage he had done. It reminded me of when we were kids and he used to cut open frogs and then look to see what their insides were doing.

"I'm sorry." He kissed my bloody lips, then licked his own. When I cringed, he put a gentle hand on my leg. "Want some ice?"

I nodded, still unable to meet his eyes. He left the room and came back a few seconds later with a handful of ice wrapped in a clean towel.

"Here, let me do that." He took the dirty dishrag away and once again looked to see where the blood was coming from. It had subsided significantly. "See that?" he asked, once again using his patronizing tone – the one that pissed me off the most. "You only knocked your teeth a little. Nothing big."

Nothing big. I repeated the phrase in my head over and over again.

"I..." he looked genuinely upset. "I really don't like doing this to you, Tash. I really don't. I wouldn't want anyone to treat you like this, but especially not me."

I looked down at the newly bloodied towel, then at the blood on his hands, which were now slowly making their way up my thighs.

"Don't make me hurt you anymore, ok? I love you. I want you to love me, too."

"I do love you." I finally looked into his eyes and he knew I meant it. I just couldn't help it.

"Good." He smiled a little. "Then show me." He kissed away my tears, then as softly as a butterfly kissed my lips, careful not to make the swelling any worse than it already was.

I kissed him back and cried even harder. It was a silent cry, but I know he still felt the tears. As he laid me back onto my goose-down comforter and came deep inside me, I wondered if maybe the problem was that he just didn't know how much he was hurting me.

The next morning I woke up to the smell of sausage and eggs, both of which notoriously made me sick. As if he could hear me from the kitchen gagging at his concoction, Collin came quietly into the bedroom and placed a tray onto my lap.

"Good morning," he said cheerfully and looked at me expectantly. "I made you breakfast."

"I see that," I said cautiously, not even wanting to look at the pile of runny, undercooked nastiness that he had loaded onto my plate. I hoped he didn't expect me to eat that.

"Come on, Tasha. You'll like it. Try it."

I turned my head away from the fork that he was trying unsuccessfully to force into my closed, swollen, unyielding mouth. After a while, he placed the fork back onto the plate dejectedly and I realized that he didn't even know that I had hated sausage and eggs my whole life.

How could someone who had grown up across the street from me and seen me actually physically blow chunks at the mere smell of his cheap McDonald's breakfast on more than one occasion - his mother was never one for cooking - possibly be sitting there in front of me almost fifteen years later and not know better than to try to force a forkful of chicken babies and pig intestines down my throat?

"I'm sorry about last night," he said quietly, like he thought that was the reason why I wouldn't eat his food. He carefully picked up the champagne glass that was filled to the brim with his own personal mimosa concoction, always relying on the fact that if nothing else I would never turn down a good drink, and gave me the puppy dog eyes. "Will you at least drink this?"

I agreed – anything to remove the taste of half-cooked egg yolks from my lips. It wasn't until I drained the glass that I realized the mimosa also tasted like eggs...and that there was a diamond ring in my mouth.

Taking it out slowly, I looked at Collin and tried to fight back a smile.

He grinned like he was five years old and had just bought his mama the greatest birthday gift of all time.