i'm not oblivious to the fact im very privileged. i know people have it worse than me. it's just in my human nature to want, i can try all i want but there really isn't a way to fix it.

my oldest brother, patton, just took me and my friend, logan, to a concert friday, but today another artist i like to listen to posted a tour schedule. patton already put so much money out for the concert i went to on friday i don't want to ask him again but my other friend, remy, keeps pressuring me to do so.

patton would immediately agree to the idea if i asked, he would find a way to get me what i want, but that's not what i want. what i really want is for patton to take care of himself for once.

my younger brother, roman, he wants to go see dear evan hansen on broadway, he would have already asked patton if i didn't object and say i'll get tickets for him. i don't know how, i don't have a proper job to get money so i'll have to probably sell some stuff, but as long as patton doesn't over work himself it'll be okay.

today was sunday, church day specifically, and although i don't believe in god, patton does and asks me to come with so i do to be polite since roman won't go. patton usually gets sympathetic glances while i get glares, probably because of my looks but i guess i'll never know.

if you were wondering, patton only gets sympathetic glances because people know he is, well was, my father's son. my father was one of the church's members, he meant a lot to the church and since patton also believed in god he showed patton off a lot. he died about two years ago in a car crash, but people still can't help but think of dad when they see patton, even i do sometimes.

my mother on the other hand died in the hospital a month after giving birth to roman. i was only two when she died so i don't have many memories of her but patton was six, and used to talk to me about her a lot.

luckily for us, since patton just turned eighteen when dad died so he was allowed to keep me and roman instead of letting us go to some boy home, which i appreciate his sacrifice a lot. as long as we kept out of trouble the law let us stay together. patton's rule for me actually was as long as i didn't get caught because i can't seem to stay away from trouble.

i kept daydreaming throughout the church service, thinking about how different life would be if nothing happened to our parents and stuff like that. it was clear i was doing this too, this is what patton considers my 'off' day where i'm not like myself, and i think patton caught on because he kept glancing my way. "are you feeling alright?" patton asked me as we were leaving the main part of the church.

"'m fine. just off." i replied, knowing i couldn't hide that from him.

"oh dear," he replied frowning, "do you want to skip the after church meeting then?"

"no, no it's fine-"

"let's go home, i'll go tell jenna that we can't make it today, go wait in the car." i sighed but didn't protest, knowing that would get me no where. i glanced over at patton as he talked to jenna.

i felt so guilty as i walked out of there, some people watching me. they probably were all thinking the same thing, i looked down and took a deep breath to try to relax when i felt someone tackle me. "since when does virgil sanders go to church?!" i heard remy yell in my ear. i push him off and get up, brushing the dirt off my clothes.

"i only go for patton." i spat, he rolled his eyes and threw his arm around my shoulder.

"lighten up! so did you ask about the concert yet?" i pushed his arm off and shook my head. "come on, it's only what, fifteen dollars to get in?"

"plus gas and merch money. this shit adds up rem." i explained, glancing back to make sure patton didn't hear me. "now beat it, if patton finds out me and you still hang out i'll never hear the end of it." i jogged to the car, ignoring him as he yelled at me and got into the passenger seat of the car.

a few minutes passed when patton came out, holding two travel mugs. i leaned over and opened the car door for him to make it easier on him. he stepped in and handed me a mug. "it's just the way you like it." he smiled at me.

i smiled back, "thanks. sorry again."

"don't apologise, jenna understands." and with that we set off home.

even if patton wont admit it, i know he is disappointed. why wouldn't he be? i'm such a bad brother.