i don't usually cry. when my mom died, i didn't cry. at my father's funeral i didn't cry. but when the doctors told logan and i that he had cancer, i cried once he went to bed that night.

it was a weird sensation. feeling the tears fall down my face. i wasn't sure what to do, my eyes burned and my nose was runny and all i could do was sit there and sob. that night i finally understood i could feel.

i helped him through the journey. taking him to treatments, sitting with him at appointments and breaking the news to family, comforting him as he cried. he seemed to be getting better. everyone was hopeful, even the doctors.

the day we found out the tumor shrunk twice it's original size, which was quite large in the beginning, is when we shared our first 'i love you's. i never knew how much those words meant until i said them to logan.

soon he defeated cancer, we threw a party. it was fun. life was great, euphoric even. we felt like we were on cloud nine. and it lasted for quite a while.

christmas was coming up and we wanted to go up north in canada to visit logan's parents. we took a plane and everything was going smooth, until that day.

i remember vividly, we were going go pick groceries up for logan's mother. the drive there was a little bumpy but nothing concerning. while we were driving home, we went a different way and hit a huge patch of black ice. we slid right into the other lane, i turned the car as fast as i could but it wasn't fast enough.

the pick up truck slammed into my side of the car. the other driver was fine, so was logan but i wasn't so lucky.

for months i was in the hospital, i ruined christmas, as it was spent in the hospital as i fought for my life. i wasn't sure what i broke, but the doctors said i would be paralyzed from the waist down after a while. i stopped fighting so hard anymore.

i wasn't so strong anymore, logan saw me cry multiple times, he never gave up hope but i did. as my days grew thin, i pushed logan out more and more, i didn't want to hurt him if i died. he eventually stopped showing up, it was definitely my fault. but he moved on. he now has a wonderful boyfriend, someone so much better than me, and i watch him from above, trying to protect him as much as possible.

sometimes i believe he knows i'm there. late at night, he looks up at the sky while his spouse is asleep, and even if i'm wrong, it's nice to believe he is looking at the moon in my memory, remembering how many nights we would lay in bed and i would call him my sun, and he would call me his moon.

tonight, i was sitting next to logan, his spouse was asleep and logan was up on the roof, star gazing. i put my hand over his, not thinking he would notice me. he immediately looked down at his hand and whispered, "my moon."