I had always thought that I'd be scared just before I died. While I was trapped in his flat, I'd thought about my own death many times. I'd tried to find any way I could to do it myself, but he was smart enough to leave me with no way out. Even as I planned it, hoped for it, I always thought that I'd be scared when I did it.

But as I stand there waiting for Jay's finger to pull the trigger, I just feel relief. It's like a warmth spreading from my head to my toes, making me quiver with delightful anticipation. I feel my face relax into a smile, and I'm glad that the last expression Jay sees on my face is a happy one. I don't want him to think I'm scared, or that I'm regretting making him promise. The gunshot doesn't even make me jump, I'm so wrapped up in my sense of relief. And then I'm falling. And then pain explodes throughout my body and I'm screaming.

What the fuck?! Did he miss? He was supposed to go for a headshot, quick and easy. So why is my whole body on fire? And what the fuck is crushing me?

I force my eyes open, the pain making it hard for me to do anything. The sicko is sprawled on me, the side of his head blown off. I feel something wet and warm on my face, and from the pulp that used to be the sicko's skull, I'm pretty sure it's part of his brain smeared all over me. My stomach rolls and I gasp. Oh god, I can't think about that. Suddenly the weight is gone and Jay's face is all I can see. His eyes are flashing red and blue and I'm so confused. I can see his mouth moving but everything sounds like I'm underwater. Then I see a face I never thought I'd be relieved to see. It's the sheriff. He holds his gun in his hand, and from the way that it's shaking, I know it was him that fired the shot.

I become aware of everything around me all at once. There are emergency vehicles converged on the road outside the car park. Officers are arresting the bikers that had attacked us, and firemen are starting to tackle the burning bikes. I can see the others at the front door but the police are stopping them coming out. Skids and Smiler are fighting against them and I know they won't stop until they see I'm fine. Jay is still talking to me, and when he shakes my shoulders I scream. His face pales and he steps back. I take a deep breath.

"It's okay. I'm okay. Just get me up," I tell him. He puts his shoulder under my good arm and stands, but the pain blinds me temporarily. I bite back another scream, and he pauses when I'm standing.

"I can walk," I say, and he lets me go but doesn't move far away. I see the relief on the other's faces and a small laugh escapes me.

The sheriff approaches the officers guarding the door and we're allowed through, but there's only one thing on my mind right now.

"I'll be back in a sec," I tell Jay, walking around the side of the building before he can argue. He tries to follow me but an officer stops him.

I grit my teeth as I climb back through my window, calling out to Mel.

"Mel? It's just me."

"Oh thank god!"

The bathroom door bursts open and she grabs me into a hug before I can stop her. A grunt of pain escapes me and she pulls back, noticing the blood covering my torso.

"I'm okay. Let's get out there before the guys have a meltdown."

She laughs and wipes away her tears. She's been crying for a while because her eyes are red and swollen.

I look at the bed in front of the door and prepare myself for the agony of moving it.When I open the door, Sammy charges out, barking. Gesturing for Mel to go first, I follow her down the hallway, leaning on the wall with my left arm for support. When we appear behind the bar, the guys burst into action. The last thing I see before I black out is Smiler running towards me.

***

When I come round, I'm lying on the pool table. My first thought is that my blood's going to ruin it. The only face I can see belongs to a paramedic.

"I'm going to give you something for the pain," he says, smiling kindly.

I shake my head. "No. I'm allergic to opiates."

He frowns. "We're gonna need to take you in. The bullet went straight through, but you're going to need this patched up."

I shake my head again and he looks frustrated. "No hospitals. Just do what you can here. Skids," I call, realising that the police have them all gathered at the other end of the bar to give the medics space. "Get me a whiskey." The guys laugh and suddenly the tension evaporates. I turn back to the medic. "Honestly, I've had worse. Just sew me up and stick some gauze on it."

He goes to argue and I know he's going to tell me I need X-rays but I push myself up on my left hand and go to move off the table. He sighs.

"Fine. There's a free clinic in town. I don't know what's going on but they'll treat you with no insurance or I.D necessary. But you didn't hear that from me!"

I'm so grateful that he doesn't ask questions, I agree to get it checked properly the next day. Skids brings me my whiskey and kisses my head. He doesn't say anything, and I know he's pissed as hell at me. It's just being overshadowed by relief at the minute. In fact, I know they'll all be pissed at me. I was stupid and reckless going off alone like that, but it had to be done, and they'll see that when they calm down. I hope. The sheriff comes over while the medic is working on me and fills me in.

Turns out someone called in the fire I set. He saw the standoff with the sicko and Jay and took the sicko out before they realised he was there.

Finally, I'm left alone to rejoin the guys. "Come on then, let's get it over with," I say in resignation.

"Are you fucking stupid?!" Skids shouts.

"I thought it was quite clever actually. Minus the whole getting caught part," I grin. Oops. I should really learn when my sassy remarks won't be helpful.

He stands and leans over the table, pointing in my face. "When that shoulder's healed, I'm kicking your arse. And don't think for a fucking second I won't."

I smile and nod. "Love you too old man," I say before he walks away.

Ash has his arm around Mel, holding her tight, and he nods at me. "Don't mind him. When that shoulder's healed, I'm giving you the biggest hug possible. You saved my family tonight. I won't forget that" he tells me. Mel shoots me a watery smile and I return it, fighting tears of my own.

Philly grabs my hand as it lies on the table, and I turn to look at him. "You just better hope that fire didn't touch our bikes!" He manages to keep a stern look on his face, but I can see the emotion in his eyes.

"Oh Brian," I sigh, squeezing his hand. "You're such a twat!"

He laughs aloud and nods, before dragging Pest away and moving to join the others at the bar. Banjo stands too, kissing the top of my head as he walks past. His eyes are watering and I don't think he trusts himself to speak.

I'm left at the table with Jay and Smiler. When I look at Jay, I immediately hate myself for making him promise. He looks tortured, and I know he would've hated himself for the rest of his life if he'd pulled that trigger.

"I'm sorry," I say.

"I told you next time you get the hit instead of the hug." I nod, remembering clearly the last time a gun was pointed at my head. "Tonight wasn't about you-" he starts, but I cut him off.

"When he grabbed me, he told me someone had been looking for me."

Jay nods. "The word was probably put out, but they didn't come for you. This was about the club. So I'll let you off. But I swear Len, any more stunts like that and I'm cutting you out. I won't sit by and watch this shit anymore. I can't watch you be so willing to die. I can't lose you too." His voice breaks on his last words and I stand to hug him.

"For the first time in six years, I want to live. And that's because of you guys. I'm not giving up without a fight. Not anymore." He nods and wraps his arms around me, careful not to hurt my shoulder. I feel him shake as he buries his head in my hair, and then he's gone.

I turn to Smiler, dreading this conversation. I'm terrified about what he'll say. So you can imagine my surprise when he grins.

"You're fucking crazy," he laughs, and I can't help but join in. "You're crazy, and wild, and badass, and so fucking sexy it hurts. Shit, I'm so turned on right now!" He leans across the table and kisses me hard. Damn, how did I get so lucky?

He stands and leads me to my room, motioning for me to sit on the bed before he disappears into the bathroom. I hear him turn the taps on and realise he's running a bath. When he comes back out I look at him, confused. He laughs and turns to the drawers, getting me some clean clothes out.

"Babe, I love you, but you have half a guy's brain smeared all over your face."

We both freeze, stuck on the first part of his sentence.

"What?" I whisper.

I see him take a deep breath and he turns to face me. He looks like a deer caught in headlights, then he swallows hard and nods.

"I love you," he says again. "I do. I love you. I'm so fucking in love with you that it scares the shit outta me. And I don't know what I'm doing when you're around, but the thought of you not being around terrifies me. So yeah, I love you."

Wow. I think that's the most he's ever spoken at one time. I'm pretty sure my brain just exploded, 'cos I can't think. All I can do is replay his words. He loves me. He's staring at me, and he must take my pause as rejection because his face goes hard and he's shutting me out. I stand, and he takes a step back. Ouch.

"I love you too," I tell him. His eyes widen and I grin. "You're a possessive bastard, and way too overprotective, and most of the time I don't know whether to kick your arse or fuck you senseless. But I love you too. I was done for as soon as I got on your bike that night."

He stares at me for a second, and then I'm in his arms, and we're on the bed. Clothing disappears and he holds me like he's scared to let me go. It's slow and intense, and we both pour all of our emotions into every single movement. And for the first time in my life, I know what it is to be loved by a man - other than Skids - and it's a feeling I never want to lose. It fills me and I'm sure that everyone can see it pouring out of me. And I don't care if they do. I'm in love with this big bad biker. He's fierce and fearless and has a dirty mouth. But with me, he's gentle and loving, and he makes me feel like I'm the only thing in the entire world that matters. He's turning me into a gooey, emotional mess, and I think I love him even more for it.

And then our amazing moment is ruined by the sound of the bath overflowing, flooding onto the en suite's floor.