Content Warning: Suggestion to Domestic Abuse

I was sulking in my room. I understood why she was mad. Reflecting on it, I knew I was being an idiot and an asshole and aggressive and a jealous fuck. Through my closed door, I heard her storm down the stairs and out the front door. I tried to distract myself by hopping on my desktop and working on a plugin I had been meaning to finish, but I just couldn't focus. I decided to text her.

Clay 9:34 pm

you're probably on the plane right now

please text me when you land

9:41 pm

I hope your mom is ok

11:00 pm

im sorry.

i was being an idiot

12:09 am

please text me

12:16 am

i know youve landed

12:32 am

at least tell me your ok

1:17 am

im sorry

3:23 am

i love you

I was laying in my bed now. Phone on its last percent while I waited for her to respond. I fucked up. I was so worried about her, not just physically but also mentally. I could picture her face before I stomped out. Her eyes were sore and red and contrasted to her pale skin. She was never that pale. Her cheeks were carving in, she had lost so much weight. "I'm such a fucking idiot," I mumbled to myself.

"Yeah, you are." Nick said as he opened my door. He was dressed in jeans and a hoodie with a backpack on his shoulder.

I rolled my eyes and flipped to lay on my back. "I thought you left already."

"Nah. I could only find one last-minute ticket to Texas, but I'm about to leave. My flight's at 6. You can still come."

"She doesn't want me there."

"Of course she does." He sat down at the foot of my bed and played with my comforter. "I heard you two fighting from downstairs. I wanted to tell you that I was the one that kissed her, but it was only on the cheek. I do the same thing with my real siblings."

I sat up to lean back on my hands. "It was on the cheek?" He nodded. "Fuck." I smacked myself. "I fucked up."

"Yeah. Dream, I want you to know that Anja and I aren't going to change our relationship just because you're dating her." I slowly nodded. "But, I'll try to dial it back, for you."

"H-have you talked to her?"

"No. I'm sure she rushed to the hospital after she landed." Ding. His phone buzzed. "Uh." He quickly pulled it out and turned it to silent. "It was George."

"You don't have to lie. At least I know she's okay." He nodded. I watched him play with my comforter for a bit in silence while I tried to find my words. "I-uh... I'm sorry." I studdered.

"For what?"

"Getting jealous and angry at you and messing with your relationship with Anja and I guess our relationship too."

"It's fine. I'm not mad, well I was mad, but for a different reason. Now it's whatever."

"Cause I didn't tell you about Adam?" He nodded. "I wanted to tell you. I even suggested it to Anja but she didn't want to and it wasn't my trauma to share."

"Yeah. I know." He reached back and put his hand on my shoulder, shaking me a little just like my dad used to do. We gave a silent 'we are ok' and knew it was true. "I'm gonna go now or else I'll be late."

"Text me when you land." He shuffled towards the door. "And maybe try to get Anja to look at my texts?" I said jokingly, but he knew I was serious.

"Of course."

The next few days were hell. I did nothing but sit and think, alone as she told me to. Looking back at what I said and how I talked to her. How controlling I was. 'My girlfriend'. 'Other people touching you' God, I'm an idiot. I yelled at her. I grabbed and pulled her. I hurt her.

7:56 pm

i hope your mom and the baby are ok

i hope youre ok

I tried again but no response. Three days passed and no communication. I got out of my bed for the first time all day and put on a pair of plaid pajama pants. Cereal sounded really good to me in the moment. I ambled down the stairs to open my cabinet. "Right, I ate it all." I mumbled to myself. Then there was a knock on the door. I grabbed a jacket from the hanger by the front entrance and threw it on before opening the door.

"Hi Clay." Her hair was now dyed black and tied into a loose ponytail that hung down her back. Her makeup was done nice and light and matched her pastel blouse and skirt. It was Maria, I barely recognized her.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for you. We need to talk." She shoved past me, despite me trying to stop her, and set her purse down on the counter in the kitchen.

"What do you want Maria? I don't have the energy for this."

She turned to face me, leaning against the counter behind her. Her hands reached out to grab mine but I pulled away. "Clay. I miss you so... so much." She was hugging herself, looking up at me with her soft eyes. "You never unblocked me and you won't respond to my dms on Twitter or Instagram or any of my emails so I came here to see you."

"You emailed me?"

"Clay." She whined.

"Maria you should leave."

"NO! Please Clay. I need you." She grabbed my sleeves. "I-I got help. Really I did. I went to therapy. I haven't had sex since we broke up. I swear. I don't even masterba-"

"Maria stop." I ripped her hands off me and shoved her purse back into her hands.

"Clay!"

"Leave." I wrapped my hand around her wrist to pull her back to the door. She shoved me away. Quickly she pulled her phone out of her purse, tapping away on it. "Maria."

"Here." The phone slid across the counter as she tossed it down. I picked it up and switched my eyes off her. It was a picture of me. I was standing with Nick, Karl, and Anja at Disney in line for a ride.

"What the fuck?" I swiped to the right. There was another from the park, then another, then another. Dozens of me at Disney. Then there was some of me, Anja and Nick at our park lunch. Me and Anja cuddling. More of me and Anja at the beach in Miami and going to the hotel. "What is this?" I could feel the rage building in the back of my mind.

"I didn't want it to go this far but I guess I have to. Break up with Anja or I will post all of these everywhere online. And people will know it's you because of Nick and Karl. And people will know you're dating Anja."

"So... you're blackmailing?" My pinched eyebrows while questioning.

"Y-yes." She fixed her stance to look more confident, her lack of height didn't help her.

"How did you even get these?"

"I followed you. Obviously. Now break up with her."

"I'm not doing that." I shut off her phone and threw it back to her. She stumbled trying to catch it.

"What? Clay, I will do it."

"I believe you, but I don't care." Her jaw dropped at my comment. "Now leave."

"You're willing to ruin your Youtube career for this girl?" Her voice was loud but hurt, and I didn't care. I had honestly stopped thinking about her.

"Leaking my face won't do anything, Maria. Besides, I love Anja. Losing my anonymity would be worth it for her."

"But you love me?" The tears started to pour down her cheeks.

"Yeah... I used to. I used to love you, but then you abused and broke me."

"So you are really over me? You love her?" I leaned down to look her dead in the eyes.

"Yes." She bit her bottom lip and let her eyes run away from mine.

"Oh." She whimpered. "I... I'll leave then." She dropped her phone back into her purse and fixed the strap on her shoulder. "Goodbye, Clay." Her last tear dropped to the floor. I could tell that one was genuine. She dug her heels into the kitchen tile as she turned and walked away, straight out the front door.

One week passed with no contact with Anja, then she finally called me. I was sitting at my desk at the time on call with George. He was checking up on me. I had stopped talking to everyone, stopped recording and joining streams and tweeting. All I could do was think about Anja and how sorry I was. I quickly left the vc, not even telling George, and answered her on my phone. "Hi." I barely got out I was so quiet.

"Hey." There was a moment of silence, I just listened to her breathe. It was unsteady but soft.

"You finally called." I joked, smiling to myself.

"Yeah, I've mostly had my phone off. So..." I nodded even though she couldn't see me. "My mom is okay, and the baby is fine. At least for now."

"That's amazing Anja."

"Yeah. His name is Antonio. Five pounds and 6 ounces, that's what everyone keeps telling me."

"I'm glad he's okay."

"I am too."

"Anja?"

"Hm?" I heard her shuffle a bit.

"I... uh. I-"

"Yeah. I need to tell you something, but I think it would be better in person." My stomach dropped. In-person? This was the moment I feared. She was leaving me. "I have a ticket for tomorrow, I'll be back."

"Yeah... Okay." I was scared to push it. "See you soon." She abruptly hung up. In that moment I decided I needed a plan. I needed the best welcome back and the best apology I could offer. I needed her to know how much I love her.

After landing in Texas, the first thing I did was rush to the hospital my mom was staying at. Miguel was sitting outside the doors of the surgery wing. He was staring down at his hands, wearing a blank face. It was my first time meeting him in person despite my mom dating him for the past 6 months. I sat down next to him and laid my hand on his. We didn't speak but just sat and waited.

Hours had passed and I decided to check my phone for the first time. Clay had sent me a dozen texts. I chose to ignore them. I didn't have the ability nor want to deal with him. I noticed a text from Nick.

3:11 am

About to head to the airport

3:29 am

stay safe

shes still in surgery

At four a doctor finally came out, followed by a nurse wheeling a bed with my mom asleep on it. Miguel and I stood up to meet 'Dr. Peer' according to his tag. "The father?" He pointed at Miguel, he nodded. "I think you'd be happy to know the surgery went well. Ms. Klein will recover and your son is relatively healthy." Those words lifted a massive weight off my chest.

"Muchas gracias doctor. Thank you." Miguel shook his hand with joy.

"I'm glad to say your fiance is healthy but your son is currently in the PICU. We are worried about his lack of proper lung development. He will have to stay here for a while., but you are allowed to see him in the visitation area. The nurse should be setting Ms. Klein's room right now."

"Thank you." Dr. Peer smiled and walked off.

We headed to my mom's private room to see her but she was asleep when we arrived. The nurse offered to take us to the PICU to meet the baby. He was so small, and alone. He was surrounded by machines and tubes and doctors were constantly going in and out of the area. It was heartbreaking to look at him from behind the glass.

"Do you have a name yet?" I asked.

"Hm... we were thinking Gisela for a girl and Antonio for a boy."

"So Antonio."

"Antonio." He whispered. My eyes fell off my brother and turned to Miguel. He had a soft smile, I could still see the worry but happiness was there.

"I'm happy you make my mom happy."

He looked up at me. I realized how short he was, compared to me, but the perfect height for my small mom. "She makes me happy."

Their relationship started in an interesting way. To put it plainly, he was her sugar daddy. She admitted that she was using him, and he was fine with it. I never complained, it paid my rent and my tuition. At some point they fell for each other and became serious, I never got a chance to meet him in person but my mom always spoke highly of him. When she came to visit, he would always buy small gifts for me. I could tell he was a good person, nothing like my dad.

Nick got to the hospital around the time mom woke up. We said our hellos, then I took him to see Antonio. He told me the stories of his younger siblings being born, seeing him remanence was always nice.

"I know you might not want to talk about it but I think you should call Clay. Or at least text him." I hummed in agreement. "But aren't going to, are you?"

Turned to him and stomped my foot in annoyance. "Can I just focus on my family right now?"

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry."

After a week of staying on a cot in my mom's room, I finally decided to go home. Home being my room at my mom's house. Nick had decided days earlier that he would visit but was going to stay with his mom.

I had just dropped my bags by my dresser and crashed on my bed when I heard the doorbell ring. I groaned to myself. All I wanted to do was sleep. "Who would even come here?" I peeled myself off my bed, dreading to open the door. I didn't expect to see Samantha. Her blonde hair was a mess. Her blue eyes matched the purple bruises surrounding them. She had a deep cut on her bottom lip and an even deeper one running over her left eyebrow. "Sam?"

"Hi, Anja. Can I... come in?"

"Yeah, yeah." I closed the door behind her and lead her to the living room couch. "Let me get you some wat-"

"No. I'm fine. I won't be here long."

"Alright. Just one second." I ran into the bathroom, grabbing our small first aid kit. I sat down next to her and began pulling out supplies. Ointment and bandaids for her cuts, and a cooling pack for her bruises.

She grabbed my hand. "You don't have to."

"It's fine Sam." I quickly fixed her up. "How did you know I would be here?"

"I saw your mom post on Facebook about the baby and was thinking about you... I guess I just found myself here."

"Wha- Sam what happened to you?"

"Look Anja," she avoided my question "there is a lot I want to say so can you please listen for a few minutes?" She was speaking so soft to me.

"Of course."

She slowly reached for my hands, hesitant to take them. "I came here to say I'm sorry." It was my first time ever hearing her say that. She never apologized to anyone. "I'm sorry for how I've treated you. I'm sorry for taking your spot in the group. I slept with Dave and Jackson for it. I'm sorry for stealing your music. That was me, not Nathan so please don't hate him. Nathan... he has actually left the group." I clenched her hand in shock. "The news hasn't come out yet. I'm also sorry for all the things I texted you after the party, I know they were disgusting and I understand why you blocked me." I had honestly forgotten she blew up my phone. Calling me a slut and whore and so on. I had quickly blocked her, trying not to deal with it. "I was upset that Jackson was interested in you. We were dating at the time. I know that NOT an excuse. I know that is stupid, especially since I was flirting with your friend but I was just doing it to make Jackson jealous. He didn't notice, he was interested in you. He was always interested in you. Anyways, the reason why I've come here and said all of this is because I need to make a mends."

"Sam you don't hav-"

"Yes, I do. Tuesday I'm going to the press. I'm admitting that we stole all the music on our album including 'Traitor of the Tribe', and I'm giving you the proper credit."

"No one even knows who I am though?"

"I saw the song you put out with that Dream guy. I think more people are paying attention to you than you think."

I was speechless. "Thank you, Sam." She placed her palm on my cheek and leaned in, almost meeting my lips. I immediately pushed her away. "Woah."

She stood up to move away from me. "Sorry, I thought-"

"No. No. I'm with Clay and I love him." I froze. What am I even saying? Is this right? "I-I love him." I said again, almost like I was admitting it to myself.

"Oh. I'm sorry, I read this wrong."

"It's fine."

"No, I'll go then." She hurried to the front door but stopped before opening it. "AJ, if you're ever back in Texas and need someone, I'll be here. Bye."

She left me with so many thoughts. About my music and career, but mostly Clay. Love was such a new word to me. Such a strong word. I needed to call him. I needed to tell him. I grabbed my phone, clicking on his messages. I pressed the call button, then I realized those three words were something I needed to say in person. The phone was already ringing.