Remember! Don't let anyone or anything steal your joy!

My thoughts are all jumbled up. Sigh.

I already had a bad start with a stupid deal and then Roy- Natasha.

That witch. Bitch!

Did they sleep together last night? The inevitable question popped in my head. Obviously they did. That's what that woman does. She sleeps with every other guy in view.

But Roy...

He is also the same. He never changed. What did I expect? He won't have affairs? Oh, he can't survive a single day without a woman to warm his bed.

Seven years back also he had affairs when he was dating me. Only because I wasn't ready to sleep with him, he went out for different woman every night. And I thought he will change. Wow!

Why Natasha? If it wasn't her then it would be someone else. Of course.

He is the same, Ashna. He never changed. He never had any feelings for you and never will have. You're blinded by his charm once again. My subconscious snapped at me.

Seven years back he didn't love you and now also he doesn't. Seven years back you fell in love with him and he didn't. Now also you fell in love with him and he didn't.

Expectation hurts and I expected too much. He has the power to ruin me and I let him ruin me all the time. I'm a freak. He is the devil. We're a match made up in hell.

This is not going to work. We are never going to work.

Why do I feel cheated? We are not even together. He can sleep with anyone he wants. He didn't cheat.

This is the exact feeling I felt seven years back. Only then he broke up with me and now he cheated on me.

Natasha. I hate her. She was the reason for the destruction in my life. She, her mom and my dad... they ruined us. Roy broke up with me. If you tried to open my brain in two halves, a self-destructive mess you'll find.

Once again, she caused me pain. She and Roy, they both hurt me where it hurts the most.

I feel it again. Pain.

Pain. That word itself hurts.

A stream of tears flowed down my cheeks.

I excused myself from office and spent my day with my daughter. Avery was the only constant thing in my life. She was very happy with the toys and chocolates from her well-wishers. She made me smile in my worst times. Then what? The pain and tears were back. The feeling of emptiness was back.

Weak. I felt weak at heart. I always loved him and I still loved him. And I will always love him.

I want him back but he doesn't. I love him but he never loved me back. He brings the worst out of me. He makes me miserable.

I always thought I'm a very strong woman. But then I'm a woman and emotionally weak. Every woman feels beautiful when she is loved. When her man calls her beautiful she feels like the queen of the world. He called me beautiful. He made me feel beautiful.

People think I'm stuffed with all the happiness in life but I know I have nothing. Money, wealth and fame can't buy you happiness and love. I have achieved all of it by myself and I'm a very proud woman. I have a lovely daughter and parents and brother. I have a well established company. I'm respected and honoured in the society. Woman of my age and younger want to become successful like me. But then what? Am I really happy? NO!!! I'm a lonely woman.

I'm a big loser. I lost everything. He was my everything.

Now my soul is an emotionless void. I'm a dead person walking. Tears and pain are the only feeling that my body functions with.

What was I left with? Hope. It is the most dangerous thing in the world. It can make you or break you. Seven year back when I decided to move on and do something with my life, the only thing that I had was hope. Hope made me into a successful woman and now when I hoped for Roy getting back in my life and this is what I get.

Without hope, a person can't survive for even seconds. Without hope, a person is dead.

I'm dead.

I closed my eyes and let the pain consume me.

The intercom buzzed. It was set in 'Do Not Disturb', so whoever it is they can just turn their backs and leave.

I guess that wasn't happening. My phone kept on vibrating on the table and the intercom rang thrice.

I rubbed my face and went to answer the intercom. It was him.

Roy.

He looked exhausted. He looked.... pained.

"I'm busy, Roy. Meet you at work tomorrow." I said in the intercom.

"Ashu please open the door. Let me explain please.... please baby." He begged. My heart fluttered when he called me baby. He will hurt you, Ashu.

I kept silent for a minute. Thinking should I let him in or not. He already broke me. He can't break a broken piece anymore.

So I let him in.

"Ashu let me..." he started and I stopped him.

"Ashna."

"I'm sorry. It was a mistake."

"What are you talking about?" I'm not going to show him what he did to me. He doesn't deserve it.

"I slept with her. It was a mistake. I was drunk and I was out of my mind. I am sorry." He puts his hand on his forehead and sighed, defeated.

"You don't have to explain anything. I don't care what you do and whatnot. You can sleep with anyone you want. It's your life and your decision to make." I said with a cold heart. My eyes were blinded with tears. I shouldn't feel this. He was never mine.

"Really, you don't care?" He looked at my eyes deeply, as if he wanted to decipher some secret code.

A forceful smirk appeared on my face. "I don't care." I walked into the kitchen, to stop the tears from falling. To move away from him. "Do you want coffee?"

"Cut the formalities." He snapped. He still has the guts to snap at me. What big balls! He followed.

Tears ran down once again and I didn't turn to face him. He should not see me. He should not see how vulnerable he makes me. I can't let him see the pain in my eyes.

"What do you want, Roy?" I asked grabbing a bottle from the fridge and gulping down water to clear away my heavy throat.

I placed the bottle back and took deep breaths to calm my racing heart.

"You don't care?" He asked, as if he is surprised.

"Why should I?" I turned to face him and he was very close to me. Nose-touching close.

His eyes became darker. Pain, hurt, fury.... all emotions mixed together. His breath fanning my face. He was so close. What if he hears my fierce heart beat?

We stared at each other. His eyes becoming softer. "I'm sorry. I know you care and it hurts." He rubbed his hands on his face.

"Don't bother. You always hurt me, Roy. That's what you did seven years back." I whispered. Now if I start speaking I won't be able to stop.

He rubbed my cheeks with his thumb. I didn't even realize the tears were burning my cheeks. "Ashu...."

I cut him off mid-sentence and continued, "... that time also you hurt me, you broke me. You left me when I needed you the most. I know you never loved me then but I did. I know you had affairs but I waited for you. Now also when you came back after seven years I knew you'll never be mine. You know what, I accepted the fact too but you..." I pointed my finger at his chest.

"....you were the one who made me feel alive again. But.... again you choose to ruin me, destroy me. Do you know much it hurts?"

I turned back around and a whimper escaped. Tears ran down and I couldn't stop them. I pushed Roy away from me. He stared at me with shock on his eyes. I turned my back towards him. I continued, ".... all these seven years I tried to establish all this, you told me that night that I'm not of your standard. Now am I of your standard? I told you I'll make you regret my absence in your life but now I regret that I fell in love with you again and you didn't."

"You should leave." I said when he didn't say anything.

Instead, he came closer and grabbed me by my waist. He hugged me tightly from behind, his breath fanning my neck.

His lips touched my neck as he spoke, "I'm not leaving you baby. I'll make you forgive me and love me again." He said in a heavier voice than normal.

He kissed my neck. I gasped. More tears ran down my cheeks. I struggled from his hold to set free. He made his hold tighter.

"Shh... stay." He whispered and removed my hair with his fingers from my shoulder and ran his nose along my neckline, taking in my scent.

"You smell so good." He kissed my shoulder. His hands all over my body, sending shivers through my being.

I missed his touch.

My stomach did somersaults inside. I felt warm and tingly, everywhere he touched.

"Roy.... you should... leave." I closed my eyes and my voice came out in whispers.

"Shh... I missed you... baby." His tongue ran down my neck and his fingers made circles in my naval. I moaned.

He sucked on my skin, marking his territory. His hand moved above my stomach and his palm covered my left breast. I moved my head a bit to give him more access.

He licked, sucked and kissed. Made me feel all the foreign feelings.

At that moment everything came rushing by. The hurt and the pain, our break up, him coming back, the happy times spent, he and Natasha..... Natasha.

I opened my eyes and pushed Roy with all my might and force.

"What's wrong?" He frowned, his eyes were clouded with lust. I could feel it between us. But I want both passion and love... not just lust.

The smell of his desire....

"LEAVE!" I shout. Hurt, anger, pain, betrayal. I felt everything.

"GO! Just go... I can't take it anymore!" My knees gave up and I dropped down to the floor. All my energy was drained and I wanted to just go off to sleep and forget all about what was happening.

I'm a strong woman. But I'm a woman after all and we are allowed to fall weak. When enough is enough, you should shut down for a while.

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