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Here we go.

You ready?

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Jungkook

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Having a soulmate was both convenient and inconvenient.

Once he was fully healed from the bruising, he felt in better shape than ever.

He was even faster, even sharper, even stronger than before.

It was convenient when his whole body was aching and his feet hurt from dancing and all of Bangtan needed time to rest, yet if she sat with him and their arms leaned together, all his pain would vanish.

It was inconvenient when she wasn't around and everyone else only needed a granola bar for some energy but he had nothing.

He had mixed feelings about the whole works of it.

He didn't really like that he depended on her for his well-being. Not only because it made him uncomfortable to need someone, but also because it made him feel self-aware.

He wondered if it made him weak, to rely on someone else.

He wondered if she thought he was weak.

But then there was also the other voice in his brain though, that did seem to take some sick pride in the fact that this was a two-way deal.

That it meant in return, needed .

And that was entirely different.

That made him feel good.

But then he would wonder why about that too.

Why did he like her needing him?

It felt like maybe if he went down that road, he'd come to the same place where he was asking why he seemed to get so mad at Jimin and Taehyung whenever they spoke to Soulmate and made her giggle, or made her tell them something she'd never told Jungkook before.

He didn't have an answer for that either.

He wasn't used to this, having a whole swirl of emotions he couldn't understand.

He had never had an entire swathe of thoughts in his brain that all jumbled together and he couldn't even begin to figure out.

He stopped trying to go to that place altogether, because it just made him strangely upset with Jimin and Taehyung.

And himself.

Mostly himself.

Besides, the more pressing matter was how he had to deal with the sudden pangs of thirst, or what felt like thirst, whenever she was away from him for too long.

He hated that.

It made him feel very, very small.

Especially because she would be away for hours, tapping on her laptop, and when she returned to him it never seemed out of her own need for healing, but rather out of concern for need.

That made him feel even smaller, her concern.

And there was no one to resent, because the matter of fact was that Jungkook simply the needier one, sometimes dizzy by the time she came rushing into the dorms, her laptop in tow, eyes frantically searching his face to see if he was alright.

"I'm alright," he wanted to be able to say to her.

"I'm fine," he wished he could say.

But the best he could do was stay silent as she dropped down beside him on the sofa, or pulled up a chair next to him at his desk, and try not to sigh in relief as their shoulders pressed together and he was finally, finally, not burning with thirst in his chest.

And even when they were healing...

She would sometimes smile blissfully for a few minutes, and just as he thought that they were feeling the same, insanely warm electricity...

She would slowly pull out her phone or her laptop and begin working again.

Not that she shouldn't.

He respected her dedication to her work.

He was the same with his job.

But he couldn't help but feel pathetic that he was literally drowning in the sensation and she was just there to calmly charge up for the day.

As though...

As though it was just mandatory, like it meant nothing anymore.

And sure, it had been almost a month now, Jungkook realizes as he watches her scrolling her screen from his peripheral.

But he still wasn't used to the Soulmate elation.

Not even close.

In fact, some days he suspects it is just getting stronger.

So... why was she used to it?

It left a bitter taste in his mouth too, that she didn't think they needed to ever talk and try to get to know each other better, even though they were literally going to be ...

Yet she had already exchanged phone numbers with Taehyung and they sent each other funny GIFs frequently throughout the day, while Bangtan was at a photoshoot, or filming at a show, and she was god knows where, doing her work...

All of which Taehyung was too happy to show Jungkook, laughing while turning his phone screen toward the maknae, explaining the previous conversation or ongoing joke...

But whatever hilarious thing that was happening didn't really matter to Jungkook.

What mattered was that Taehyung was laughing as though it wasn't Jungkook's soulmate he was texting, as though it wasn't Jungkook's soulmate he was having a laugh with, as though it wasn't Jungkook's soulmate he was casually flirting and steali-...

And those were the crazy thoughts Jungkook would grit his teeth and slam to a halt on.

But Jungkook would grip his own phone in his pocket, absently wondering why Soulmate never sent Jungkook anything funny...

Her texts to him were usually short, and to the point.

And it did irk him that she always texted about

Never about needing the bond.

Was it sympathy, pity?

Would she ever reach out to him if he was stronger?

The power imbalance left him even angrier, although at who by this point Jungkook really couldn't fathom.

So as he stared straight forward, he studied her out of the corner of his eye and tried to understand why she wasn't talking to him.

He had his headphones on earlier, but the moment she arrived, he had pulled them off to hang around his neck.

He smiled at her and asked how she was doing.

She gave him a quick smile back and said she was great.

And then she leaned against him, healing, while she opened up the stupid laptop she was typing on.

He made every move to show that he was open to conversation.

But while she had no problems quipping with Jimin in the living room on her way in and out of the dorms, she didn't bother wasting her conversation on Jungkook.

Maybe it was because he had tried to play his soulmate card.

he had told her, a week ago in the dance studio.

What did he think it would accomplish?

To put her in her place?

And then he had confiscated the entire backpack Sejin hyung had given her, because he didn't want her to be treated like a poor decision he had made at some tour stop.

Because he couldn't stand it if she was made to act different in order to fit into his life.

But of course she had already been made to act different, to come to him every day.

Sometimes they made room for her in the car, bonding in transit as Jungkook was rushed to and fro in his busy schedule.

She never complained, simply agreeing if she was able, and quietly did her work in the car.

He should be thankful that her work was so mobile.

But mostly he noticed that if Taehyung was in the car then she would ignore her laptop once in a while, to talk about some chocolate covered potato chip she had discovered or to share some gummies that Jimin offered her.

If Jungkook was honest with himself, though, he would also think to question whether he himself ever talked to her with the open-hearted grin that Taehyung always had across his face, the one that invited Taehyung into everyone's heart instantly.

He would question whether he was capable of using the same soft, playful tone that Jimin spoke with, the one that made Soulmate giggle.

But it was hard to even practice practicing those things, when she barely ever even looked him in the eye.

When she was all concern for his neediness, and then business, and then healing, and then gone.

She seemed intimidated, or afraid of him.

Sometimes if he spoke to her, she would tense, her eyes wide.

He can't remember if he had ever been threatening to her, but as it were, he was her least favorite person to talk to.

Not only within BTS, but even with some of the staff, she was friendly... just not with Jungkook himself.

And then Jungkook would be frustrated, because why should he even care?

This was what he wanted.

To be left alone.

He never wanted her.

So if she should show up to bond and only to bond, and be nothing else in his life otherwise, it would be as close to his former life as possible.

It would be what he wanted.

So why did he care at all whether she looked at him, talked to him, liked him?

the dark part of his mind told him.

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You

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And there he was, looking at you again.

You pretend not to notice, like usual, but your fingers tremble slightly on the keyboard.

He was always looking at you like he was studying you, looking for some kind of break in your armor, some kind of weakness he could pounce on.

And what he could do to you if he did.

You knew, whether or not he did, that you were trapped.

But of course he did know.

He had told you so.

And he was absolutely correct.

You had nowhere to run.

You needed to heal, every day, just as he did.

Although you always grit your teeth and waited until he texted you that he was free, and never, ever told him if you were weak from lack of bonding.

You had nothing to complain about.

Jungkook was always in worse shape than you when it came to it.

He needed the healing more.

Always.

You could tell by the paleness of his face or the slow blinks he gave his surroundings when you had stayed apart too long.

And if he could stand it, for the sake of his career, then you had to suck it up and be more resilient too.

Some days it was hard.

When he had to be in hair and makeup by 5:30 AM and wasn't done with his day until well past midnight.

When he didn't arrive home or back at Bighit until 2:00AM.

Those days, your knees would be weak and pain would shoot up and down your arm, especially sore where your soulmate bruise had first been.

You'd feel so weak you couldn't concentrate.

But you would not be the one who ruined his career.

You wouldn't.

So you refused to text him for healing, no matter how faint you felt.

You couldn't even stay apart for 24 hours.

It would get better, you knew.

The more you bonded, the stronger your tolerance for being apart would be.

You had done a lot of research on the internet, and tons of soulmates were able to stay apart for up to 48 hours, if they had gotten a good night's charge before they separated.

However, most of those soulmates had been bonded for at least two years, which was apparently the coming-of-age of the bond, and made them slightly more independent.

It was scary, relying on Jungkook for, essentially, your life.

His gaze on you was quiet, and calm, but often downright intimidating.

You didn't know what he was looking for, but you were afraid.

You knew all too well what he could do to you.

You knew all too well why his mischievous grins at Jhope always made a grin creep across your own face too.

You knew all too well why you blanked out, hard, whenever he opened his mouth and sang, his honey-like voice drawing sparklers across your mind, golden and bright.

You knew all too well that even when you stared at your screen, you were eavesdropping on his playful banter with Jin, their chatter making you bite down on your cheek to hold back a laugh.

You knew all too well that you stared if you let yourself look at him, at his swept bangs draping softly across his forehead, at his curvy, expressive lips pulling prankster smiles across his teeth, at his dark, chiselled jawline running sharp against his neck...

You knew that if you let yourself look at him, you would be stunned by the brightness of his eyes, the draw of his brows, and the aura that he is.

Whether it was your genuine feelings for Jungkook or the soulmate bond doing this...

It was better to not look at all.

Lest you become so creepy that he couldn't bring himself to heal with you at all.

Lest you killed the both of you by being a complete pervert.

He had told you from the start.

The soulmate bond was pushed onto him, like it was pushed onto you.

were pushed onto him.

He didn't want you in his life.

So if you can't stop yourself from gushing over him like a fan girl, then at least hide it better.

So when he did that, that tilting of his face where he pretended to not look at you but was definitely, definitely looking at you...

You tried not to move, not to breathe, not to go red in the face, and to pretend instead that you really didn't notice him.

Even when you walked into the room and he immediately brightened and pulled his headphones low, and gave you that hopeful little smile...

He was just glad for the healing you brought.

Not you.

He is never glad for you.

When Jungkook slowly drifted off to sleep with his head in his arms, you shook him gently to wake him up, told him to lie down in bed.

You draped his arm over the side of his bed, and sat on the floor, leaning your shoulder against his arm, healing him while he slept.

And you tried not to peek at him as soon as he fell asleep.

You tried not to take advantage of his eyes being closed to study the arch of his brows and the beauty of his lips.

Stop looking at him.

Stop thinking about him.

He's better off without you.

You tear your eyes away from him, almost gasping with the need to get away from the crushing weight in your lungs.

You hurry out of his room, as panicked as though you were escaping.

He's better off without you.

You knew that.

But if you knew that, then why were your hands trembling?

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Jungkook

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It isn't so much that she left him to go talk to Taehyung.

Or maybe it was.

Jungkook really didn't know anymore.

But he knew it was definitely, definitely about how quickly she left him the instant she thought he was asleep.

And he was wondering if maybe she just went to the washroom, or needed a break from sitting, but then right before he drifted off... he heard Taehyung's bass and silk voice drift in from under the door, followed by Soulmate's quiet voice.

They were hanging out again.

Without Jungkook.

And then suddenly he was fully awake, the red, burning, angry monster tearing at his chest.

The rise out of sleep was not comfortable.

He went from exhausted to in the span of two seconds, his heartbeat speeding up so fast that he could hear it in his ears and could feel the pulse in his temple.

Jungkook lay there, , as he hears Taehyung chuckle and keep talking.

As Taehyung keeps talking to .

Because Jungkook can see his LED clock glowing 11:57 PM and then suddenly Jungkook the angry monster now, ripping his sheets away from his waist and whirling to his door, ripping it open so hard it slams against the wall.

The conversation ceases immediately, and certain that everyone in the apartment jumped at the noise, Jungkook is wondering to himself, even as he storms into the living room...

If she is not Taehyung's to talk to,

Who did you want her to be talking to...

At midnight...

In the dark...

And Jungkook doesn't have time to think about this because his legs are too fast, his pace too hard in his anger, his strides too long, he's out of time as his body does what he intended a few seconds ago.

Jungkook, bristling, shoulders raised, brows drawn low and dark, forcibly inserts himself between Soulmate and Taehyung, who are standing only two feet apart and staring at him in surprise.

Why were they standing so close?

And Jungkook's arm, of its own accord, pushes out

and Taehyung in the chest.

As Taehyung slams into the wall...

Jungkook's voice, snarls, "."

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If you read this you have made me feel less insane.

I'm so grateful seriously.

Shameless promoting time, please check out my other moments of insanity- I mean, er- stories.

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