—Stephanie Binding

I kept blinking but my vision would not completely clear at first. There was someone humming near me, and when I turned away from the surrounding azure waters to see who, I saw Julian. This should have stunned me, but instead I just smiled at him and scrunched my round toes into the hot, gritty sand.

"When did we get here?" I placed my right hand over my crinkled brows, shielding my eyes from the near-blinding sun directly overhead. On my body was a frilly, black bikini that I did not remember putting on.

"I want you to want me, I need you to need me..." Julian broke his humming into louder singing. He continued to arrange small stones in a line for no apparent reason. His blue-and-white, striped swim trunks were noticeably damp, with water droplets sluggishly sliding down his tanning calves.

I tried speaking up again, only to find that my voice was caught in the middle of my throat. The more I tried to talk to Julian, the more panic I would feel as I could not make a sound. It didn't matter what I wanted to say, because he wouldn't have been able to hear me. Yet, somehow, I knew I was in good hands, even through the silence.

Staring back at the ocean circled all around us, I chose to focus again on the sound of the gently crashing waves, until my throat muscles could relax enough to emit something audible. 

Julian strode over to me and took my hand, leading me to a spot in the sand where he had carved our names into a heart, outlined with pebbles and stones. 

He smiled proudly at his makeshift artwork, squinting his russet eyes in the sun, and I stood on my tiptoes to plant a small kiss on his full lips.

Strong, rough hands wrapped around the small of my back and Julian lifted me. With my heart pounding heavily, he carried us towards the shore while kissing me harder. When we were deep enough into the water, I unhooked my legs from around Julian's waist and ran my fingers along his slippery chest. He leaned down slightly, to press his forehead on mine, and looked into my eyes.

"Brooke."

I tried to reply and could not.

"Brooke?"

I grabbed Julian's forearm tightly, trying to communicate that I was there, and I was okay.

"Brooke!"

I woke myself up saying his name, and I wasn't sure if I was more relieved to have my voice back, or disappointed that I was not alone with Julian in my dream anymore. 

Rain was pounding on my bedroom window, tapping in odd rhythms, and the gray sky made it difficult to guess the time of day. When I sat up, my phone slid down from my ear, and I checked the screen. Julian must have hung up at some point in the night, because we were no longer connected. It was nearly two o'clock in the afternoon, and I had been asleep for at least eleven hours. 

It seemed that all I had been doing since I met Julian was sleep—a stark, but welcomed, contrast to the last several months of only getting a few hours of broken rest each night.

I sent him a good morning text and described some of the dream before showering and getting something to eat. I was a little surprised he hadn't replied yet. Mindlessly, I reached for the loaf of bread and warmed two slices. 

With my eyes glued to the phone screen, I sat at my table, nibbling plain toast. My appetite was starting to dwindle with every bite. 

Snickering at my ridiculous behavior, I flicked the television on and skipped through the channels. Sundays were at least good for one thing—interesting programming.

Surprisingly enough, one of my favorite movies, Vanilla Sky, was on. It was a quarter of the way through, but I decided to stick with it anyway. Somehow, the film's melding of dreams and reality, life and death, jealousy and trust, and the questionable phenomenon of love at first sight seemed especially relevant to me then.

My phone rang, startling me, and I picked up quickly, "Hello?"

"Hey, sweetie! How are you?" My mom's voice boomed through the speakerphone.

"Oh, hey, Ma. How are you doing?" I was appreciative for the distraction, even though my mom had the tendency to ramble almost as much as Laina.

"Just wonderful! We're having a great time on the cruise!" That's right, I thought. With everything that had happened in the last few days, I had completely forgotten that she, and my stepdad, Adam, were going on a trip.

"That's great, Ma. I'm glad you're both having fun." And I really was. Her job in the registrar office at Crestone College in Winter Park, along with being a part-time tutor, had been especially stressful for her in the previous few months. I was relieved, though, to know that Adam was always just down the hall from her, since he worked as a counselor at the same school... hence my decision not to attend there. "Where are you now?"

"At the Bahamas port. I haven't heard from you in a couple of days. What have you been up to, Brookie Monster?"

I really hated when she called me that, but it was pointless to fight it. Two decades of grumbling about the nickname did nothing to change Rose's mind.

"Not much. I spent a lot of time with Laina. We had a great time at the concert together." Conveniently, I left out the other details. "Oh, and I think I may have scored an interview with the Tucson Telegram. The editor sent me an e-mail back."

"Brooke, that's fantastic! I just know good things are coming for you. I'm so proud of you! Adam is, too!" I heard my mom relaying the details to him, then something like a foghorn sounded in the distance. "Oh, Brooke, they are calling us back on the ship. I will talk to you soon. Okay, honey? I love you!"

"I love you, too," I said, as I ended the call. For once, I wished the conversation had been longer, if only to divert my thoughts. 

I considered calling Laina, then decided against it. All she would do is bombard me with questions about Julian, and all I wanted to do was push him to the back of my mind, at least for the time being.

For a moment, I imagined being on the cruise ship with my parents. It was a decent distraction. 

My mom had been trying to convince me to go on the cruise with her and Adam, but being a third wheel to my parents wasn't exactly my idea of a good time. My perfect excuse was that Laina and I had the concert to attend that weekend. While that was true at the time, my excuses ran a bit deeper than that.

I knew my mom missed me since I'd moved to Arizona for my scholarship, but she worried too much. If I had gone on the trip with her and Adam, she would have seen me and instantly known something was wrong. 

She would have seen the scars. My bloodshot eyes. My frail, shaking frame. 

All of my efforts to keep her at a safe distance since my breakup with Caleb would have been for naught. But more importantly, if I had agreed to go on the cruise, I would have never met Julian. I subconsciously thanked Laina for finding and falling in love with Ascend the Stars, introducing me to their music, and making sure we scored those tickets.

The movie eventually ended, and hours passed without a peep from Julian. I worried that maybe I was coming on too strongly, too quickly. After all, I had just met this guy two days earlier, and I was already dreaming about him... and admitting those dreams to him. 

He probably thought I was crazy, desperate, and clingy. Of course he thought that... who wouldn't? 

Why, why, why did I tell him? I mentally berated myself.

Maybe it was for the best that Julian stopped responding to me. It was probably exhausting to keep up the act of feigning interest in me, for the sake of my feelings. Things could never, would never work between us, and we both knew it. I had nothing to offer him, and he had no reason to want a long distance girlfriend, when he could have a new girl every night if he liked. He was twenty-two, in a band, and traveling the world. The last thing he would want is commitment, especially to me. 

Girlfriend? What the hell was I imagining? 

It was not even wishful thinking anymore, just absurdity. This was about sex. Only lust and nothing else. The sooner I realized that, the sooner I could return to normal life. Still, my heart ached in a discernible way to imagine leaving Julian in the past, when all he gave me was hope for a better future. This frustrating, confusing attachment to him was driving me absolutely crazy.

Instantly, my phone lit up with a completely unanticipated new message.

I was humming Cheap Trick? That's the scariest nightmare I've ever heard. 

I laughed heartily at Julian's reply to my earlier text about my dream. I was amused, but mostly relieved, to finally hear from him. With one joke, he eased my trepidation and lit my skin on fire. 

Another .

I'm sorry I took so long to reply today. My battery was dead, so had to put the phone on charge, and we spent most the afternoon rehearsing. x

My fingers swept the keys. Keep it casual, I reminded myself, since I had already messed up once that day. 

No worries. How did the rehearsals go? Where are you now?

Great! Although I was a bit aloof. We are on the way to Las Vegas now. Devon's been taking the piss out of me, for mentioning you so much today. I was going mad trying to find my charger.

My chest felt warm and tight. 

I had no way to unscramble the jumbled thoughts and form a coherent reply.

.

Hey, have you got any messaging programs? Send me your username, if you do? Since we're driving, I probably can't *talk* in peace, with the lads around, but I want to chat with you online. Tomorrow's an off day before we play Vegas... Maybe we could even video chat then? x

1. "No Ceiling" by Cody Simpson

2. "Crush" (cover) by Abandoning Sunday