When I got into my room, I locked the door, then put on the deadbolt, and the chain that I had installed before, when people kept bursting into my room, and it pissed me off. I even moved the chest of drawers in front of the door. I shut the curtains, making sure the windows were locked, and then I went and ran myself a bath. I did a nice skincare routine and I had already felt myself calming down. I heard various shuffling behind my door, but no one actually knocked. I know everyone wanted to knock, but I knew they wouldn't dare because they knew, and if they didn't know Nadia would tell them, that if I was pushed any further that was it, and I genuinely would leave and never come back. I've done it before. Nadia pushed me once too far, and I didn't see her for two years, and in the end, she found me, I never even went back to her, she dragged me back to England.

I turned on my speaker, and blasted music through my room, getting frustrated by the shuffling I could hear. I sat on my bed and opened my laptop. I looked at the CCTV, and saw that it was Fabricio outside of my room. Every so often he would lift his hand as if he was about to knock, then pull his hand away, then do it again, until eventually he walked off. I felt sad seeing him like that, but I still needed my space. At about 3am, when I could see there was no one in the corridors or any of the rooms, I snuck downstairs and grabbed a crap-tonne of food, and then I went back upstairs, locking the door and putting the chest of drawers in front of it again. With the amount of food I had, I wouldn't need to leave my room at all for the next two days, at least, although the second room was Christmas day...

There was a knock on my door at about lunchtime of Christmas Eve, but it was just a maid, announcing she had brought me up some lunch. I was about to tell her to go away, but then I smelt it, and I pushed the chest of drawers out of the way, unlocked the door, grabbed the food and shut the door again quickly. There was another knock on my door at dinner time, and it was a maid again, announcing she had brought me food, but I said I didn't want anyway, and I heard her walk off.

I fell asleep pretty quickly that night, and woke up pretty late. I could hear loads of bustling around; everyone was getting ready for Christmas lunch. I couldn't tell if anyone had knocked on the door as of yet, but no one was knocking on it right now, and that was totally okay with me. I looked at the CCTV, and saw everyone was in the main lounge drinking and laughing at eachother, and I looked at the huge Christmas tree that had been erected, and was a multitude of colours, with a star on the top and hundreds of beautifully-wrapped presents underneath. That wasn't me. The gathering I saw there wasn't me. I was not the kind of person to sit around a tree drinking, laughing with the family, playing charades, wearing a shitty Christmas jumper, or saying crappy jokes that come out of a cheap Christmas cracker. None of that was me, and I don't know if it ever would be me. I didn't feel sad as I watched, I felt glad I wasn't there, because I was still very unsettled, and that would throw me over. I wanted to be there for lunch though, and I wanted to give out my presents to everyone, so I hopped in the shower and got dressed into a red jumper (festive colour at least), and some jeans. I went downstairs into the main dining room, where everyone was sat at a beautifully laid table, digging into their food.

"Sav, I'm sorry, we didn't know you were coming so we started," said Donna, looking very guilty and apologetic.

"I just came down to give out my presents, don't worry about dinner," I smiled at her. I handed everyone sat at the table a present, and they opened them one by one. For Donna, I got her a beautiful set of diamond earrings. For Loretta, I got her some lessons at a shooting range, because I know that's what she wanted. I got each of the capos knives that matched, but had slightly different patterns of engraving, and their names engraved in them too. For Dimitri I got him a hip flask, with his name engraved, as well as an otter, "because they're loyal, and sweet." For Nadia I just got her the latest Chanel bag, because I know she would like it. I got the twins matching ties from Hermes. I got Haris a book on a certain type of fighting style I thought he would be interested in. I got Nasir some baby stuff for his daughter's child. I got Aleksander a watch, that he really liked. Finally, I got Fabricio a dog collar. He held it up and looked at me confused.

"I bought you a puppy. It's not old enough to leave it's mum yet, but it can come in two weeks ish." He furrowed his brow slightly, but thanked me still. Everyone else was pretty happy with their gifts.

"Sit, have some food," said Donna, gesturing to my empty seat which had still been set, even though they had no idea whether I would be there or not.

During the lunch I pretty much stayed silent, but everyone else had lots of loud conversation. Fabricio often chimed in, but kept glancing at me to see if I was okay as I picked at my food. I did feel pretty trapped, and I hated it, but there was nothing I could do about it. I guess that is literally what being trapped is. After the lunch, everyone moved into the main lounge, and I turned to leave and go back to my room.

"Stay, at least let us give you our gifts," said Fabricio, grabbing my hand as I turned.

"Just for a bit," I agreed, and he led me into the main lounge.

Everyone handed me their gifts, and I opened them. They were pretty similar to my birthday, although Dimitri got me a knife, Haris got me a sniper gun, Nasir got me an automatic gun and some new boxing gloves. Aleksander got me a bottle of Polish alcohol, which was like 70%, I would definitely drink that. Mateo and Romeo got me a huge mug that said 'Size Matters' on it, which made me laugh a little. Nadia, Donna and Loretta got me jewellery, bags and clothes and stuff. Finally, Fabricio handed me a small box. I opened it to find a key. I looked up at him, and he smiled. "I bought us a cabin. Twenty-minute drive from here, less if you drive faster," he spoke to me, but was careful with his words, knowing I was still on edge. I went over to him and hugged him, telling him it was very thoughtful and thanking him. I turned and thanked everyone, and I turned and left the room.

The next few days I stayed in my room, only letting in maids to tidy a little, or to bring me some food. I went downstairs to say goodbye to Haris, Nasir and Aleksander, apologising for my absence, but they all understood I had been through an awful lot over my life, and it was understandable when my feelings finally caught up with me, I would need some space.

Two days before New Year's Eve, I woke up, and I felt fucking amazing for some reason. I jumped out of bed, got in the shower, got changed, and literally almost skipped down the stairs and into the breakfast room.

"You look happy," said Romeo, surprised. It was just him and Mateo in the room at the moment.

"I feel happy."

"That's good, everyone's been super worried about you," said Mateo.

"Why?"

"They thought you were depressed," Romeo shrugged.

"Did you?" I asked.

"Think you were depressed?" I nodded my head. "Nah," they said in unison. I went over to them and hugged them both, one arm around each.

"You are both my favourites now!" I exclaimed. "Where is everyone?"

"No idea," answered Mateo.

"I feel like..... going on a swim!" I went upstairs and quickly got changed again, into my bikini, and I ran outside, diving into the water. I swam lap after lap, and didn't even realise an audience had gathered until I stopped swimming and got up out of the water.

"Fuck, you look fit," said Fabricio, examining my entire body.

"Yeah, your girlfriend is hot," said Dino, standing next to him, who was quickly punched in the stomach by Fabricio. All of the capos and Dimitir were there, all looking professional in their suits.

"Aren't you cold?" asked Rico. I couldn't tell if that was a sly dig because I was only in a bikini, or a genuine concern.

"Thanks for your concern, but I have swam in colder waters than this," I said picking up my towel, wrapping it around me.

"Boys, leave," Fabricio commanded, and they followed his order. He walked over to me, undressing me with his eyes, though there wasn't much to undress. "You feeling better?"

"Much better, still need space from everyone, still need people to not annoy me or ask about me and you or any of that stuff because I will explode, I still want to avoid Nadia, but yeah, I'm okay."

"You still on for the ball?" he asked.

"I am still on for the ball," I stated.

"Did you like your Christmas present?"

"I really did, did you like yours?"

"I have some concerns," he said, furrowing his brow.

"Like?"

"The smell, the poop, the slobber, the smell, the wee, the vomit, the dog."

"Well... it's more a present for me then, because I really want one. I'll move out to the cabin with the dog if you don't want to see it," I shrugged me shoulders. He stepped towards me and snaked his arms around my waist. "Oi, my hair is going to soak your suit!"

"I don't care, and I will not let the puppy take you away from me. We will love it together, and I have maids for a reason," he smiled down at me and I smiled up at him.

"Together," I held out my pinky, and he linked his with mine, pinky promising me to not be an asshole to the innocent puppy.

"Get a bag for two days ready, we are going to the cabin tonight," he stated, making me smile. "I have work now, but we will leave together, just after dinner probably."

"What are we going to do there?" I asked, faking innocence.

"You already know what we are going to do there," he said seductively, making me tingle slightly, and want to drag him there right then and there.