trigger warning: suicide attempt

Robyn isn't used to being up at five in the morning but she has a test and she woke up at some stranger's room. Good thing her white shirt dress is long enough to hide the fact that she's only wearing underwear as she walks to her car, pants, jacket and purse hanging over her. With a sigh, she slams her door once she's in and turns on the ignition.

"Don't you have a test?"

Robyn jumps at the familiar voice and turns to the passenger seat. Xavier hasn't aged for five years like she did. He still has that stupid shaggy haircut that covers his eyes sometimes and that quirky smirk.

Her eyes turn to slits as she glares how he's casually sat, his feet up on the dashboard. "How many fucking times do I have to tell you to get those dirty feet off of my dashboard?"

With a roll of his blue eyes that's usually only for Robyn, he slides his feet off. "Someone's had a rough night."

Robyn ignores him as she starts to drive away from the street.

"What's his name?" he asks.

Robyn glances at him. "Chase, I think," she says, "Simon, maybe, I don't know."

Xavier snickers next to her. "Never thought Robyn Angela Maxwell would ever be one for one night stands with strangers," he says. "Me being gone made you more fun."

"There's nothing fun about you being gone," she says, voice clipped.

His laugh died down. "I know. I was kidding."

Robyn didn't say anything as the familiar heavy weight in her chest returns. Her eyes are trained to the dim road and she's dreading the sunrise.

"You didn't study for the test," he says, "You might fail."

"You're the last person to lecture me about that."

"Touché," he says, "Still though. Your dream was to be an optician, remember?"

"Ophthalmologists," she corrects, "We've been through this. Opticians do the eyeglasses and ophthalmologists are the ones that can actually do the surgery."

"Right," he says, elongating the "I" sound. "Because your brother only turned blind because that jackass hospital you went to delayed his operation when it wasn't covered by his insurance."

Her knuckles tighten to the steering wheel. "I'll be the doctor that'll help those who badly need it. Money won't be an issue."

"That's my girl," Xavier says.

The hold she has loosens. She misses him saying that so bad.

"It's your first year in medical school," he says, "You were the one that always lectured me about first impressions."

Robyn sighs, turning the steering wheel towards the main road. She wonders how the fuck did she agree to have sex with someone that lived so far from her campus. Skipping first period is now an option because she doesn't want to be tardy.

"Better late than never is what I'll always say," he states. Her brows scrunches together as she glances at Xavier's calm figure. Xavier turns to her and shrugs. "Why do you do this to yourself, Robyn," he says, "I've never seen you more in denial since the day you were falling for me."

"What are you – "

"You had psychology during sophomore year and you keep pretending you don't know that I just came from your head. Don't you remember?" He turns to her with a bored look. "You learned how hallucinations are common for those who are widowed for the first ten years after their spouse's death because it may be part of their grieving process."

Robyn's jaw clenches. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Xavier rolls his eyes. "I'm dead, Robyn," he says.

Her heart drops to her stomach and she inhales deeply.

"The problem with you is that you're not processing grief, you're delaying it."

"What the fuck do you want me to do?" she asks, angry tears starting to form.

Xavier turns back to the window before saying, "Get. Help."

"I don't need help," she says, making a sharp turn. The sound of screeching tires echoed through the dim surroundings.

Holding onto the dashboard, Xavier slides unexpectedly against the passenger door. "Be careful, Robyn," Xavier says in a softer tone.

Robyn's hold loosens and a quick sob escapes her mouth. Her vision is getting blurry but she wipes the sides of her eyes alternately, gaze on the road.

"I'm sorry," Xavier says, tone soft and sympathetic. "I want you to live your life – "

"What the fuck do you think I'm doing?" she says, exasperated as she stops to a red light. Robyn turns to him, fuming. "I just had a fucking one night stand. I have sex, I drink, I party! What the fuck is missing from me living my life?!"

"You and I both know that's not what living your life means for you," he replies sternly, "You told me so yourself, you never had fun with that type of shit." He turns to her and Robyn feels like his blue eyes can look through her soul. "You're just turning destructive."

Robyn sets her eyes to a glare. "You don't know shit about me anymore, Xavier. You've been gone for five years."

"Dead for five years," he corrects nonchalantly.

Her jaw clenches as her hands form into fists. "You've been dead for five years," she repeats back coldly.

Xavier gives her a boyish grin and oh, how she loathes and adores that grin at the same time. "There you go," he says, "You're getting the hang of it."

She turns back to the road and decides to run despite the red light. "You really are a fucking asshole," she says.

Xavier smirks. "You like to think that," he says. "Also you could get fined for that. There may not be cars there but the red light camera could have pick up something."

"Who the fuck cares?!"

"You used to."

A tensed silence stretches across them as Robyn drives up to the mountain pass. A pinkish hue illuminates the sky as dawn creeps in.

Xavier sighs and turns to Robyn. "Why do you like to think of me as an asshole who left you?"

"Because you are," she says, her knuckles turning white.

"It wasn't by choice Robyn," he says.

"Well, it was your fucking choice to be reckless and stupid."

"It was my mistake to be reckless and stupid," he says, "Leaving you was never a choice for me and you know that."

A silence stretches again and Robyn feels her heart thud against her chest, slow but painful. It was tearing her apart from the inside.

"I never loved anyone as much as I loved you," he says, "I've told you that too many times."

She'd give up anything to hear him say that again.

"You need to get better, Robyn," he says.

"I am getting better," she says but her tone is weak, "You might not think that but I am."

"Partying isn't getting better," he says, "Drinking isn't getting better."

"But they make me forget you're not here," she mumbles.

"Alcohol can only do so much, Robyn. It never helps with grief," he says. A scoff escapes his mouth as he shook his head. "You're such a devoted drinker, you took the most hardcore drink of all, didn't you?"

Robyn's jaw clenches.

"Bleach."

The car comes into a halting stop. A lone vehicle honks at her for stopping in the middle of the road and maneuvers past her car. Robyn glares at him, her eyes burning through the side of his face. "I vomited it out before anything could even fucking happen."

Xavier turns to her warily. "It never should have went over that point, Robyn."

"Well, it wasn't like you'd be any better at this," she says, her voice rising angrily. She turns back to the wheel and accelerates. "Tell me, Xavier," she says, "What would you have fucking done if our roles were switched? If I died and you were the one alive and suffering here?"

Through her peripheral vision, she sees Xavier gulp slowly. He turns away from her. "I probably wouldn't have lasted the five years."

She speeds up even more.

Xavier clenches over the grab handle. "But we both know you're not me," he says over the riveting engine.

Robyn barely catches what he says. Her eyes are locked at the road, the grey cement slithering to a curve with a white fence, signaling it was time to turn so vehicles won't go over a cliff. Her knuckles clench tighter and her vision blurs. She isn't going to turn.

"Robyn," Xavier cautions as they accelerate.

Tears are streaming down her face. She can't live like this anymore. Not without Xavier.

"Robyn, don't do this," Xavier yells.

She feels numb from all her actions. She doesn't feel the pressure of the seatbelt across her chest, the hardness of the steering wheel against her clutches, the weight of her foot against accelerator.

"Robyn, stop!"

At the end of that fence all she can see was Xavier. Her Xavier. She's finally going to be with him again.

"You know I don't want this for you!"

The car halts, the front bumper clashing lightly against the fence. Robyn stares as the vision of Xavier dissipates. She crumbles over the steering wheel, her whole body collapsing as she lets out sobs.

"I would never want this for you," Xavier says, "That's what made you throw everything up the first time. You know I would never want your life to stop because mine did."

Robyn cries harder with wails echoing in the car.

"I love you, Robyn, and the only reason why I wouldn't survive without you was because I had nothing going on for me except for you," he says, "But you...you had dreams. You had a future that you had dreamt about even before I came into the picture, Robyn. Meeting me didn't stop that and sure as hell, loosing me shouldn't stop that either."

"I miss you so much," Robyn sobs, "It's been so fucking hard without you."

"I know," Xavier says, "I'm sorry everything had to happen like this. I'll always be here, Robyn. Whether I'd be supporting you all the way from hell."

Robyn chuckles despite her tears because Xavier always says that. He'll support her no matter what even from hell and back. She turns her head and finds the figment of Xavier gone and as the sun rises up to welcome a new day, a glint catches by the dashboard. With shaky fingers, Robyn picks it up to see a business card from a counselling service she's received a month back.

Get help, Xavier's voice lingers in her head.

this is actually just before the letters start but it is after the accident so there you go.

i've only planned two bonus chapters for dear asshole but feel free to comment if there's any event from the letters you'd like me to write like this. i'll see what i can do with your request.

again, thank you.