FIVE

Dear Asshole,

I know it’s been eight months since I last wrote but the last one took a toll on me. You made me cry again, you jerk face. But, I’m back to tell you how much I hate you and how much I want to cause you physical pain.

Let’s get to it, then.

I’m going to write about your pranks. You know, to lighten the mood a bit from the last one. Haha. Yeah, I’d probably still be mean about it but it would be a breather for me to write about how much of a duffus you were.

You have a lot of pranks so I’ll just go with the three pranks I remember the most.

Let’s start with your first one. You know, the “whoopee cushion” thing with the bus driver. It was the first Friday of high school when you decided to whoopee cushion the bus driver. It was pretty lame but it made you known. Besides most of our bus mates were morons anyway.

Next up, was the prank that caused us to work with each other. You know the one for Kevin Dale but instead our principal experienced it. (Poor Principal, had that bald spot for months) You got a lot of trouble there Xavier and you had to do a curricular activity because of it. Out of all the freaking curricular activity you could do, you chose the homecoming committee.

Why the hell did you do that, Xavier?

You could have joined the school paper or the volunteer’s group, you dick. But, no. You chose the homecoming committee because you knew you’d hardly be doing anything. Well, you always were a smart-ass, Xavier Morgan.

Next prank that I so vividly remember was the one I helped you with Xavier. Remember? You still wanted to get back on Kevin Dale so you forced me to help you. God. I wanted to skin you then feed your balls to my dog – well, first, I’ll buy a dog then feed your balls to him. The point is: I was pissed.

Why Xavier? Why the hell did you make me help you?

Was it some sort of bonding thing?

Was it a way to get to know each other?

Anyway, the macaroni prank was epic. Never in my life would I thought that an essential ingredient of one my favorite foods – Mac and Cheese – could be used with so much evil. Got to hand it to you Xavier, you’re good.

Too good.

Want to skin you alive,

Robyn