PART V - HELEN

Aimee drove me home that evening though she offered me to spend the night.

I needed some alone-time after this day. First Jamie, then Baker, then Sofia – I felt betrayed, abandoned, and pushed around.

When I entered the house, I heard someone clatter with pots in the kitchen.

Amanda was my first thought.

Then: Amanda is away, and it's Monday, her free day.

I didn't even take off my shoes before I tiptoed my way to the kitchen. The door squeaked and Amanda exclaimed: "Jesus Christ!"

"You can call me that too, if you want," I said jokingly, calmed by the fact it was actually her.

"Lenny, you scared the shit out of me! I didn't hear you come in!"

"Why are you home already?" I asked, hoping her sister had not died.

She put down the wok pan she was holding in her hand and hugged me. Amanda was a petit person, even shorter than I was. I have no idea how she managed to cook for us, keep the house clean, and, for the most part, raise me.

"My sister is fine if that's what you're asking. The hospital discharged her this morning. She was just being dramatic."

I heaved myself on the kitchen counter and dangled with my feet. When I was younger, I would do the same when my mom helped Amanda in the kitchen – not because Amanda needed help, but because she wanted to. My mom loved to cook. It was her way to be home again, even though she lived so far away. She never taught me, and of course, I regretted it.

"Would you like to eat something?"

I shook my head. "I already ate at Grandma's."

Still, I stayed in the kitchen. This was better than alone-time. I watched Amanda as she prepared the food. She moved through the kitchen elegantly, she chopped vegetables and seared them, her hand knew exactly where to reach for the spices.

"I don't want to be a housewife," I said into the silence.

Amanda laughed shortly. "No one is expecting you to be, Honey."

I thought about how to put what I wanted to say. "I think that Jamie has a different idea of our shared life than I have."

She put down the wooden spoon and turned to me. "What makes you think that?"

"It's probably nothing," I said, though it had stayed in my head ever since Jamie said it. "Like half a year ago – maybe longer, it was before Mom... doesn't matter. We talked about marriage and children and all that and we agreed on marrying right after college and then having two children. We even used this silly filter that merges two faces into one, you know? And he was like 'They're gonna have the best mommy to raise them'. And until this day I don't know whether he just paid me a compliment or if in his mind, I will be the one to stay at home or –"

I stopped midsentence, feeling silly I even brought it up.

Amanda took both my hands into hers. This gesture felt so motherly that I had to swallow.

"You are not obliged to do anything you don't want to, Lenny. You are an intelligent, smart, independent woman. Jamie knows that. Have you talked to him about it?"

I shook my head. Obviously, I was not good at talking about things that make me uncomfortable.

"You should, mh?"

I wrapped my arms around her neck. It was an awkward hug because I was sitting on the counter and she was so small, but she hugged me back, and, in that position, we stayed until we realized that the food was about to burn.

She put a tiny serving into a bowl and gave it to me, then put the rest onto a plate and sat down across from me on the kitchen island. She grinned at me. We would never, ever do this if Dad was home. But I could imagine Mom sitting right next to Amanda on the island, eating baked vegetables, the day's last rays of sunshine on her face.