the beeping of the heart monitor beeped making me groan, it took me less than a second to remember everything that had happened.

I shot my eyes open ignoring the blinding light and just focusing on the physical and mental pain I am feeling.

I wrapped my arms around my stomach and brought my knees closer to my chest.

he's fucked up more than I gave him credit for, I don't know how many time I've said this but he will pay for everything. he will pay for every life he took from me.

I wanted an abortion, yes but I wasn't sure, I wasn't sure if I was ready to go through it or if I was ready to raise a kid on my own or with him and making it's life miserable. I wasn't sure of anything because I didn't want any of it.

abortion would've been a better thing than what he did, he not only killed an innocent soul but also enjoyed it.

I just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore.

a doctor that I had never seen before rushed to me and held my hand pulling me out of my trance, I looked at her in confusion because there is no reason for her to hold my hand.

she looked around as if checking if someone is watching then looked at me and said "I am doctor ashely, domenico sent me to tell you that he has a plan and you'll be out of here in your engagement party.".

I frowned at that, I don't even know what she's talking about. but this is good news, I will be out of here.

"carlos announced it 3 days ago, you know how things work in the underground... once you're engaged it will be harder to reach you."

aha

"the plan is some men will take you and domenico will announce your engagement to his older son damon."

I don't know how I feel about this particular part but I am grateful I will be out.

"that way it will be harder for carlos to reach you and if he tries anything other mafias will have a valid reason to take him down without breaking the lines.".

she looked at me in sympathy and said "I'm sorry for your loss, that was horrib-" but the door burst open revealing a smirking carlos.

a shiver ran down my spine and my eyes watered as an image of him smirking after he raped me flashed through my eyes.

ashely closed her eyes probably calming herself down then stood up and said " her uterus is damaged a little and any sexual activities in the next few weeks could lead to severe damage which might lead to a uterus removal.".

I can't tell if what she's saying is legit or just to keep him away, I hope it's to keep him away. I can't loose that to him too.

the smirk turned into a frown and he said " how many weeks exactly?", she shrugged her shoulders and said "it depends on how her body heals, it could take a month if she's well fed, not stressed, and relaxed.".

he groaned in annoyance and ran a hand over his hair, ashely took it as her chance to look at me and shook her head as a no which was enough to somehow make me feel better.

"she will have no issues getting pregnant later right?" he asked as if he's concerned not like he just fucking killed a baby.

"if you let her uterus heal yes." she answered, he nodded and said "you can leave".

that sentence alone made my eyes widen and my stomach twist, she gave me one last reassuring look before leaving.

he took long strides towards me and said "how do you feel after getting what you wanted?", I looked away not wanting to say something that could provoke him or make him touch me.

he chuckled and said "well well well, who thought fucking a bunch of cells out of you would make you shut up, I would've done it 6 months ago if I knew.".

I closed my eyes trying to ignore his words and think of something else.

"our engagement party is in 2 days, till then you will stay chained unless you want to use the bathroom." he said with a smirk as he held my wrist tightly.

I didn't fight or answer, 2 day....2 days and I will be out of here...2 day and I will start my revenge.

he chained my first wrist then held the other and said "I am liking this, now I know how to get you on line if you ever decide to go back to how you were.".

I closed my eyes not wanting to look at him because I will explode if I do so, he leaned closer and placed a kiss on my neck making me shiver in disgust.

he chuckled again and said " have some rest, I have a lot of planning to do." before pulling away and leaving.

I let out a sigh not realizing the tears I let out along with my breath, 'just 2 days' my subconscious reassured.

him not touching me should make the 2 days better, I should be grateful I have a way out. some girls don't and are forced to stay with their rapist and pretend it's nothing and that everything is fine.

at least I still have some control over my mind and feelings and didn't get sucked into Stockholm syndrome.

at least I still have myself... kind of.

but what will I have when I am out? after the revenge? nothing.... absolutely nothing but painful memories and emptiness.

maybe my mom but what if she doesn't want me? what if all I will ever be to her is a painful reminder of her past?

I won't blame her tho, specially after going through what she went through.

my father....the man I lived with for years was once like the monster I am with right now.

I could've been that man's daughter...alejandro. I could've had a loving family away from gangs or within them doesn't matter but I would've grew up having two loving parents.

maybe he would've protected me from carlos or never even thought of getting me into an arranged marriage.

my father on the other hand messed up a lot but I can't bring myself to hate him, he's dead and he doesn't have a chance to explain anything.

maybe there is something that I don't know about that would make him less guilty...but no, no rapist is not guilty. all of them are

the moment a person decides to take another person against their well they become guilty and no amount of excuses could make the guilt less.

this is so messed up... I know I will never be the same, I will never be happy again or trust anyone again.

that alone is breaking me more than my loss, the baby, levi, nathan, ivan, kiara, trisha, and I hate to include him....my father.