I've been sitting here waiting for the doctor for about 2 minutes now, but it felt like hours.

the pain in my abdomen is still there, it's bearable but disturbing because it could be the end of something I am not so sure about.

abortion is different than miscarriage. abortion is chosen and the woman is sort of ready, she knows what to expect unless it's forced on her.

but miscarriage and like this is way worse, first, I am not ready at all because I don't even know what I want.

him being the father is not a problem if he stays away but I know what kind of life the baby would have if I don't escape. which is what scaring me.

if it's a boy he will be forced to kill, I don't want that..I want my kid to have a choice and a voice.

and if it's a girl then all her rights as a human go to the trash, he might even force a marriage on her for power.

just thinking of that happening to something I'm or my body is taking care of makes my heart ache.

did my mother think of me like this? did she ever want an abortion?

the doctor came in pulling me out of my thoughts, she gave me a nod of acknowledgement then looked at carlos and asked "what happened?".

he looked at her and said "she's bleeding, do your job and if anything happens to the baby you die. also check if the pregnancy is of any threat to her health." in a monotone.

how can he be so fucking delusional? he fucking did this! why does she have to die if something happens?

he should, he did this.

she just nodded and came towards me, the humiliation I am feeling right now is above everything else.

she knows what happened and everyone else does but they choose to stand by and watch, this is expected in a household of someone in the mafia but it got me thinking about society.

this happens...women and men getting raped and the rapist having a 5-6 years in jail only. that's not fair at all because the woman or the man will always have that memory no matter how many therapist they go to.

rapists should have a painful punishment to remind them of the trauma they caused someone.

what is a few years in jail gonna do? they will sit by, make friends and boom they're out.

rape in the underground is just so fucked up, it's a flex, it's a source of power.

I slightly jumped when I felt the doctor's hand on my stomach, she put a cold gel and looked at the screen I didn't notice was here.

a nurse came which maybe means she's the one who got the screen, the doctor pressed some buttons and a few moments later a grey, white, and black image popped up.

she moved a stick like thingie (she means transducer) on my stomach and looked thoughtfully at the screen.

I looked again and spotted a little something, I've watched enough movies to know it's the fetus.

she turned it off not giving me enough time to even think of anything then said "I will do the check up now.", I don't want to! he just fucking raped me, I need a shower.

"I want to take a shower first" I said, she let out a breath and was about to nod but he said "do the check up now.".

he didn't cum in me but it's still disgusting.

she moved her gloved hand to my vagina and I closed my eyes feeling the humiliation settle in.

a random argument between me and nathan crossed my mind and I let my mind pull me into a trance in hope of forgetting what's going on.

*flashback*

"nathannnnnnnnn" I said in a cheerful tone, "no!" he replied as if he already knows what I want.

I rolled my eyes and said "you don't even know what I want.", "aha, shoot" he said his amber eyes following my every movement.

" I have a list of things to do, one thing is putting make up on a guy. I know... weird but the thing is you will have to go out with me like to the mall or something. I asked ivan but he said no, so uhmm can you?" I said hoping he'd say yes.

he raised an eyebrow and said "I am a second choice now huh, well no.", "bummer" I mumbled under my breath.

I only have one more person to ask, xavier....trisha's brother.

I huffed and walked out but stopped when he asked "where are you going?", "well you don't want to do it, I will have to ask someone else." I answered.

he crossed his arms and asked "who?", I narrowed my eyes mockingly and said "it's none of your business.".

he walked towards me and said "he's one of your hook ups right?" rolling his eyes which wasn't playfully.

that pissed me off and I said "bro can you stop making it seem like I am a walking STD? I only hooked up with 4 guys you being the 5th." the hormones of my period probably adding to my anger.

he got closer and said "don't bro me, and yeah just 4 not a biggie.", I chuckled at his statement and said "since we're judging each other now, what about the 9 girls me being the 10th?" .

he shook his head and said "I went out with them, I didn't have sex with all of them.".

"yeah sure, not like 5 or 6 of them were telling basically everyone how big your dick is." I shot back.

I let out a sigh and said "you know what, forget about this I don't want it to get worse. I am leaving.".

I turned to walk away but he grabbed my arm and turned me to him then said "I am sorry, I didn't mean for the argument to go that way. I was just upset because you usually nag on me till I do what you want but you didn't today.".

I bit my lip then said " I didn't feel like forcing you to do shit.", "you always force me to do shit." he scoffed.

I wowed to which he said " that's not what I meant, yes I act like I hate whatever you do but you know I enjoy spending time with you, you know that...you know I love doing things with you. I'd love anything with you even if it's eating saggy nachos.".

I scrunched my nose and said "that's a bit too far", he laughed then said " come here." as he opened his arms.

I took a step back and said "no, I am mad at you.", he laughed then pulled me into him and said " you know you can never get enough of my hugs.".

I smiled and wrapped my arms around him then said "shut up", he chuckled again the asked " you want some snacks?".

I nodded and answered "ice cream please, my cramps are killing me.", he tightened his hold on me because he knows I like it then said "go lay down, I will get you snacks from downstairs and heat the heating pad.".

I nodded and and laid on his bed watching him leave the room.

*end of flashback*

"the fetus is...fine, but there is a risk of miscarriage because amber's body is not as strong as it should be due to her just waking up from a coma. she will have to stay at bed rest for 2 weeks, there will be a nurse to help her with a 5 minute walk everyday but other than that she should stay in bed. also no sexual activities should be done in the next 2 weeks, it could harm the fetus.".

the doctor's voice pulled me out of my trance.

thank god, at least he won't touch me. I will be good that way.

I looked at carlos to see him clenching his jaw and looking like he's about to explode.

"I can give you some painkiller if you're having any cramp-." the doctor said but was interrupted by carlos "no she won't have any, she wants this. let her have it."

I clutched the covers tightly and let out a sigh trying not to loose my shit, I turned around and closed my eyes trying to sleep through the uncomfortable pain but I can't so I opened my eyes again and stared at the wall facing me.

I will be screwed if domenico doesn't help me, I hate having to rely on others but I have to now.

what I hate is that I can't runaway unless it's with a plan because I don't want to make things worse for myself.

I am not stupid to just knock some guards and leave, I know he will find me in a matter of minutes.

me not knowing the exact address isn't much of a help either.

so my only ticket out is domenico and patience is the way to get it.

I was too caught up in my thoughts that I didn't notice the doctor was gone, it's just me and him now.

I wrapped my arms around my stomach and let out a sigh.

"you know what's happening is your fault right?" carlos stated more than asked, "Yeah just like you being a psychopath is my fault right?" I shot back.

I heard wood hitting the hard floor which made me slightly jump, I turned around to see the chair he was sitting on on the floor in pieces and him holding his head between his hands and cursing under his breath.

he glared at me then left slamming the door shot, seconds later a nurse came in and sat on the sofa.

I looked around the room for the first time to see a fairly decorated walls, beige sofas, a black tv and a little library.

my eyes scanned the rest to find two doors, probably the bathroom and the closet.

speaking of which, I need a shower. the feeling of his hands squeezing my ass and touching me is still there and I hate it. every bit of it.

I slowly sat up clutching the covers over my chest as the pain in my abdomen stood out like needles are poking the area.

the nurse got up as if she saw a ghost and said "no ma'am you should rest.", I shook my head and said " I will after I take a shower.".

she nodded and held my hand helping me walk because every muscle in my body is tense and sore while I kept the covers on me with the other hand.

once in I told her to leave and surprisingly she did.

I looked up at the mirror to see the same thing I saw in the mirror after every time, I pushed the lump that has rose at the back of my throat and limped to the bathtub.

I filled it with water and couldn't help but think of what happened last time I took a bath, but no I am not thinking of it.

I am strong.

I laid in the bathtub not really caring if it's filled yet or not and let my mind take me back to a random memory of nathan, ivan, trisha, and kiara.

*flashback*

"hey guysss" kiara said looking as energetic as ever.

"hii" we all replied at the same time.

" take a look at your thumbs and tell me if you see a letter, if yes tell me what it is." she said sounding excited.

we all looked at our thumbs and I found a letter.

I looked at her and asked "what is this about?", she sat down next to trisha and said " I saw a tiktok that said the letter you find on your thumb is the first letter of your soulmate's name.".

"that's stupid" ivan said with a laugh, kiara glared at him and said "shut up and tell me the letter, all of you.".

trisha shrugged her shoulders and said " k", kai parker immediately popped in my head and I screamed "KAI PARKER.".

she laughed and said "I wish", we both let out a sigh and I said " me too.".

ivan then said " mine is s.", ivan is bi so seline, syble, stephan and silas are the names that popped in my head.

I LOVE the vampire diaries, it's one of my favorite series.

"silas, seline, stephan or syble" I said getting excited over this, he chuckled and said "nah I am not into sirens or vampires.".

I rolled my eyes and said "boringgggg", he ignored me then looked at nathan and asked "what's your letter?".

nathan narrowed his eyes and trailed "I can't tell if it's an M or....an A", I immediately screamed "MATTY RATTY!".

Ivan burst into laughter and said "he did look sus the entire show.", kiara joined in and soon trisha.

nathan rolled his eyes and said "oh yeah, what about you?", I smirked knowing what I got and said "D, damon.".

his smile dropped for a second and an odd emotion replaced his annoyed expression but he soon covered it with a smile, is he dumb? does he not know who I am referring to?

I cleared my throat as if preparing to say a speech and said "damon salvatore, ahhhh those eyes or the smirkkkkk.".

"or it could be that dean you fucked with." ivan said with a laugh. I threw a pillow at him and said "shut up, I like to think of damon.".

kiara gave me a look and said "how come I didn't know?", I gave her an awkward smile and said "what did you want me to say?".

Ivan clutched his stomach and said "I wouldn't have known if I didn't see a hickey on her neck, so don't worry I am not special.".

I shot him a glare and said "shut up!.", "you and dean, sitting on a tree. should I say fucking or kissing?" he sang annoyingly.

"ivan shut up, we don't want to know about her hook ups and there was absolutely no point of you saying what you just said." nathan said before standing up and leaving to the kitchen.

"oh my, there he goes....burning in the flames of jealousy." kiara said in her poet voice. I let out a sigh and walked to the kitchen after nathan.

he's standing with his back facing me, "nathan?" I called. he turned to me with a fake smile showing a little of his dimple then said "yeah?".

"why are you mad?" I asked not really knowing why, I don't want to assume he got jealous because there is a big possibility it's not the reason and I don't want to get ahead of myself.

"I am just upset about something, I rather not talk about it." he said to which I just nodded, for the first time I am confused on whether this is a shut up situation or not.

*end of flashback*

(do you have have a letter? I have an A stuck to a K, I don't know which one to count)

I really miss all of them and the fact that those memories are all I will ever get of them is heavy on my chest.

I really don't know what to do with my life, I don't even know if this is the right reaction for everything that had happened.

I feel numb and it's like I've got used to everything but I don't want that, I want to feel which is the reason I feel the pain but I just...I am out of words.

I don't know what to say to describe how I am feeling, I feel empty.....I feel like at this point the only thing that's keeping me somehow collected is my feminism and revenge.

all I have now is the hope of getting anything from domenico, meeting my mom and the fact that carlos won't touch me for the next 2 weeks.

those are enough for now but I don't know what I will do if domenico doesn't agree.