the last 3 weeks were a living hell, he raped me into unconsciousness every single night and whipped me every 3 days because my blood oozing down my back and me wincing and screaming in pain turns him on.

he threatened me with ivan, nathan, kiara and trisha whenever I talked back or tried putting some sense into his head which is what's keeping me sane right now.

I thought I was strong but 3 week here and I'm already tired of life, I don't know how long I can take this anymore.

the beatings are fine but what's getting to me is the rape, I try to fill myself with memories when it's happening but no matter how good I'm at zoning out it doesn't change the fact that it's happening.

it doesn't make the humiliation disappear or what I see in the mirror afterwards unreal.

my body is in constant pain from my head that's been banged on the wall so many times to my sore ankles from the ankle chains he uses to tie me to the bed.

I spent the days where I couldn't walk or move tied up to the bed or him wiping and cleaning my back. whereas the days that I was able to walk, mostly in the bath tub trying to wash his touch away but it never worked or crying.

I can always feel his hands on me and it disgusts me.

thankfully I just got my period which will save me from him for the next 7 days, I found some pads in one of drawers and used them.

the cramps of my period always required painkillers which I know he won't get because I fainted thrice from the pain of getting whipped which lead him to get me a doctor.

she suggested painkiller and " it's her choice to live in pain, why get in the way and give her painkillers." were his words.

I know it will get worse because today is the third day of the cycle he created, which means he will whip me today.

but it's better than touching me, at least it doesn't affect my mental strength.

"have I ever told you that 3 is my favorite number?" he asked in a cheerful voice pulling me out of my trance.

I just stayed in the position I'm laying on saving every bit of comfort because I know he will start his abuse soon and my cramps will add up to it.

he grabbed my hair roughly and hissed " when I ask you something you fucking answer.", I held back the wince and waited for him to let go.

"you don't fucking ignore me!" he growled, I stayed silent not wanting to give in not a bit, he dragged me down to he floor which made me whimper.

he kicked my stomach earning a cry out of me, my eyes teared up as the kick knocked the air out of me.

I clutched my stomach and tried to breathe but another cry left my mouth when he kicked my hand on my stomach and yelled "understand?".

I pulled my legs closer to me and said "fuck you", 'you're making it worse for yourself' is what a third person would say but to me... I'm proving my point.

these monsters meaning people who head to abuse as a way to make people listen, do it because they know it works. why give them what they want?

plus carlos has already done a number on me, why listen or obey him?

"oh I will" he growled before grabbing my hair and pulling me to the bed, " I got my period" I managed to say between whimpers of him biting my chest.

he pulled away and looked at me with an amused expression, "you really think blood will stop me from claiming you?" he said before quickly turning me on my stomach.

"CARLOS NO!" I screamed as he pulled the black pants I'm wearing down, he spanked my ass making me hiss in pain because the wounds of the previous whips haven't healed yet.

"I think you need a reminder of what turns me on." he whispered darkly in my ear before slamming his hand on my mouth.

"NO!" is what I wanted to scream but his hand muffled my protests, he bit down my neck making me scream and cry out in pain as his teeth pierced my skin.

he took his hand off and I felt his finger brush the area, he turned me around so I'm facing him and said "this" he showed me his finger that is covered with my blood then smirked and continued " is what turns me on, that's why I never stop till I see you covered in blood from both holes and your back.".

tears blurred my vision and my lip quivered as a sob threatened to escape my lips, he tilted his head and said " you want to cry? okay! I will give you a reason to.".

he turned me on my stomach harshly and handcuffed my wrists to the bed board. all while I tried to hold back my tears.

in my 3 weeks stay here, I teared up in front of him but never broke down. it all happened in the bathroom where no one was there to see.

he went somewhere and I now know that he only goes away to get a whip or a belt depending on his mood.

I heard his steps getting closer and closed my eyes tightly preparing my body for the familiar pain.

I jolted forward and cried in pain when the rough leather made contact with my skin, he landed a harsher whip and said " don't you dare push me away again".

I buried my head into the pillow to prevent myself from breaking down, I know what follows this.

he landed another whip then another and another till I couldn't breathe anymore.

he brushed his hand against my bloody back making every new and reopened wound sting.

he trailed his hand down my spine and to my ass then pulled down my panties making me loose all my control.

I let out a sob and begged " please don't", I heard him chuckle before he said "is that you begging I hear? if doing just this made you beg, what will you do when I'm inside you?".

I sobbed again but only half of it was let out while the other got interrupted by my piercing scream the moment he thrusted in me.

my cries grew and mixed with his grunts as he thrusted in me mercilessly for what seemed to be years but in fact was about 20 minutes.

" I finally broke you, you have no idea how satisfied I'm to finally get to see you cry and break in front of me rather than on a screen." he grunted with a thrust and filled me with his cum.

unlike the other times, I stayed the way I am and cried not caring about him seeing my weakness anymore.

I don't know what he said or where he went because all I focused on was crying, letting out my sobs instead of muffling them with my hands.

I poured my heart out till his footsteps approached me and he uncuffed my wrists, he wrapped his arms around me and forcefully dragged me to the bathroom.

I didn't struggle or protest, I just let him because I'm done.

I'm weak and pathetic, it's better if everything ends here, physical pain is something I'm capable of bearing but I can't take the rest anymore.

he said something but my mind is crowded with thoughts and memories.

he slammed the door shut and locked it from the outside, I limped to the bathtub my pain not mattering anymore and opened the water.

I limped back to the mirror and looked at myself blankly, my eyes look dead and the strong woman that once shined is now no longer there.

I saw the reflection of the ring that carlos surprisingly didn't take even tho he knows it's from nathan.

flashbacks of when nathan gave it to me filled my mind.

*flashback*

"I have a little something for you" nathan said with his hands behind his back obviously hiding something.

"for?" I asked curiously afraid that I might've forgot an occasion.

he smiled and said "no reason, I just want you to have this." as he pulled a black little box.

I squealed and took it from him like a little girl snatching chocolate from her parents after not having any for months.

he chuckled and said "open it.", I did and my jaw dropped to the floor. it's chatnoir's ring! I've always wanted one but they were always sold out.

I was too lazy to go to a shop and have one customized.

"thank you, thank you, thank you!" I screamed and threw myself on him, he chuckled and held me tightly then said "I will get you his suit if I get a hug as tight as this one.".

I kissed his cheek and said "thank you, I love it!".

he took it from my hands and said " it's has our letter in it, so loosing it and replacing it with another is not an option.".

I smiled at that and looked at at the spot he' s looking at but instead of N+A there is D+A.

I frowned and looked at him for an explanation, he smiled and said " D from my last name, I want to be your only D not that dean." in a playful tone with a hint of seriousness.

I rolled my eyes but kiara joined in before I could comment "I'd think you're dating again by how you act around each other if I didn't know you".

I felt an uneasiness wash over my body, I'm over him and it's been about 8 months since we broke up but the mention of us being together still affects me.

*end of flashback*

I took the ring off and just looked at it, the D+A that I always saw craved into it is no where to be found.

I turned the ring around but nothing, just plain... which could only mean that this isn't the original ring.

flashbacks from that stupid night when I saw carlos put something in his pocket flashed in my head, it all makes sense now.

he killed levi for wanting to confess yet he let me keep this one.... because it's not from nathan.....it's from him.

the ring that kept me going for some time is from the source of my pain.

I clutched the counter trying to calm down but what's the point? it will be over in minutes.

I grabbed the hair brush on the counter and threw it at the mirror making it shatter into pieces.

I grabbed the biggest piece of glass I could find and walked to the now filled bathtub, I sat down and took the pain in.

I brought my wrists up and placed the tip of the glass on top of the edge of my wrist, I added a little pressure and felt it slice my skin.

that little pain is nothing compared to what I'm feeling, physically and mentally.

I thought I was strong and could take his ways but I can't, ending everything is the last sign of strength I will show.

I refuse to be one of his victims or give him the satisfaction of seeing me in pain ever again.

this is it. it ends here.

I dragged the glass all the way to my the other edge of my wrist.

I took the glass and with my now shaky and blooded hand, I pressed the tip against the edge of my left wrist.

I dragged it all the way to the other edge and held into the piece of glass, I fisted my hand around it feeling it slicing the inside of my hand. the more blood I loose the sooner this ends.

I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath.

I moved the piece of glass to my right hand and did the same, this is the last pain I will feel.

the bathroom began spinning making me smile. this is it.

the door burst open and in came an unexplainable looking carlos, dark spots blurred my vision making my smile grow wider.

I felt his hands around me and his distant voice asking me to stay awake but I looked at him one last time and said " you said my blood turns you on, now you can fuck yourself thinking of my bloody body in this bathtub. I hate you carlos, I really do.".

I closed my eyes and let the darkness swallow me.