"We're on the right side of rock bottom and I hope that we keep falling"

Rock Bottom (Haiz)

months passed since Harold and I met after the elevator incident and they were all filled with a joy that I hadn't felt in such a long time. It was almost too perfect. Everything felt so easy, the way our lives fell into place around each other's. I kept wondering when it would all fall apart. There was so much that I haven't told Harold and it was all so vital to our relationship.

Maybe I was prolonging the pain that would come when he left after I tell him about my truth.

When my eyes caught Holly slowly walking through the restaurant doors, I shooed away my frown and replaced it with a smile. I stood and opened my arms out for her.

"Hey, mom," she whispered, hugging me tightly.

"Hey, darling," I whispered back, hugging her tighter just for another second. We finally let go and I helped her sit before I took my own seat in front of her.

"You're beaming, mom, what's going on?" she tilted her head at me, her eyes glistening in that knowing way of hers.

I smiled. "Nothing's going on, love. You should order."

"Wha," she stopped short, looking at me with stupefied eyes, "now I know there's definitely something going on. What is it?"

"Fine, I'll tell you after you order," I chuckled, signaling at the waiter.

Holly scoffed as the waiter approached our table with the same smile he'd greeted me with and turned to Holly. "What can I get you, Ma'am?"

I watched her closely as she quickly looked over the menu and said, "Can I get a cheeseburger with extra cheese and large salted fries?"

He nodded. "And a drink?"

"Iced Pepsi, please."

He nodded once more, before saying, "Alright, I'll be right back with your order," and walking away.

"Holly, you just ordered salt and carbs on a plate. I thought your doctor and I talked to you about this," I scolded her after the waiter had gone out of sight.

She shrugged. "Why does it matter anyway? I'm 79 years old, I think I deserve to eat whatever I want."

"Holly!" I rebuked, leaning in a bit, "I need you to stay alive. You know you're the only one I have left. You won't live that long if you keep eating this way with your health issues."

She sighed in defeat after a while. "I know, mom. I'm sorry."

I shook my head and let go of the negative thoughts of something terrible happening to my only daughter. "It's alright, love. Just be careful, for my sake."

"I will," she nodded and quickly changed moods as her face lit up in remembrance. "Hey, you told you you'd tell me whatever was making you all giddy after I ordered."

I took a sip from my water. "Do you really wanna know?"

"Stop trying to not tell me that story," she argued firmly. "Tell me now."

Knowing she wasn't going to let this go, I caved in. "Fine, I met someone."

Her eyes widened. "You what?"

"I met a guy," I repeated, amused.

"Like a guy guy?"

I made a face. "What else is there?"

She snickered. "No, I meant is he someone that you like like?"

"Like like? What are you, a fifth grader?" I teased.

"Just answer the question, mom," she rolled her eyes. Sometimes it was difficult to remember that she was a grandmother who was 79 years old; she acted so much like a preteen, it was misleading.

I sighed. "Yes."

She squealed and I laughed. "That's amazing."

"I know," I said, "I'm just waiting for it all to fall apart."

She started to argue with me, but was interrupted by the waiter, who came back with her food and drink.

"Is there anything else I can do for you?" He asked after setting down the plate and glass.

Holly shook her head fast. "No, thank you," she smiled politely.

He nodded and walked away.

She turned to me fast once he was out of hearing reach. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm going to outlive him, Hols," I shook my head, leaning back into my seat, "there's no way this is going to work."

"But you don't know that," she countered, "you haven't even told him!"

I smiled weakly. "Holly, even if he wanted to try and make it work, it won't work for me. I can't go through what happened with your father."

Her face blanked at the mention of her father and it took her a moment to respond. I thought I hit a nerve for her since she'd lost him when she was so young, but the fear disappeared when she spoke. "You know what happened with my father and this new guy is not the same, mom. Dad died in a car accident. You didn't outlive him and whatever happened to you probably happened after he died."

"But that's just it," I shrugged, "if I continue our relationship and it actually works out, I'm going to outlive him. Then, it's probably going to be even more painful than when I lost Alexander. He's going to slip away before my eyes."

My voice almost broke, because I remembered what's been going through my mind recently; that's what was happening with Holly. She was slipping away from me and I was watching it happen helplessly. And it would happen again with Harold if our relationship continued and it would happen again with our children if we had any.

I would outlive everyone that I loved and it would surely destroy me.

"Stop doing this to yourself," Holly pleaded, grasping my hands over the table and squeezing them comfortingly. "Everything's going to be okay, I promise."

I laughed at that. "Isn't that what I'm supposed to say to you?"

"Well, I'm supposed to be you're mother," she joked, "or maybe even you're grandmother. It's my job to say that to you."

"I'm glad I have you," I smiled, squeezing her hands as a gesture.

She smiled back at me, but gave me a stern look. "Mom, you need to tell him."

My smile waned. "Holly."

"This is not up for bargain, mom. Tell him now and see what he says. If he stays, then let him. If he doesn't stay, you let him go and move on with life. You don't have the right to decide whether he wants to continue this relationship or not," she said, her eyes serious. I wasn't able to budge her decisions when she looked at me like that. Sometimes she was too smart for her good. She wasn't going to be there someday to ridicule my stupid ways.

I sighed and pushed the thought away. "Holly, it's not that easy."

She narrowed her eyes at me. "Life is not easy; it's not supposed to be. Stop complaining."

I couldn't help but laugh, because she was dead right. And I knew she was; I was just being stubborn. "Alright, if you stop eating like you have the health and body of a teenager, I'll tell Harold the truth."

She smiled, her eyes softening. "Harold?"

My smile widened at the sight of hers. "Yeah, that's his name."

"Okay then, tell him and I'll stop," she agreed. "Hell, I'll become a vegan if you want."

I laughed and shook my head, taking a sip from my drink. "Just eat your food, Holly."