《Daggers》iv. in which the pain in our heroine's chest is given a name
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The door to the great mansion opened, and out stepped Cosette. Èponine wrestled with the resentment that surged in her the instant she saw the other girl, knowing it was nothing more than a primal instinct brought on by the fact they loved the same man rather than her true feelings. Cosette's eyes lit up upon landing on Marius, and Èponine softened a little. Who was she to be angry just because she couldn't be happy like them?
And, after all, it wasn't Cosette's fault that Marius loved her. She didn't choose this. It was Marius's heart that was leading him away from her, and his choice to follow it. Cosette had nothing to do with the situation other than being the lucky girl he was being pulled toward.
It was just so much easier for Èponine to be angry with Cosette than it was for her to be angry with Marius.
"A heart full of love, a heart full of song! I'm doing everything all wrong!" Marius began, beaming. He stumbled over his words a bit, and Èponine stifled a laugh. Cosette took a step closer to the gate, drawn in by his warm, clumsy nature—just the same way Èponine was. There was something they had in common. "Oh God, for shame—I do not even know your name, dear Mademoiselle! Won't you say? Will you tell?"
"A heart full of love! No fear, no regret!" Cosette continued. Now she too, was smiling. Èponine dared to peer around the wall and immediately regretted it. If she hadn't been certain that she was insignificant in both of their worlds now that they had found each other, she was now. She bit her lip, hoping it would keep her tears from flowing.
You can't cry, she reminded herself. Tears are weakness, and Thenardiers aren't weak. Tears are brokenness, and broken girls only get themselves into trouble. She wiped her eyes, hardening her gaze and trying to harden her heart with it.
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"My name is Marius Pontmercy." The words burst from Marius, tumbling out faster than he could stop them.
"And mine's Cosette." Her voice sounded like sunlight—warm and welcoming, like you wanted to bottle it up and save to brighten a rainy day. Èponine figured that she must be the stars, then—faraway and insignificant, forever overshadowed by the greater lights around her.
"Cosette...I don't know what to say." Èponine wanted to laugh. Of course he didn't. Marius couldn't be considered a great orator when he was at his most eloquent, and being face to face with the girl of his dreams probably addled his brain beyond repair. He probably wouldn't be able to form a coherent thought for a few hours after their encounter, either, which, unfortunately, would be Èponine's problem to deal with.
"Then make no sound!" Cosette said, looking up at Marius through the wrought-iron bars of the gate. A small butterfly had landed on one of the bars, right next to Cosette's hand, which only served to make the scene more like something out of a dream.
"I am lost," Marius murmured.
"I am found."
"A heart full of light!" Marius cried. Clearly he'd come to the same recognition that Èponine had about Cosette personifying the sun—completely independent of his friend. Had she been more of a hopeless romantic, Èponine would've called this a sign that they were meant to be together. But she was raised cynical, and thus, it was nothing more than a bitter reminder that despite their similarities, he would never be hers.
"A night bright as day!" Cosette answered.
"And you must never go away—Cosette, Cosette!" It almost sounded like Marius was begging, afraid that if he were to speak too quickly that his love would frighten her away.
"This is a chain we'll never break."
"Do I dream?"
"I'm awake."
"A heart full of love!" Marius repeated, so overwhelmed that he couldn't bring himself to say anything else.
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Èponine couldn't bear it anymore. "He was never mine to lose," she whispered, knitting her brow and working as hard as she could to fight back the tears threatening to finally spill over. She gave the tiniest shake of her head, trying to get all lingering thoughts of hope out of her head.
"A heart full of you!" Marius and Cosette said together. Èponine found herself longing for the day she would form such a strong connection with someone that they would be able to say the same thing without having to think about it. There was a time when she believed she and Marius would have that kind of relationship one day—but that was a fool's wish, and she couldn't afford to be a fool any longer.
"Why regret what could not be?" Èponine couldn't name the stinging feeling in her chest, but she knew she'd felt it before. Her mother had never advised her on how to cope with the hopelessness of heartbreak, and she hadn't resented that shortcoming until that moment. She knew there would be no warm arms for her to fall into when she arrived home that night—except maybe Azelma's, but turning to her sister for comfort was a quick way to get made fun of. So she'd have to bear this burden alone, as she had most things in her life.
"A single look and then I knew," Marius continued.
"I knew it too!" Cosette said, overjoyed. Bitterness reared its ugly head again, and Èponine reminded herself that the other girl was far more deserving of a happy ending than she'd ever be.
"These are words he'll never say," Èponine said, shaking her head again. "Not to me." Girls like her didn't get to be loved. She should've known that before she let herself fall, and now she was paying the price.
"From today!" Marius said.
"Not to me, not for me," Èponine continued. Would there ever be a day the words Marius said to Cosette could be for her instead? They didn't even have to come from him. She could find someone else. There would always be someone else in Paris. But her mind was traveling down a dark path, where the voice inside her head tried to convince her that she wasn't worthy of love from anyone, let alone the sweet, wonderful boy in front of her.
"Every day," Cosette said. Hope shone through every part of her. Hope that she'd have someone to care for her forever, even after her papa was gone. Hope that she'd get the happily ever after she'd always dreamed of. The kind of hope Èponine had never dared to let into her mind in fear of becoming an optimist who was perpetually disappointed by her circumstances.
"For it isn't a dream," Marius and Cosette said together.
"His heart full of love," Èponine said, dejected. It would never be hers. And though she wished the scene around her was nothing but a dream she was about to wake up from, no matter how many times she pinched herself, it was going to stay a reality.
"Not a dream after all!"
"He will never feel this way," Èponine said. A creaking sound behind her let her know that Marius had gone into Cosette's garden, and she was finally alone. She turned to leave. Marius could find his own way home—but on the other hand, he would be an easy target for any of her father's 'employees' who were out as well.
As she was deliberating this choice, she heard them. Heavy footsteps. The ones that haunted her nightmares.
And they were heading right toward her.
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