I know I should tell someone, but it's not a big deal. I can handle it. Besides, it's not like they can do anything about them. They're in my head after all.

I've been getting the nightmares ever since Jordan. The last few minutes playing over and over in my mind. How he looked so helpless. How nobody else was around to help me. How I didn't have the strength to pull him up to safety myself. I just watched him fall. Like everything was in slow motion.

I haven't really spoken to many people about it. When I got back to the Mansion after it happened the only thing I said was, "He's dead." I haven't really spoken much since. The only reason people know what happened was because after days of asking where the body was, and I didn't answer, Charles had to force it out of me. They all keep telling me it wasn't my fault but that doesn't seem to help. If I hadn't been so adamant on going to find the mutant with him than maybe somebody else would have gone. Somebody strong like Alex. At least then they would have been able to pull him up, instead of watching him fall.

Every night is the same, and tonight is no different. The images play in my head like a private screening to the worst five minutes and thirty-six seconds of my life. Only it seems much longer than that.

Every night is the same, and tonight is no different. I watch her sit down opposite me for dinner. She barely touches her food, even when it's her favourite, which I may or may not have told the cook to make. I watch her cough and make an excuse to leave half way through the movie we're watching. I watch her walk upstairs to her dorm, head down, fighting back the tears.

She thinks nobody knows, but I do. I wouldn't tell anybody, of course. She has her reasons and I respect her too much to question them. I just wish she knew how much she means to me. I wish she knew that nobody blames her. It wasn't her fault.

I lay in bed listening for any movement from her room next door. I had asked to swap with Hank a couple of weeks ago so I could hear her. I needed to be close to her In case something happened. Although it had been really awkward when we made the exchange.

"I swear you act like you're her husband." Said Hank.

"It's not a crime to want to look out for a friend."

"Oh come on, Alex. The others may be stupid but I'm a genius remember?"

"What are you talking about." I say as I shift awkwardly on the spot, and lean against the door frame.

"I know you think of her as more than just a friend. I see the way you look at her."

"Yeah well so does every other guy in this place. I mean, have you seen her? She turns every head without even trying." It was true. She was beautiful. I just wish the other guys didn't look at her like a piece of meat.

"Yeah they do, and I've seen the way you react when other guys look and talk about her in that way. You're different. You don't look at her arse or chest. You look at her eyes or when she smiles."

"Stalker much?" What Hank was saying was true. But it's an awkward situation to talk to a guy about how much you love a girl who doesn't love you back.

"I'm the stalker? Says the guy who gave up the best dorm in the whole mansion to be close to a girl when she sleeps. Balcony view and everything."

"That's not tr... I mean... When you put it like that..." I had to admit I did sound like a stalker.

"Hey man I know. I respect what you're doing. I'd be lying if I said I didn't press my ear against the wall at night once in a while to see if I could hear her. I just do it cos she's like my sister, not my future wife." He smirked at the last part.

"Don't you have boxes to unpack in your new room..."

"Right!" He chuckled and walked off.

I was just about to drift to sleep when I heard the mattress springs move next door. I know it could have been her just changing her position in her sleep, but I had to make sure. Sure enough, it started to get louder. Soon, I could hear her voice shouting out. I couldn't make out what she was saying, but I knew it had something to do with Jordan. That night took a tole on her. After listening for five minutes or so, I couldn't wait any longer. I couldn't just lay back and sleep knowing she was in pain next to me. So I got up. I know there are rules about boys being in girls dorms, but this must be an exeption, surely.

When I pushed open the door, I could see how distressed she was. She was tossing and turning and red and drenched in sweat. Most people would have found it gross, but it's only natural after what she's been through.

I stayed at the door, trying to respect the girl-boy rule as much as possible. I shouted her name, but it didn't do anything. She was in too deep of a sleep. So I walked over to her bed and knelt down. I gently shuck her shoulder.

"Y/N. Y/N wake up." Still nothing.

"Y/N come on. Wake up." I shuck a little harder and she jumped and jolted her head up.

She started to struggle so I gently cupped her cheeks and turned her head towards me.

"Y/N it's okay, it me. It Alex. It's okay." I spoke softly. When she realised it was me she grabbed my hands. I was expecting her to brush them off, but instead she just moved over in the bed. I was surprised, and honestly wasn't sure what to do at first. Usually I'm pretty confident when it comes to girls. It's in my blood. I come from a long line of heart-breakers. But not her. She's different to all the others. Over the years of me liking her, I've tried to move on to new girls. I didn't want to use them or anything, but I just had to get my mind off her. It didn't work.

After a few minutes of debating what to do and silently freaking out in my head, I sat on the bed and shuffled over to her. I wrapped one arm around her shoulders, the other gripping her waist and pulled her onto my lap. Her hands gripped the vest I had on and rested her head on my shoulder. She was shaking and I could feel the tears she had been holding back for so long on my chest.

"Shhhh it's okay. I'm not leaving. You're okay. You're gonna be okay." I whispered into her hair and placed a long, gentle kiss onto her head. I don't know if it helped her, but it helped me. To hold her in my arms, I knew she was safe. I could keep her safe. And I needed to.

We sat like that for around twenty minutes, but honestly I could have sat there all night. She lifted her head up and looked at me. She had a single tear resting on her cheek, and I wiped it off before it fell and joined the puddle on my vest.

"I'm sorry, Alex. You can go. It's fine."

"I'm not leaving you." The truth is I didn't want to leave her.

"I know I'm just being stupid. It's fine. I know people just think I'm a weak little girl. I don't wanna annoy you anymore. I mean, Hank moved rooms so he didn't have to listen to me cry. I get it. It's fine."

"Hey." I lifted her chin up with my thumb so she was looking at me.

"It's not a weakness. After what you've been through its no surprise your having nightmares all the time. And don't pretend you don't, and this is a one time thing, because I know. I know you try and hide it and pretend you're okay, but I know. You like to push everybody out so they don't realise what's going on. But it won't work for me. I'm not going to leave you and you can't hide it from me. I can tell when you lie and I can tell when you're hurting and right now you're dying inside. And if you don't talk about it, it's going to kill you and I won't be able to live with myself if that happens."

She just looked down again and said, "But everybody think I'm..." I cut her off before she can finish.

"Everybody knows what you've been through, and nobody blames you. If anybody else would have been in your place, the situation would still be the same. And I know for a fact if it was anybody else, than you would be sat with them right now telling them what I'm telling you. That you're the strongest person I know."

She looked at me and smiled. A real smile. Not just with her mouth, but with her eyes too. The first I'd seen her make in a long time.

"Oh and by the way," I added, feeling my 'Summer's Confidence' come back,

"Hank didn't move. I evicted him."

"Wha... Why would you.." She looked confused. I just looked at her.

It was at this moment I realised how close our bodies were. I had never been this close to her before. Not to say I hadn't dreamed about it, but still. I could see the tiny flecks of gold in her eyes, even in the dim lighting. I could see how perfect her skin looked, even after she had been crying. I could see her plump lips, brushing against my chin.

Before I could even talk myself out of it, I leaned in and connected our lips. It was like i'd never felt something so soft, but at the same time, like it was so normal and right for us to be together. She smiled and pulled away, her hands resting on the side of my face.

" I knew it would be worth giving up my balcony."

And the last thing I heard before waking up the next morning was her laugh. A genuine laugh. The first thing I ever heard come out of her mouth all those years ago. The most soothing noise in the whole universe. One of the reasons she became the first and only person I will ever truly love.