matt held me close as we laid on the couch, my eyes now pooling for more than one reason at a time. his soft hands draped over my shoulders, the smell of his moisturizer filling my nostrils every time i took in a breath. he was the type of person people could stare at for hours and still not quite understand how that type of beauty is even possible. the way his chestnut eyes were worn from being reddened by too many nights he cried or the one to many times he got too high to process where he was. the way his shaggy dark chocolate hair was overgrown and growing past his ears, yet the other part was short but still sprouting longer than he hoped. he was the whole reason i was here, yet i wasn't his.

then, my eyes met his. no, not matt's, but the other one, cam. he had an intense stare on, reading over the room as everyone was quiet for once. his arctic blue eyes burning into mine, and his butternut hair hiding underneath a black hat that fit his head perfectly. though i don't remember him as well as mason, i know he had a facade up when around the boys. they would play for hours making dark jokes about hitler or dead babies, then when i would play with him, he would only play jokes that were light, finding he was much more generous than he actually led on. at one point he got pissed at matt, said he didn't deserve me.

that day cam had just flown in to visit and matt had yelled at me for giving him attitude when i wasn't feeling well and he wouldn't go to the store for me. cam left moments after that but i was too busy sitting in my room sulking, secluded from the rest and letting matt just chill in my living room and eat my food. cam had come back in with a pitch bag he had full of items he grabbed from the store. inside was chocolate, and a teddy bear he said he actually got for himself but said i could have it instead. also a couple alcoholic drinks even though we were both underage.

though when i came out of my daze, matt was speaking to me, but i was too invested in my past memories. "what are you daydreaming about?" matt chuckled, intertwining our hands with each other. my head shook as matt pushed my chin up with his index finger, causing our eyes to meet again.

"nothing, just the past." he frowned and rubbed my arm with his hand. my eyebrows furrowed as i turned to gaze at cam, but was met with the same set of eyes as before. quickly, i looked away and stared into matt's eyes, only it felt different now.

"audrey i've changed for the better and i want to have you all to myself again. i want to be able to hold you like this all the time, i want you back." matt whispered in my ear as his hands rubbed circles along my skin. standing and pushing away, i try to find like an empty closet or a bathroom or something. closing myself inside of the bathroom, my complexion made my eyes avert quicker than i could count to three.

"fuck.." i sighed, sliding down the walls. of course my heart pulled and poked at me, hoping i would take his fatuous offer to be held in his arms again, to be able to cuddle against his body or to be able to share a nice hot chocolate on a winter day. yet the rest of my body shoved me away from the idea and fed my brain telling it no.

i have to get out of here before someone comes to check on me. standing from the floor, i push down my dress and make myself look more presentable again. wiping away the unknown tears, i check to make sure my mascara didn't run. stepping out, i felt the muggy air trap me. "you alright, audrey?" fitz questioned as he poured himself another glass of alcohol. "i don't mean to pry-"

"don't worry about it." i chuckled, leaning against the counter he stood at. empty bottles decorated the counters along with crushed beer cans and cups. also the occasional spill would find its way dripping off of the counter. "it's just me being me. you know how it goes."

"sure." cam answers as he sips his drink. "hey, do you remember that one night that matt wouldn't come home from that party when you were feeling sad so i came over instead-"

"with movies and fuzzy blankets! and we watched mean girls and three seasons of the office?! oh my god, how could i not!?" his face soon covered itself in pink, blushing at the old memories. "man, that was so great. but when matt came back-"

"oh!" cam laughed loudly, everyone looking over to us as he remembered the reaction matt had. "dude he was so pissed, he tried to swing at me but realized it was all his fault..." we both stood in silence as we realized what we were saying.

"so, what's been going on in your life? any hot topics?" i raised my eyebrows as i suggested things. cam shook his head and a smirk danced across his lips.

"no, mostly work stuff. our managers have been pulling us every which way. here, go to fiji, here go to poland. it's a mess honestly." cam admitted, brushing through his hair with his slender fingers. "oh man, you haven't heard the poland story, you would absolutely die." he chuckled into his cup, closing his eyes as he was shook with the memories. "or i spend my time gettin absolutely scuffed and munching off of uber eats."

"sounds like quite the life style." i stand straight, pouring myself a drink. "man, how the times have changed. back when i was around i was getting scuffed and chowing down on fast food whilst you sat at home and tried so hard to keep yourself sane without using drugs." my head shook, chugging my drink. "or i sat with matt and watched him play video games with you and the others. but either way i was not totally sober at either of those times." cam once again let out a loud wheeze.

"man, that one time when you and matt were playing cs:go with us and you continuously kept dying in spawn. we kept talking to you but you were unresponsive so matt had to drive over to your house and check on you? oh man you were too high and to the point where you knocked yourself the hell out." he set his glass down and pulled himself straight up, wiping away a fake tear that gathered in the corner of his eye.

"oh dude, i don't even remember that. you probably have it recorded, don't you?" his eyes went wide and he went to grab his phone.

"damn." he sighed, rubbing his forehead with both of his hands.