I knew, I couldn't.

Couldn't forget how I hated myself for being gay.

Why couldn't I be normal?

Have a girlfriend, find girl's asses attractive and just be straight.

But of course I've fallen.

I've fallen for my best friend.

His blue eyes, his silly laugh, his passionate expression when playing football, his wide grin when scoring a goal, his annoying comments, his funny jokes, his blond, perfect hair, his lovely male smell, when we sat close...

I didn't realise, that I was staring at Harry, as I was thinking about Eric.

I bet he felt very uncomfortable.

I bit my lips, when I remembered that Eric hated me...

"It's all my fault.", I whispered.

Ryan came and lied his hand on my shoulder.

"Hey Dele", he said in a soft voice,

"What's the matter, hm?", he continued, "You've seemed sad recently."

I ate faster.

"You can talk to me if you want. We're family. One huge Spurs-family! Tell me, what's wrong, Dele?"

I resignated.

"Oh, sure. And what about Bale? He left the family just like that."

Ryan sighed.

"He decided it was the best for him. But he will always be in our heart."

I stood up and grabbed my dishes.

"Well I guess I will do what's best for me.", I began.

"Dele! No!", Ryan grabbed my wrist.

"You won't leave Spurs, will you?"

I smiled at weakly.

"I don't know."

I could feel him looking at me, with his mouth open, his eyes stared at me, he couldn't believe what I've just said.

I went upstairs again, when Erik

Lamela stopped me.

"Dele? I'm glad to see you alive!", he joked.

"Shut up, Lamela. Get your things straight."

He looked shocked.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you...", he mumbled. "...but I thought you always like to joke around?"

"Not today.", I claimed and pushed him aside.

That's when Benjamin got really angry.

"How dare you talking to Erik like that?! He didn't do anything! Seriously Dele, get a better mood, then we might talk again."

I didn't care. I just went upstairs.

When I got into my room, it was just Eric sitting on his bed.

"Dele, look, I'm sorry for shouting at you yesterday. I didn't mean to freak out like that. It just hit me when I was searching for you and I was so worried. Please, can we be friends again, Dele?"

"I don't care.", I said.

What was wrong with me? My big love wanted to be friends with me again! Why wouldn't I accept the offer?

"I...I'm really sorry, Dele."

I guess I couldn't be friends with someone I loved and never would love me back.

"I didn't know that mentioning girlfriends would freak you out so much..."

I sighed.

"Eric. You always say the wrong things at the wrong time."

A weird silence filled up the room.

Eric looked really sad.

"Dele? Do you hate me now?"

"I don't know."

"Does this mean we're no longer friends?", he whispered.

"I don't know."

My feelings and thoughts were mixed and scrambled.

"I'm sorry for bothering you, Dele, I might leave now."

He stood up and left the room.

I was alone now.

That was weird.

I wasn't alone too often. Usally Eric would be noisy, dance around or he would just... Just be there. But now? What would I do just on my own? What was wrong with me?

I didn't know either. Why was life so complicated? I needed to talk to someone. But who?

Normally I would talk to Eric. He kept all my secrets, and I knew alot of his. Like he was afraid of snakes and heights, so flying was always a lot of pressure to him.

I remembered how he would squeeze my arm when the airplane rumbled. Memories. I felt like he was dead, like I would never see him again after that talk.

"He hates me.", I thought. "But I would hate me, too, if I was him."

The door was opened.

"Dele."

I turned around.

"Dele Alli. We need to talk."

"Oh boy", I thought."I'd love to have more enemies."

Danny came in.

"Is it true, that you think of leaving Spurs?"

"I don't know.", I said. "We'll see."

Danny was shocked. "Bro, bro are you serious? Why? What's wrong with Spurs?", he asked.

"I can't explain. It's complicated."

He shook his head.

"I've got plenty of time."

"No, Danny. You don't understand. I am not able to explain it to you. I don't even know how I should explain it to you."