My mind is swirling with a million thoughts right now. Did I really just do that?

'Yes you did' my subconscious yelled at me.

I ran my hand through my hair for probably the millionth time. I felt Ryder squeeze my hand he was holding.

"Are you okay love?" he asked softly and gently, this is the first he's talked since we got in the car.

I nodded but, I felt like I was going to cry again so I looked out of the window. Mentally I thanked that Ryder was so understanding as to not carry on the conversation.

I probably just lost my father, and my mother what would she think? and Jeremy? Then I was also mad at myself because, I shouldn't be worried about them. I want to be happy and being with Ryder makes me really, really happy. Thinking of him made me want to look at him so I did.

"Oh princess why are you crying?" he asked with a concerned expression and worry laced in his voice as he glanced at me then back at the road.

'Damnit' I thought and wiped my tears quickly but, by him asking that it made me cry more.

These were happy tears though, I was finally going to get to be with Ryder without having to glance over my shoulder.

"Nothing I'm fine I promise." I said as I wiped the tear that fell and gave his hand I was holding a squeeze.

At first he didn't seemed convinced until I gave him a smile and leaned over placing a kiss to his cheek.

"I love you Ryder." I whispered softly in his ear.

I seen him smile, "I love you too Octavia." he replied just as softly.

•••

The rest of the car ride was silent until we got to his house. Sure I've been to his house before when I would sneak out but, now it's different. It feels as though we both matured and this was a new era for us. Ryder opened the front door for me and I stepped inside heading for his kitchen.

"Where are you going?" he asked with a chuckle.

"I'm hungry." I said truthfully with a laugh as I made it to the kitchen, even though we just ate.

"Would you like me to make you something?" he asked taking off his jacket and throwing it on the stool next to me that I was sitting on.

"A sandwich please, those are good." I replied with a smile.

"A sandwich it is." he said with a chuckle and a smile of his own as he turned around to get the stuff.

I grabbed his jacket he set down and put it on since I was cold. It was big on me, which I loved, plus it was Ryder's. When he turned around he smiled at me before walking over to me and cupping my face in his hands. This made me lean into his touch instinctively, he then kissed my nose softly.

"You're so cute love." he whispered.

"Sandwich please." I reminded him and he only chuckled then went back to his original spot.

I took this time to get up and make my way to the living room until I heard Ryder ask me where I was going. When I told him he seemed worried and told me not to go. Being me though I didn't listen and went anyway, hearing Ryder's footsteps close after me.

There was beer bottles everywhere, spills on the carpet, some glass was even shattered. It just looked a mess, I even noticed some holes in the wall.

"I made your sandwich." he said sheepishly, trying to lighten the mood.

I wasn't buying it, what the hell happened here? Did he really drink all of those, and do this damage?

"Forget the sandwich, what happened." I said crossing my arms.

"I just.." he sighed, "Sit down." he said putting the plate down on the table and grabbing my hand so we were both sat on the couch.

"I haven't just been busy with work I actually couldn't focus on anything but, you and I..I've been drinking a lot and when I would drink I'd get drunk then think of you...thus the broken furniture and holes in the walls." he explained warily.

How could he do that to himself, to his health?

"Ryder." I said softly and looked down for the first time, now noticing how bruised his knuckles looked.

I ran my fingers over them lightly before kissing them and looked up at him. In a matter of seconds his lips were on mine. While I was laying back on the couch with him hovering over me. It felt extremely good to just kiss him again and feel his touch. I didn't know when his jacket got taken off of me but, it did.

Ryder trailed kisses down to my neck and left love marks as he whispered in my ear, "I missed you so much my love."

I smiled and moved his face from my neck, so he could look at me, "I missed you too." I said softly then connected our lips again.

"God I love you." he said in between kisses, making my heart ache.

"I love you." I said back breathlessly.

Then he pulled away pushing the hair away from my face, "I don't think I'll ever get used to hearing you say that." he grinned brightly, dipping his head back down into my neck, making me giggle.

We stayed like this, kissing, until he trailed his hands down to my pants and looked at me for permission. I nodded my head as a response. Soon my jeans were unbuckled and off. I felt really vulnerable but, I was with Ryder and he made me feel safe.

I watched as he lifted my shirt and placed a kiss on my stomach making me intake a breathe of air. I felt him smirk against my skin and look up at me. To say I wasn't nervous would be an understatement, my heart was pounding. We made eye contact and he brought his lips to mine kissing me again as I gave him permission to take my shirt off fully.

He then kissed my chest while staring at it, although my bra was still on I still felt very exposed, "You're so beautiful, you can tell me to stop at anytime love." he whispered against my lips pushing some hair behind my ear.

That's when I felt his fingers slip into my underwear and push inside me ever so slowly. I gasped as my eyes shut and I gripped his shoulders. I moved my hips at the unfamiliar feeling and got nothing but, pleasure seconds later.

"Ryder." I moaned breathlessly.

Hearing this he started to move them at a fast pace, it felt amazing. As I moaned softly again, it felt like I was in my own little world.

"Open your eyes princess." he said sounding so seductive.

So I did just that and our eye contact just made everything ten times better.

"Kiss me." I demanded breathlessly.

And he did just that.