I tossed in the bed, changing the sleeping position, and when that wasn't to my satisfaction, I turned again, groaning at my discomfort. But I couldn't sleep. The bed that always felt so inviting suddenly felt like a bed of rocks, unable to accommodate my small profile. My mind was racing. And every question I had refused to answer over the weeks flashed through my mind, making it impossible to sleep. Grunting, I sat up on my bed, head clutched in my arms as I finally gave up on sleeping that night. Taira had left for Paris two days ago, and I hadn't been able to sleep since then. Her words; they rang through my head every night as I hit the pillow.

'Take the risk, make the plunge' - words like these swam in my mind, but I was a coward. I refused to acknowledge them, and that ended in sleepless nights. But I was exhausted. It was either address the nagging thoughts in my mind or simply spend another night scrolling through things to watch online. I sighed and stared at the whitewashed walls of my bedroom, my mind reeling.

Abeer. The man who had swept me off my feet, made me feel alive after a long time - the man who had made me fall in love. Not every woman could boast of such stories. Not every woman could claim that they had fallen in love with a guy who treated her better than she treated herself. It was a fantasy - a fantasy I had lived. And there was a chance that I could live that fantasy for the rest of my life, if only I dared. 

It felt funny this way; I had the chance to live a fantasy in exchange of daring the odds. 

Telling my parents about my 'affair' - no, that sounded crude. But that's how they would take it, I thought wryly as I pushed myself to my feet. But the truth was, it was more than an affair. It was... going on late night rides on his bike, his arms around me as I sped through the empty roads. It was bickering and grumbling like children over a plate of food. We weren't big on PDA, but the subtle way in which he would grab my hand whenever we had company never failed to flutter my heart. It was these things, and more. But most importantly, it was him. The guy who had stolen my job, and also my heart. And I was positive I wouldn't be able to get that back.

And then there were my parents who refused to eat in a non-vegetarian restaurant. Who scoffed upon inter-caste marriages and never failed to make fun of the young couples loitering about in the parks, about their 'temporary' affairs and how they sullied their parents' name. I knew it all. I had seen it all. And to come forward to my parents as one of those who loitered in the parks with her boyfriend, holding hands- the thought was alarming. If this were a movie or a daily soap, then I would have risked everything for love. Nope, that wasn't right. If this were a daily soap, then I would have never fallen in love with the 'wrong guy', that is to say, a guy my parents didn't approve of or won't eventually approve of. I would have never defied her parents. But I had.

I massaged my head as I thought of every possible scenario. My parents disowning me when I tell them about my decision to be with Abeer, or worse yet, closing the door on my face and never talking to me again in this lifetime. I shuddered. Even if I didn't approve of more than half of their opinions, I loved them. And I loved Abeer. And it didn't sound fair that I had to choose a love between the both of them.

It was a battle between fantasy and reality. Live a life in fantasy, or live miserably with the reality. I sighed, closing my eyes. I forced the tears back, unwilling to give in to the grief surrounding my heart. Not yet.

And then, as I opened my eyes, I knew. It was probably unwise to take decisions with a sleep deprived, foggy brain, but I knew there was no other way. Even as it may be, but I couldn't live a miserable life. It just wasn't within me to be that sacrificial. Perhaps that meant choosing Abeer over my parents, but that won't be the truth. Choosing to be with Abeer meant choosing happiness for the rest of my life. It meant having a partner who loved me, respected me, looked up to me, and accepted me as I was. And if a guy who was a stranger mere months ago could accept me as I was, I guessed so could the ones who had loved me and nourished me right since my childhood.

Suddenly, my sullen face broke into a wide smile. I checked the time on the wall-clock of my room - 3:30 AM. I almost laughed. They say decisions taken after 2 AM are a direct ticket to chaos. And what a chaos it was going to be. Was I ready to tell my parents? In all honesty, no. But the thing is that I won't ever be, and I would keep hunting for excuses to delay the inevitable. And then I made another decision. And then I leapt on my bed, searching for my phone. There was no good time to tell him the good news. Every time was the perfect time. I grinned as I rummaged for his number, eager to hear his deep, sleep-ridden voice. The thought brought butterflies in my stomach.

It had been more than two weeks - very difficult, lonely two weeks without his dazzling, part-devilish grins and his melting hazel-brown eyes. I was about to dial his number when I paused, thinking. Surely there was a better time to tell him my decision. A more...romantic set-up. Maybe... a marriage proposal? The smile evaporated from my face as I pondered over that thought. Did he want to get married to me? So soon? I bit my lip, worry clouding my brain. And then I smacked my head, surprised at the silliness of my thoughts. Of course he wanted to marry me, he wouldn't have pushed me to the brink if he hadn't wanted a future with me. I didn't know if he was ready to marry me right away, but that was an afterthought. All I knew was that he wanted a future with me, and if he didn't want marriage right now, well, I was happy to be his fiance for as long as he wished. All we needed was a fixture, a security in our relationship. And I was finally about to give us just that.

I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling fan, the grin never leaving my face. I was morose an hour ago, and I was giddy the next. I shook my head, bewildered at my mood swings. I did have mood swings like a teenager. I giggled to myself as I remembered the time he had said those words to me - we had still been enemies back then. Well, at least he was to me.

He had taken my coveted position, after all. It was strange what a single, insignificant event could do to your life.

I fell asleep trying to think of a good plan to propose him. I wasn't very creative with surprises. But I had to do it in a way which made him feel special. A proposal which he remembered for years to come. I had a vague idea of contacting a flash mob and proposing him in our daily park tomorrow.

I closed my eyes, the smile still not leaving my face, looking forward to a day of promise and love and happiness. 

---------------